PeDiddlePie

2011- How'd I do?

2012-02-01T16:33:00.004-06:00

Hi! I thought I would start out my new attempt at blogging with a recap of my hopes to accomplish by 2012. Let's see what they were.

1) Eat according to the requirements for gestational diabetes from now until the end of the year in hopes of losing the baby weight and some extra by January 2012.
Well, I did fine until Charlie was born. Then I went on a crazy binge just like I did after Addie was born and actually ended up gaining weight! I have been eating better for a month now and I'm just now back at what I was the day Charlie was born. Goal #1- FAIL!
2) Prepare Freddie for Kindergarten by completing the readiness calendar distributed by the school district and teaching him basic reading skills!
I pretty much did this one! We had all the letters, upper and lowercase, all the letter sounds, numbers 1-9ish, shapes and colors down. He practiced his address and phone number and was very well socialized. His only real issue is that his fine motor skills are a little dalayed, which can be related to his left handedness. He's now a brainiac and reading several words and counting to 100. I'm very proud of my smart boy. As he read a beginner book the other day, Jason said to me, "He can read because of you." He kissed my forehead and I felt for a second like a proud little kid. My hubs is super sweet.
3) Potty train Adeline
DONE!! I didn't do it all myself or anything, but I sure put in a lot of work on the front end! She still has a few accidents and wears her diaper at night, but she is a champ and really has been potty trained since not long after she turned 2. Oh, and we are done with the pacifier! So glad to be done with that, but now she's taken to thumb sucking which is an all day anytime she's tired thing. I guess she doesn't want me to run out of goals!
4) Learn to quilt (I learned to knit in 2010 so why not quilting next?!)
I'll give myself a partial on this one. I made two bedspreads for the kids. They are sortof quilted. I posted pictures on this blog, but I'm too lazy to find you a link! I did them all by machine including the binding and only came up with maybe 4-5 "mitered" edges out of the eight, but they are cute and now after so many washes they are soft and cuddly. It gives my heart such joy to watch them bring their coordinating blankets to the living room for a movie night or wrapped up in them in the mornings. So, I can't really do it right, but I've made an attempt.
5) Knit a baby sweater and booties
FAIL! I knitted lots of things, but no sweater or booties. I made Charlie a hat that fit her for just a minute. I knitted two baby bowls and a hammock for her newborn pics. I've knitted tons of infinity scarves for Christmas. I knitted a pair of slippers for my sister-in-law. I spent weeks knitting a wool beret for Addie. So, maybe 2012 for the sweaters/booties??
6) Go on a romantic trip with Jason, no kiddos
DONE! Jason and I took a weekend trip to Dallas before Charlie was born. We had so much fun and stayed at the Renaissance Hotel which is awesome and I've always wanted to stay there since we lived there one summer. It wasn't like couples spa and chocolate dipped strawberries romantic...but that's not what I meant anyway! Who would?? ;)
7) Read 6 books for pleasure (preferably fiction because I'm always reading about babies, birth, knitting, etc. because I can just easily pick it up and put it back down!)
Ok, let me think....I read all three Hunger Games books in a weekend! I read The Help. I've started about 5 or 6, but haven't finished them. Wow, what a loser head, I can't think of any other books I've read in a whole year that weren't non-fiction! I won't even bore you with all of the baby and birth books I read though. I should obviously do better on that one.

Here are some gimmes...8) Start a new job! 9) Have a baby!10) Learn how to be a full time working mom of 3!

8) I started it all right, it was fine until after I came back from maternity leave. It is pretty rotten at the moment...well for the past 6 months. I love where I work and who I work with, but my actual job is stinky. I hope it will change, but for now I pretty much just pray nothing worse than yesterday happens today.

9) Did it! I will have a Charlie post someday, but in short, she was a wonderful newborn and I loved that part of her sweet little life until I ended up having to have surgery and spent way longer than I'd hoped in the recovery stage. Then at about 1-2 months she became insufferable. Seriously, it was awful, no sleep ever, seriously worried about myself, depressed, frustrated, downright angry. It stayed that way until about 5.5 months when I just said I HAVE to change this. I started some treatment for my depressed feelings and got her on a bedtime routine/schedule that was do-able, and gave up dairy. Those things combined with her being really sick for a week or so really helped me get back into a better place with her and she with me. Now, I'm back to ooey gooey cuddle bug, sugar plum, love your face, gimme kiss, giggle pie, yum yum yum, love that squishy chunker pediddlepie baby girl. If you haven't met her yet, you totally should! I can't wait to get home and see her little scrunched up face every day. Y'all, she even looks like me and her hair is coming back in straight and blonde!

10) Ha! I don't think I'll ever really have that one down. I am trying, but I fail at something every day that I also succeed marvelously at something else. That's ok. My house is a little out of hand, well a LOT out of hand, but I just know that someday all the stars will align and I'll clean that sucker and wait for another couple of months to go by when the right time strikes again. The stars just haven't cooperated in awhile! I still don't want to have to work. I still wish upon all that is holy and good that I could be a stay at home mom. I miss my kids so much during the day and nights that I have other things to do I feel horribly guilty for missing even more time with them. I hate that I have to supplement with formula and that there are days when I only get to see Charlie for 20-30 minutes. There's not much on the horizon for those things to change...like ever. We'll never need LESS money to live on. So, I may be terribly unhappy with the way things are, but I can certainly learn to be content with where I'm at for the moment. That's my only goal really for 2012.

1) Focus more on being content. Change things that I am able in order to make myself more comfortable and happy with my place in life. Accept things that I can not change or control and learn to live with them as necessary companions to the many blessings I have.

Never Blog Again

2011-10-30T22:21:00.005-05:00

At least that's how it feels. I just wanted to share some love with anyone who may still attempt to read. So, here are some photos at least!

My Life in Ounces

2011-08-26T06:33:00.002-05:00

Will it be a 9 oz day or just a 7? My life now that I'm back at work feels as if it boils down to ounces. How many ounces will I pump? It makes so much sense. A 9 oz day makes me feel powerful and as if I can really do this whole thing, work, three kids, finish my master's degree, breastfeed for a year again, and so forth. A 7 oz day makes me feel like breastfeeding will fail, my child is starving, I'm not doing so great at catching up with work, and that I'll eventually just fizzle out at everything. It doesn't help that the daycare took license to feed Charlie formula whenever she cries because I was short the first day and had to send 1 measly ounce of formula with her. She ate 5 oz all day on Monday and yesterday they fed her 14 and 5 of those were formula. I am angry but at the same time trying not to stress myself out with control issues. It's a big mess though.

My head runs into...if they feed her so much, has she not been getting enough while nursing? Oh yes she has, she's fine, those silly women probably just don't realize that she finishes the bottle much faster than she finishes nursing and is just wanting to be able to suck longer but instead they feed her. Grrr, if they keep feeding her so much then she's going to start wanting more but I'm not going to be able to keep up with her demand since I'm stuck at work pumping 3 times a day trying to be as discreet as possible so nobody will think I'm a freak or get jealous that I have these "privileges." I miss her, maybe this weekend will be better and she'll get back on a good schedule. I hate pumping when I get home from work but I have to in order to get that last ounce for the next day. Why didn't I pump more when I was on leave?

See, it's ugly in there! SO....bummer, bet you're glad to read today!!

Soon

2011-08-14T07:20:00.003-05:00

Soon, life will go back to a normal I never really expected for my life. Three kids, a husband, a dog, a home to keep, and a full time job as a stinkin' supervisor at an organization that I adore. As I've gone through this maternity leave, it's been a lot different for me emotionally. I haven't cried yet about going back to work. There isn't that aching wish/hope/dream that something miraculous will happen and I can stay at home with the kids. Gracious, not that I don't want to, but I have finally accepted that it's not going to happen for me. I don't even mean this in some cynical defeatist type of way. It's just that God has worked out in me that my job is a gift. Somehow I was able to work at home for over a year and enjoy my sweet babies, watch Addie learn to walk, nurse her until she was 16 months old, teach Freddie his ABCs and all their sounds, teach him how to count to 10 at least :), potty train Addie, and eventually become pregnant and spend my first trimester able to rest at home! That was a truly wonderful time, but not without significant sacrifice and hardship. I often struggled with guilt while I was working that my kids would be better off at daycare where someone could pay more attention to them or they would have friends to play with. It's just never perfect as a mom I guess, we're always wanting more and better for our kids even when it is too much for us to do or provide.

So, on August 22nd, I'm heading back to work. This past Monday, I took Freddie to his first day of kindergarten. Life is so busy. 5:30 wakeup, shower, get dressed, fix hair/makeup; 6:00 nurse Charlie and pray she goes back to sleep; 6:30 get breakfast ready for kids & me, load up car with bags, computer, backpacks, etc. 6:45 wake up kids, brush teeth, get them dressed, hand them to-go breakfasts, brush hair, potty, etc; 7:05 OUT THE DOOR OR ELSE ; 7:15 drop Freddie off at school; 7:20 drop girls off at daycare; 7:30 head to work! This week has been good practice. All of it is just crazy and all on about 5 hours of sleep a night. It's amazing the stamina that God can provide to us when we are doing His work. I have to believe that raising a family, serving them, teaching God's love, and sharing that loving family with your community is truly God's work! I am sure I will blog more as an outlet for how badly it will hurt to send my new baby girl to daycare and how Addie is acting out now that she's not getting enough Mommy time, and how Freddie wailing at the kitchen table with his poor lefthanded handwriting problems!

P.S. I am watching A Baby Story and this woman is a weenie! ;) HAHAHA!

Photo Shoot with Amomphotographer

2011-07-22T22:26:00.003-05:00

Privileged

2011-07-20T11:10:00.002-05:00

I don't have time for a really long post, probably never will again! It's just on my heart recently to remember how incredibly privileged I am. I don't mean it in a spoiled, rich, silver spoon kind of way. Right now I'm not even referring to living in luxury compared to most of the world, having the freedoms we enjoy in this country, running water, indoor plumbing, access to modern healthcare, antibiotics, vaccines, and all of the many things that I am incredibly privileged to have just because I was born to American parents on a continent full of developed countries (don't be confused, I was born in Germany). Those are beyond my scope for the moment.

Today I am stuck on how incredible of a privilege it is to have children. Maybe it is because Jason and I struggled to even get pregnant in the first place and then we had our entire ride in adopting our sweet Freddie. Maybe it is because I work in an environment where I see on a daily basis how completely ungrateful people are for their children. Perhaps God has gotten through to me on this one thing! It's just that children are such a blessing. They are hard work and often frustrating and sometimes maddening. I am sleep deprived at the moment and terribly inconvenienced by a 3 hour nursing rotation. Those things just seem like nothing compared to the joy and blessing children bring to our lives. It breaks my heart when parents are ungrateful and fail to see the honor they've been given to have a child. I am in awe that God would trust me, bless Jason and I, and walk with us on this journey to raise His children. I am not good enough. I do not deserve this anymore than I deserve salvation.

I am also grateful for the privilege of going on this journey with Jason. We have our arguments and shortcomings, but I am daily reminded of how incredibly wonderful he is. Jason and I have really grown up together and we have watched each other go from college students to young/struggling adults, graduate students, husband and wife, employees, on and on and all the way to PARENTS! We both know we're big posers though. We are both selfish, immature, and irresponsible but God helps us fight that spirit everyday so that we can put God, each other, and our kids before ourselves. We lose the battle sometimes, but God's mercy is bountiful! Our children's mercy and forgiveness is also bountiful, and Jason and I have to be merciful to each other (even if it is on a much longer delay! ;) Okay, I am done preachin' it for now. I am just watching my sweet Addie enjoying some PBS Kids this morning and I'm rocking little Charlie so she'll quit screaming at me, and missing Freddie while he's off enjoying VBS at our wonderful church today, and it just hit me. Here I am in the middle of this thing, this whole motherhood thing, and I am ever so grateful to be on number three and still completely blown away by the privilege!

Invalid

2011-07-13T10:27:00.002-05:00

Is that a politically incorrect term...to call oneself an invalid (the noun version meaning an infirm or sickly person)? Dictionary.com does not tell me the social connotations of words, just definitions. Maybe I'm on to a new website!

Anyway, I am tired of feeling like an invalid. I was two weeks postpartum last Saturday when I woke up hurting. I nursed Charlie and during that I started cramping really badly. I thought it was just bad gas which I'd been suffering with since delivery. It got worse and worse though. I laid Charlie down when she finished eating and woke Jason up to share my pain. I was hurting so badly that I was convinced I had appendicitis. Jason was up and getting dressed. I called the midwife to ask her opinion and she thought I might have an obstructed bowel. There was no point stalling, I needed to go to the hospital. Seriously, it hurt so badly that I remember on the car ride just praying that I would pass out and wake up later after it was over. There were tears and lots of yelling and gripping things. We had a neighbor gal run over and sit in the house while the kids were asleep until Nana got here. Sweet Rachel canceled her trip to Russellville to come help with Charlie, and we ended up being admitted to the hospital after several tests and a blessed dose of Demerol.

I had a CT scan and an ultrasound which revealed no appendix problems, bowel issues, or gallbladder complications. Turns out that my uterus was "muddled" and it appeared that there was something still in there from the pregnancy, won't know exactly what those "products" were until I go back for my follow up appointment though. I also had a bladder infection which probably wasn't helping with the pain. I had another dose of Demerol before moving up to my room where we waited on the doctor. When she got there she did a pelvic exam and let me know that she felt we needed to do a D&C, dilation and curettage, where they go in and actually scrape/suction your uterus to clean out any infected, damaged, unwanted tissue. It is sadly the exact same procedure whether you have an issue like mine, had a miscarriage, or have an abortion. It makes the procedure seem scarier to me for reason, not to mention the worry I had over possible risks to my reproductive future. Our doctor was amazingly sweet though and talked to me about the risks and assured me that I did not fall into any of the high risk categories.

I had never had surgery before, only stitches! General anesthesia is weird folks! I luckily didn't have a bad reaction to it, just confused and very out of it. I also woke up in a lot of pain. I lost about a liter of blood during the procedure and apparently had an "angry, spitting uterus" according to the doctor. I didn't need a transfusion, but it did require that my entire vajayjay be packed to prevent more bleeding. Yes, I said packed. It was so painful! There is some special thick gauze that they used and honestly packed an entire roll of it in there to ensure that I didn't bleed out. That combined with a catheter made for a painful night despite morphine followed my hydrocodone. My nurse that evening must have thought I was such a whiner! Everything hurt, my catheter, the packing, my arms/shoulders, I was thirsty, my throat hurt from being intubated during surgery, and I came back to my room with tears streaming down my face for some unknown reason. I was so emotional from leaving the baby, worrying about myself, missing the kids, feeling like I put everyone out, having to pump and dump, Rachel having to stay the night with a newborn and feed her with the bottle (her first bottle!), etc. I was just bawling and I remember the nurse asking me if I was scared or in pain. Neither, both, I don't know!!

Thankfully I got to come home Sunday afternoon and once I got off the hydrocodone I started to feel a lot better. It was quite an ordeal. So, I am basically starting over with recovery. I feel a lot better than I did. Oh, and P.S. Jason asked the doctor. "Is this because we had a homebirth?" The doctor replied, "No, absolutely not. I have seen this happen in hospital births as well. I just put this type of thing in the 'bad luck' category." It made us both feel better because it had honestly been in the back of our minds. Did I mention that my sweet midwife came and sat with Jason while I was in surgery? Anyway, I'm back to the invalid thing.

My house is a wreck, the kids' closet looks like an isolated tornado went wild in there, there are baby things everywhere, my bathroom/bedroom still looks like a birth clinic, the dog hair is rampant, there's a layer of dust on all wooden surfaces, hairballs have collected in nearly every corner, and there's just so much stuff everywhere that I don't know what to do with it. Don't get me wrong, we've had lots of help from Rachel and the laundry and dishes are well kept up with, dinner has been provided pretty much nightly, and I did clean a toilet out! I want to cook a good meal for my kiddos, have a shiny floor, vacuum the couches, dust, have an orderly room so I can sew something, and just feel like a normal mom instead of a cabin fevered sickly lady in a very nice assisted living home! :) A sweet friend got me a gift certificate for a full house cleaning, so I think I'm going to take that up at the end of this week but I have to clear away all the clutter first so that someone could actually find a surface to spray cleaning supplies onto!

Did I mention that my big kids are going to Missouri this week/weekend? Yep, Nana is taking them to visit their cousin and aunt and uncle. They leave today and don't come back until Sunday afternoon. Freddie went last year, but this is the first time Addie will be away from home like that for so long. She's spent two nights away from us when we went to Dallas in May and that's it. I am a little heartbroken and very apprehensive about the whole thing, but everyone keeps reminding me that I need the rest and recuperation time. I hardly intend to rest..well maybe sleep in quite a bit :), but I hope to get things back in order around here so the kids can come home to a new normal for the rest of the summer. We've got things to accomplish and a baby to get incorporated into our lives, and I'm tired of being too weak to participate in things. I am stuck at home right now while the kids and Nana and Daddy are at the library for storytime. Granted, I am glad to be home with the baby...but I'm tired of my kids missing me and poor Addie being traumatized when I leave a room. So, pray for me to use good judgment, keep a good/safe pace as I work, keep myself healthy, and for this dern sweet baby to sleep before 12:30/1:00 am!

I am even going to make a grocery store list and ask Jason to go fill it! HAHAHAHA!! Ooh, or maybe I'll go with and just ride in one of those Wal-Mart motorized carts!

The Ladies want to go on Strike!

2011-07-07T12:20:00.003-05:00

Yep, the ladies I'm referring to are my boobs! I am a strong advocate for breastfeeding and I intend to push on through, but I am not an advocate for lying to women about the challenges that breastfeeding presents. I remember when the nurses came to 5th grade to have "the talk" with us. The girls were in one room and the boys another and we were allowed to ask questions about puberty, periods, pads, and pubes. :) Gross. Anyway, they completely lied to us. There would be no pain associated with having your period, there are only a couple of tablespoons of blood, no smell, no one will know or notice, on and on. Imagine my shock when I was doubled over with cramps, changing huge diaper pads every hour, and horrified that everyone in my family could see it coming a mile away!

So, breastfeeding was presented to me as this beautiful, natural, organic experience filled with love hormones, joy, pride, and ease. Um, nope. Breastfeeding is beautiful and natural, but so is labor and birth. It is hard work, requires preparation, knowledge, strength, and dedication. It hurts, it takes away your control of your own body, it can be very difficult to fit in today's society, everyone has their own opinions about it, few are actually supportive, and you feel often like there is a big banner over your head announcing that your milk just let down, your breastpad is about to leak through your shirt, your boobs hurt, your nipple is cracked, the lanolin has left grease stains on your nursing tank, this stupid nursing cover is making me and the baby all sweaty, I'd rather just show the world my boob but my poor husband would likely be rather embarrassed, this baby won't stop eating, you feel like a human pacifier, and you would really with a lot of guilt and shame like to shove a bottle in your baby's mouth so you could sleep!

Too much honesty?? Sorry! Other days I feel like the best mother alive and that I'm providing my baby with the best start in life, my milk is actually changing not only the amount I produce but the actual calories, fat, and makeup of the entire substance to meet Charlie's nutritional needs. My milk is perfect in every way for her little body. She gets so much comfort when she latches on and can instantly relax her whole self and settle in for what seems like the most peaceful and enjoyable activity on the planet. I never have to go sterilize a bottle or mix up formula. Charlie's breath is sweet and her spit up doesn't smell at all, unlike that rotten potato smell of formula. Her poop is easy to clean, easy to pass, and hardly has a smell. She is content and there is always a supply on hand. I am reducing my chances for breast cancer while improving my baby's immune system, brain function, digestive functioning, and possibly increasing her sensitivity and intelligence. I am speeding my own recovery from childbirth and releasing powerful hormones that help me and Charlie bond with one another. Nursing is burning calories, allowing me to take in extra nourishment for myself while also speeding my metabolism and helping me lose the baby weight. I am a lovely picture of motherhood. God created me perfectly to nourish my child and grants me the strength and energy to do so daily.

Talk about some cognitive dissonance, folks! My advice to anyone who cares for it, try and focus on that second paragraph as often as you can but don't feel bad when the first one rears its ugly head. I just wish that women were nicer to each other, congratulated each other daily on even the small accomplishments we make, and found it impossible to judge each other for the choices we make or ways that we live that are different from our own. C'mon ladies, let's pat ourselves on the back and then go pat a friend on the back too!

Charlie's Birth Story - Part 2

2011-07-03T11:43:00.006-05:00

Where was I....

Oh yes, the fog! I was hanging in there and I remember folks coming to check on me, but I was very focused on my noises and preparing for each contraction. At around 2:30, Mary arrived to find me in a 30 second break. I was sitting in the bathroom and she placed the birthstool on the floor between the foot of my bed and the bathroom door. My mom helped me move to the stool where Mary was able to check my cervix. I was seven centimeters! It had gone so fast I could barely believe it. With Adeline it took me like 20 hours to get to 6. I was amazed and not afraid. I could see the birth pool across the hall set up in the serene nursery. Our bedroom was not so serene, tossed about with towels, birth supplies, a glass of ginger ale, ice chips, clothes stripped off from the heat, etc. Mary asked me if I wanted to go to the pool, but I told her I wasn't sure if I could make it. Amy, Mary's sweet and wonderful apprentice told us that there wasn't quite enough water in it yet anyway. Oh well, I had 3 more centimeters to go before pushing, we'd make it.

All of this happened in about 30 seconds. Mary got up and walked around behind me to get something and all of the sudden another contraction hit, but this time at the peak of it I felt something new and kind of exciting. I needed to push! I started calling out, "Mary, Mary, I..I...I need to push." This look of shock crossed her face and she came directly back to me to check again and I was indeed 10 centimeters and ready! I asked for everyone that was missing, I think Rachel was outside the room waiting because she figured I still had awhile to go. Everyone crowded in and I started pushing with each contraction. It was not peaceful, lovely, gentle, etc. The sensation of needing to push was the most powerful thing I've ever felt and it was involuntary. The control I had was only with my breathing, my vocalization, and the strength I put behind each push. There were complete primal sounds coming out of me but I managed to keep my muscles in my face and torso as loose as I could while I beared down with my arms and legs. My mom held my hand as she stood in the doorway of the bathroom, I pulled my other hand against the footboard of my bed, and my sweet husband sat in a chair behind me and pushed on my lower back and put his head into the back of my neck so I could just use that base to push against. He told me I was doing great and that he loved me, which I could only hear because he was right next to my ear. Otherwise, my sounds definitely would have drown him out. There were very few breaks, but it seemed like no time before I felt that incredible pressure and stretching and burning referred to as the "ring of fire." It was her head! I could feel her come out with the push then recede a little and it burned oh it burned. I looked at the midwives and then up at my friends and shook my head and said, "It burns, it really burns." They smiled, Amy smiled so kindly and said, "That's good, you're just stretching. Feel your baby's head." I did, I reached down and touched her soft squishy hairy head and felt re-energized for the next push. It took about two more good pushes and her head was out, sweet relief!

I'd like to say what most moms do, that after that her body just oozed on out easily and then I had this amazing endorphin rush and everything was beautiful. That's not the case though. I took a small rest then resumed pushing but she wasn't coming. Her shoulders were stuck. At this point my eyes were closed in concentration, but I could feel that I wasn't making the same progress with each push. The midwives immediately told me to move to my hands and knees and in the moment I was thinking I couldn't do it, there I was on hands and knees to help open up my pelvis to get her out. I beared down and pushed with all my might as someone (probably my mom) was yelling at me to push hard. I replied near tears, "I'm pushing as hard as I can!" I felt a little more progress and didn't know at the time, but her little face was turning from blue to purple and her shoulders were actually stuck so tightly that it was cutting off her circulation. There was no cord in the way though, her little shoulders were just flexed all the way out instead of folded in like most babies. Then they needed me to roll onto my back and helped me do so. In an instant, Mary and Amy reached down and grabbed Charlie under her arms and pulled her free on my next push.

They laid her on my stomach and time stopped. I thought Mary said, "There's no pulse." Jason thought she said, "She's not breathing." Either way, not good. I had one hand behind Charlie's head and the other wrapped around her little chest. Mary immediately began CPR. I could feel Mary's breath going into Charlie's chest and then I could feel and hear a little wheeze from baby girl. Then she started chest compressions. I was just praying, "Dear Lord Jesus, be with her, help her breathe. Breathe life into her, Lord. Protect her and bring her to me God." I remember those words and this amazing faith that God gave me in that moment. Some may call it arrogance, but not once during those moments did I even consider or conceive that she would not make it. I much more truly understand the faith of a mustard seed now. It just takes really needing to move a mountain to get it I think. No doubt, just blessed assurance. Thank you, God, for giving me that gift in that moment. In two rounds of breaths and compressions, Charlie let out a little rattle and I began to cramp instantly knowing the placenta was coming. I breathed a huge sigh of relief as the third midwife had showed up and caught the placenta as Mary and Amy gave Charlie some oxygen and watched her turn pink. They dried her off and checked her heart and her breathing and she was okay. They managed to get me into bed and brought her to me and laid her sweet little swollen chunky body next to mine as I ate some watermelon chunks and drank water trying to regain some type of strength. All of that was foggy too, but I remember feeling so cared for, loved, blessed, and safe during that time. I was disoriented but not scared or confused.

Charlie weighed 10 lbs and .5 oz for real! No wonder her shoulders got stuck, which my consulting doctor warned me could happen especially with being diabetic and going 10 days overdue! We really didn't think it would though, but the midwives were prepared and did exactly the right thing. Soon after delivery I had to get up to use the bathroom but got dizzy and lightheaded. They had to help me down to the floor where I honestly laid with a pillow and a blanket for 45 minutes before they could convince me to move. Charlie was asleep peacefully in her bassinet and I was asleep peacefully on the cool tile of the bathroom floor! Jason said he tried to get me up and I replied, "I'm not getting in that bed." Our bed is really high people!

I was fine in a few hours, only needed three stitches (which I claim as a major victory after having a 10lb baby wrestled out of me!) The midwives took excellent care of me and my family and friends have been amazing. I had my very own postpartum doula named Rachel, who has been here every day helping since Charlie was born. I am so grateful.

So, here's my reflection after a week. I am broken hearted that her birth was labeled as "traumatic." I don't care at all that it went so fast, that I didn't make it to the pool, that there weren't candles and music (wait, my mom brought my candle in the room when it was time to push because she knew I had a dream so she tried to make it have one element!), or that I was a primal cave woman instead of one of those little "oh me, uuggh" and then there's a baby. Mary said, "Well, we talk about home birth as this beautiful peaceful event, not this railroad, super speed type of thing!" Oh well, there were some scary elements to her birth, but the overall experience for me was amazing. I felt and feel powerful and amazed. I feel completely reassured that my midwives are the most loving, competent, and prepared choice that I could have made for my care and Charlie's. I feel that if I'd been in a hospital, a very similar problem could have occurred but with much more invasive results ending in more pain and recovery for everyone. That could have been an emergency c-section, 10 nurses pushing on my belly to get her out, a broken clavicle or dislocated shoulder for Charlie, a crazy episiotomy that I may never have healed properly from, and fear, confusion, loss of control and dignity, and all that combined. I know some folks won't agree, but that's okay. We all have choices and decisions to make in our lives that nobody else can make for us. I heard on a documentary one time an OBGYN saying, "I don't understand the pride thing in natural childbirth. I mean, when you're walking down the street pushing your three month old in the stroller it won't really matter anymore if you pushed it out without drugs. It just doesn't matter." I never thought of this as a pride thing, and it isn't. However, I finally got out of the house the other day with the family and I felt like I had this secret. Someone will say Charlie is such a pretty baby and I would think to myself, "Yup, and I pushed her out without so much as an ibuprofen!" Isn't that terrible? :) I just maybe doubted myself until that moment, doubted I'd have the strength and kept it all in an open hand without concrete plans because who knew if I'd give up and beg to be sent to the hospital for an epidural. Now I know that I can do it, I did do it, God is amazing in his plan and perfection for our bodies and the gift of growing and bearing life into his children. I honestly don't even want to put clothes on Charlie's little rolls because it makes her look like a child of this world instead of my little infant from God, brought into the world with love and blessings, comfort, safety, and grace.

Thank you again for your support and love, or even just your curiosity. I have worked very hard to understand my feelings on natural childbirth, breastfeeding, and midwifery care as opinions...just that, my opinions. I do feel very passionately about it though. I've read about 10 books and dozens of articles, watched multiple videos and documentaries, and talked with lots of real folks, and prayed and received much validation in these choices for our family. Please know that I would encourage any woman that her body was made for this, pregnancy is a privilege and miraculous, children are a blessing from the Lord, and labor is not impossible, it is just hard work with an amazing reward. At the very least I hope to inspire people to just ask questions. If you're 36 weeks pregnant and your doctor wants to induce, ask why! If you have a plan and desires for your birth, don't be bullied, ask questions and take charge while you can. Labor is not the time that you can make choices and take a stand on things. I tried with my first birth, but was a wimp and got bulldozed by well meaning nurses and doctors and was lucky to have gotten out of there with a vaginal delivery and no episiotomy. Everything else I wanted/didn't want was ignored. We are strong women with choices and a right to the type of birth we want and deserve. Oh, and for all of you wondering....I don't think the Allens are "done" having kids. I just haven't gotten "birth amnesia" quite as quickly as I did with an epidural! HAHAHAHA!

Charlie's Birth Story- Part 1

2011-06-29T18:10:00.006-05:00

Let me start by saying that I am so grateful to everyone that has been supportive as our family has planned for this homebirth with sweet Charlie. It has been such a fun pregnancy, despite it going on for way longer than I had planned. Also, my birth went totally differently than I had planned or even hoped. So, here goes.

We were at the dinner table celebrating Freddie's 5th Birthday! Here's the cake, double chocolate yumminess. Despite my better judgment I decided I would have just half a piece to celebrate with everyone. It seemed like I had just stopped eating and passed my plate away in agony when I had a hard contraction. I laughed and shared my pain with the family. Jason said, "If this chocolate cake sends you in to labor, I'm going to LOL." (Yes, he said, "lol") We got dinner cleaned up and I had another good contraction and decided we should go walking to help things along.

It was right at 8:00 p.m. and my mom was bathing the kids getting them ready for bath. I went to put on my pants to go walking and as I lifted my leg to put them on I felt a gush. I was pretty sure my water just broke. It wasn't a lot, so I knew it wasn't the whole shebang or anything. Jason and I headed out on our walk and called the midwife to let her know what was going on. I had a couple of contractions on our walk but nothing with any pattern. Our midwife, Mary, told me to call her when I got home and paid attention and had a time/pattern for my contractions. We got home and I headed for the bathroom. Labor really cleanses the colon, if ya know what I mean! I spent several contractions in the bathroom. The contractions still weren't regular and I could walk/talk through most of them. I took a nice shower and put on my nightgown. It was about 10:00 or 10:30 and they were coming anywhere from 4-7 minutes apart and getting stronger. Mary came over around 11:00 I think and checked me. I was only 3cm but almost completely effaced and she was pretty low but a little posterior. Mary suggested that I do some more pelvic rocks and get some sleep before active labor set in. With her suggestion I took a Benadryl and spent about 20 minutes on the floor basically laying my top half across my birthing ball, rolling my hips, and doing pelvic rocks between contractions. I eventually got into bed and tried to sleep. I was able to sleep between contractions for maybe 30 minutes and used visualization to help me through the pain. We practiced our "happy place" in birth class. Let me tell you about mine.

It's a foggy morning on the Little Red River. I'm 6 years old sitting on a lawn chair cushion in the bottom of my PaPa's flat bottom boat. The motor is off, we're stopped near the sandbar, and casting our lines. Behind me is my great grandmother sitting in her chair with her white curls barely moving in the breeze. Her pink frosted lipstick goes so well with her big 80s sunglasses. In front of me is my PaPa Coy, the best person my family ever produced. The pearl buttons on his Wrangler plaid shirt caught the bits of sun as it shone through the clouds. His mesh cap sat high on his head as he prepared to cast his line and slowly reeled it in just enough to tighten the slack. I could hear the whippoorwills calling in the treeline and the sound of our reels. I could smell the muddy water and my Granny Mable's perfume. I could see the water barely rippling beneath the boat and the faded red waist of my life jacket. In the back of my mind I was looking forward to the pimento cheese sandwich and coke that was in the little red cooler next to me. My favorite thing to see was my bobber on top of the water. I watched that thing, hypnotized, waiting to see it duck under the water to tell me I had a bite. I knew when I did catch a tiny perch that my PaPa was laugh and say, "Well, Mandy Bird, you skunked me!"

My happy place got me through several contractions, but eventually the pain would break through my scene and I'd have to leave and come back to my bed to focus on the task at hand. I so enjoyed my time there, even if it was short. Eventually at around 12:30 I had to get out of bed, move around, change position, and switch pain management techniques. I moved to Non Focused Awareness where you just basically let yourself take note of your surroundings while not focusing on any one particular thing or making judgment about your surroundings. It was so quiet so I had to focus on things I could see and smell. The bathroom was very crowded with supplies and such so I was able to lean over the bathroom sink and focus myself on all the items. I took note of colors, letters, shiny, flat, size, position, etc. of every item I could see. It was like taking an inventory during each contraction and moving farther away from myself to eventually notice the grout in the tile and the color of the door hinges. I had to move out of the bathroom once I'd inventoried everything imaginable. The focus was very helpful though. Then I moved to the bedroom floor and laid next to my sewing bin and made the inventory of each item, color of fabric, fold, ribbon, threads, patterns, etc. Smell was harder because it was more difficult to pinpoint. I tried things I could hear, but they were so repetitive; Jason's breathing (I was trying to let him sleep), my own breath, the fan, the sound of the chain clinking against the light fixture as the fan blew, the bathroom fan, rustling of blankets...it was too methodical to help move my attention away from the pain.

Soon, I moved to the shower. Once in the shower the only pain management that helped was vocalization. I had heard this from many moms but wondered how I would utilize this. Well, it was completely primal and unplanned or intended. I just began to cry out with each contraction with a strong "O" sound. At first it sounded like a whining boo hoo of suffering. So, I changed it to a little higher pitched and moved lower as the pain moved down. The contractions were getting so close together and I have no idea how long I was in the shower. Eventually I called to Jason to come and time them for me because I just felt like things were moving pretty fast. They were coming less than two minutes apart but were short, like 30-45 seconds. I had Jason call Mary and start filling up the birth pool. Of course, that meant I had to get out of the shower.

When I got out of the shower, I felt lost. I was in almost constant pain and felt spent of all my ability to handle it. I sat on the toilet again and called for my mom. Yes, I yelled, "Mommy, mommy!" That happened! My friend Andrea had made it in and I believe Rachel was there by then as well. My mom helped me move from the toilet to the foot of my bed and stroked my hair and my back as I continued to use my strong "oooohhhh" to get through each contraction. Jason was so busy trying to get the pool ready that I hadn't seen him much since he got up. I was definitely in "laborland" by then. I made eye contact with no one, remember very little conversation, and have almost a foggy image of things from there.

Fun with Nanny

2011-06-19T06:33:00.002-05:00

Fried Green tomatoes and a totally retro corningware pitcher I found at a garage sale...full of sweet tea. :) Mom made a fried feast for us last Sunday with all of our Farmer's Market finds. Fried chicken, fried okra, fried green tomatoes paired with cornbread, purple hull peas, and lots of "yummmmmms!"

Several hours later we had some pool time!

We are enjoying our visit with Nanny, but really wishing that Charlie would come on out and join the party! Freddie told me yesterday, "Momma, I want baby Charlie to come out today!" "Me too," I said. He then proceeded to put his mouth next to my belly and said, "Charlie, come out and see us today." She didn't listen to her big brother at all!

Myth Busters- Preggo Style

2011-06-15T10:48:00.002-05:00

All myths busted

1) Spicy Food- no workie

2) Red Raspberry Leaf Tea- no workie (but did give me terrible indigestion)

3) Sex- no workie

4) Nuhnuhnuh Stimulation - no workie

5) Walking- no workie

Those are the ones I can think of for now that haven't been successful. Patience is a virtue, but not one that I really have mastered! :) I guess I'm not as great of a "natural" childbirth candidate as I'd hoped, hahaha!

Last Day of Work

2011-06-10T13:55:00.003-05:00

Today is the last day of work before my maternity leave! It's been hard to focus, but mostly because I've been crazy productive and gotten everything done way ahead of time. That was likely due to my hopes of having a baby early, but oh well. :) I feel really good today and slept really well last night. My ligaments didn't ache so bad and I only got up to pee one time. I even went to bed super late because we went to see X-Men last night. I enjoyed it. Man that dude that played Magneto is a hubba hubba for sure. He was in Inglorious Basterds too and I loved him. The best is that he plays Mr. Rochester in the new Jane Eyre movie, which I have not been privileged to see yet. I can't wait until it comes out on Netflix!

Anyway, today is tank dress with pleats day! Others are wearing jeans, which I think is foolish in this heat! I've gotten several compliments rather than just those empathy groans when I walk by, so that has lifted my spirits. I think it is just the most helpful that today is my last day until August and my mom will be here at 8:20 this evening! I have not seen my mom since her wedding which was August of 2009. Can you imagine? I mostly feel sad that the kids haven't seen her in so long and Addie was just a tiny little 8 month old baby last time she saw her. It should be a very interesting visit as Nanny learns these little personalities again and helps us greet the newest member of the family. I'm also slightly excited that we may have a couple of days together to shop and have fun and do some nesting together before Charlie comes.

Anyway, I wanted to leave you with a picture of happiness and a reminder for myself in a few months of just how big my lips and nose actually got!!

39 Weeks

2011-06-08T11:38:00.003-05:00

Hmmm, my tune may be changing just a little this week so I need to do a gratefulness recap.

1) I have had four days with no swollen ankles, feet, or hands. That is a huge blessing.
2) I am getting at least 8 hours of sleep each night, comfortable or not!
3) I have time to knit in the evenings and watch tv with Jason.
4) We got to attend our last childbirth class last night where we watched a video on The Happiest Baby on the Block techniques. It was awesome.
5) Jason will be finished with school tomorrow.
6) My mom will be here on Friday night.
7) The whole family was sick over the weekend and is pretty much all better now (thank goodness no baby when everyone was puking!)
8) I have gotten to work this week which is money we really needed.
9) I got to wear one more new maternity shirt this week!
10) I was able to finish reading the Husband Coached Childbirth book by Dr. Bradley.

Okay, I feel slightly better. I was starting to think about how heavy my belly is, how my ligaments ache when I move, how my skin is starting to break out again, how everyone keeps asking me if I'm miserable and I'm starting to believe the hype, how worried I am that she's going to be huge (considering that she was an estimated 6.5 lbs 3 weeks ago), and how freakin' hot it is outside! So, if I can just replace these yucky thoughts with my grateful ones, then I know I'll make it as long as I'm required. I just had this feeling that she would come last weekend. Addie came 8 days early...that was yesterday people! :) Oh well, no two pregnancies are alike. I have a midwife appointment today and I'm not even going to ask her to check me. I just don't need that type of disappointment! Good news, only two more days of work before I'm outta here until August, woo hoo! I need the rest!

38 Weeks!

2011-06-02T08:48:00.002-05:00

I posted a pic on facebook this morning of my round and jolly self at 38 weeks. I am thoroughly enjoying these last few weeks of pregnancy. Yes it is too hot, my ankles are swollen nightly, it's hard to sleep comfortably, and I'm pretty exhausted once I get home from work. That is all beside the point though. :)

My skin is playing nice, my hair is thick and I can go days without washing it, I love wearing maternity clothes, Charlie moves all around and reminds me of her presence constantly, I am anxiously excited about labor/birth, the kids love to touch my belly, put their hands on it and tell me Charlie is kicking them. They gave me a full checkup with their doctor kit, stethoscope and all the other day. I enjoy visiting with my midwives, childbirth class is a lot of fun, I'm not waddling too badly, my back is doing fine thanks to the awesome chiropractor, pelvic rocks feel silly but I don't care, reading all of these books with anticipation is incredibly fun, and I just generally enjoy this whole process of pregnancy! I've told Jason to just greet people at church for me with, "She has two more weeks left, there's only one baby in there, and she's not miserable." :)

Keep an ear out for news of baby's arrival!

Birthday Party!

2011-05-29T21:31:00.005-05:00

Cowboys and Cowgirls!

Freddie's party was a big hit, and here are some pics to prove it!

Addie didn't want to sit next to us, she's already embarrassed to be part of the family! ;)

Those are shoestring potatoes around the cake to hide the fact that the cake maker misinterpreted my instructions to leave the "bottom" of the cake empty for decoration. Instead she left the edges with no border, but this makeshift "hay" was a huge hit with the kids!

Cowboy Freddie!

My beautiful girl!

They refused to look at the camera, but at least they weren't throwing a fit because we were leaving. Don't you know they are sleeping so well tucked into their beds tonight?

Thank you to everyone who made it and for those of you who couldn't, you were greatly missed! Love y'all!

Graduation

2011-05-27T21:33:00.002-05:00

Yup, Freddie graduated Pre-K! They had the sweetest program at his school. All the classes sang and Addie joined in. Here she is with one of her friends. She loves this little girl and gave her a big hug on stage. If only she was as sweet to her brother! She screamed and cried at the beginning but once she saw her other friends up there singing songs she knew, Addie had to go join in and then screamed and cried when it was time to leave.

P.S. I whipped up that skirt the afternoon before, it has squeers on it. That is squirrels for those of you unversed in Addie speak! ;)

The Man of the Hour

Pictures were hard to get in the dark with lots of other parents trying for their own. It didn't matter though, I was crying nearly the whole time. I had no idea they were going to have the little gowns and all. Can anyone else see him at 17? Jason leaned over and said to me, "We're going to blink and we'll be at his high school graduation." More tears! He did such a good job and remembered his line in their program. I just love this little kid so much and it's hard to believe he will be 5 in just a few weeks. Oh gracious they even had them move their little tassels across their hats after they got the diplomas. It was too much. Freddie is excited to start kindergarten and I am trying to deal with it in a non-dramatic way. I will be an emotional wreck come August, leaving our new Charlie girl at daycare for the first time, sending my sweet boy off to kindergarten, and soothing my darling girl Addie as she ventures off to daycare without her best friend, protector, and comfort, her bubba. I'm already crying, for real, no joke, free flowing tears.

I am proud of him, I miss him already, and all the while I can't wait to see who he'll become.

Margin of Error

2011-05-20T22:39:00.002-05:00

We had our 36 week ultrasound yesterday and the results are in. Charlie weighs anywhere between 5.5-7.5lbs. :) That tells me about as much as those weekly BabyCenter emails! The doc predicts that she's right in between at 6.5 lbs and isn't worried about her size at full term. Technically she will be full term next Wednesday at my 37 week mark. On average, babies gain 1/2 lb a week during this time so even if I go to 40 weeks at his guess she'd be 8.5lbs at delivery. That's a lot bigger than Addie, but still not huge or anything.

We had to go for this final ultrasound and consult with an OBGYN in order to finalize and approve our home birth because of my gestational diabetes. I've been managing it well though and I have full approval. I could now go into labor anytime and safely deliver at home. I have no clue if I'm effaced or dilated and probably won't until I actually go into labor. That's another blessing of midwifery care. Do you know that I've had 1 vaginal exam since being pregnant this time? ONE! That was my initial papsmear at the health department and nobody has gone poking around in there since. It's fantastic and even during these last weeks the midwives don't make that a routine thing and usually only begin checking you during labor and very minimally. I think that's awesome!

Anyhow, we got to see our sweet Charlie on the screen again and she is just pretty awesome. Her legs already look chunky, we could see a little patch of what the tech told us was hair, and we could even see her eyelashes at one point. Her little face was all squished against her placenta pillow though. She's head down and in a fine position to get ready to come out and greet the world. The kids are getting excited and we play a daily game of "Can you play soccer with a baby?" "NOOOOO!!!" they yell. "Can you snuggle a baby with a grown-up's help?" "YESSSS," scream Freddie and Addie. The list of nos and yesses just goes on and on and gets more and more ludicrous. My favorite is when Addie makes up her own. "We can kick da baby?" This precedes very worried glances between Jason and me, then she laughs hysterically and frantically shakes her head and yells, "Naaaooooo!" Oh Charlie, I hope you are the baby of steel!

Camera is here!

2011-05-19T22:34:00.004-05:00

The camera is here! I only got to play for a minute tonight, but I was glad for that.

The view from above!!
Addie shows on her new fwimmy sooooot.
My son is handsome and silly.
Mommy has serious belly!

Where'd they go?

2011-05-15T21:53:00.002-05:00

I had two comments on my last post and now they are gone...strange! Tomorrow is the big home visit with the midwives. I'm probably making much more out of this than it is, but it is a major milestone for me. It seemed like it would take forever to get here and now it's happening. I met with some interesting folks today that shared their opinions with me about home birth. I have to laugh and respect their comments because I was once a nay sayer about the whole thing!! One lady shared with me how she just couldn't do it because she doesn't like pain. It made me laugh to think of the opposite rationale there. I must enjoy pain, huh? :)

Andrea shared with me one of my emails of horror when my dear friend, Lydia, was planning her homebirth several years ago. I was so amazed by that decision. Anyway, I thought I'd give some more details for anyone out there that may be following this blog for the steps/processes of using a midwife and planning a homebirth. At 36 weeks there is a home visit where the two midwives and the apprentice come to your home for a visit to learn where you live, get a lay of the land, and talk to you more about the birth process. I have lots of questions...I think. I mainly want to know about the water birth situation and how we do the pool, how do you fill it with warm water, where should I put the thing, what if I get tired of the pool? Then I head off to my final ultrasound on Thursday! So excited and hopeful for a good prediction on the size.

Supplies

2011-05-11T11:04:00.000-05:00

Yesterday our home birth supply kit came in! It's in this big box and it's filled with mysterious and amazing things. There are 25 puppy pads, iodine, those amazing pads that get all icy cold when you break them, perineal massage ointment of some sort, an herbal bath pack or two, a fish net (for the water birth...apparently in case any "grotto" as the midwives call it starts floating around in there, gross!), gauze, a nasal aspirator, mesh briefs (I loved those things at the hospital so I ordered some for myself), a cord clamp, gee I don't even remember what all came in the kit but it is awesome. Jason also went to the health department to pick up our newborn kit. It has the vitamin K, eye ointment, two pieces of gauze for some reason, the supplies for the little heel prick, and some other newborn goodies. Having these things sitting in my house is kind of a reality check for me.

"Um, self...do you realize that there's a box of birth supplies on the kitchen table?"
"Yes."
"Well, there are also 6 bottles of hydrogen peroxide, a big plastic bowl for you to puke in, lawn bags, and a gallon freezer bag for your placenta."
"Yes, and..."
"That's weird!!"

Mother's Day 2011

2011-05-08T22:22:00.003-05:00

I can't believe it, Mother's Days have been very special events for the last few years. The first Mother's Day of my "motherhood" was the day I found out I was pregnant with Adeline. It was an amazing gift. I had woken up knowing it was my day to test since we were actively trying and on our first round of Clomid. I forgot that test morning happened to fall on Mother's Day. After years of negative tests, I dreaded peeing on that stick on Mother's Day of all days. It was stinkin' positive though and things just kept getting crazier from there! We spent that day celebrating with family and Brittany and Freddie were with us then so we both got a Mother's Day lunch at Mimi's!

The next Mother's Day Addie was about 4 months old and Freddie was our foster child. We waited in a huge long line at Loca Luna for brunch with Nana, Pappa Bob, and Robert because they weren't taking reservations. However, a huge group of folks were giving their names at the front and getting seated quickly. I guess that was on the "who do you know" list! Jason bought me a diaper bag I had been eying and an adorable dress I'd wanted for Addie and something else...I can't remember at the moment. It was a huge surprise though and it was just all very thoughtful.

The next Mother's Day Freddie was officially our son!! I was a real live mother of two and Jason worked so hard to make it an absolutely perfect day. We had lunch at Caper's with reservations and excellent service and the kids were angels. I can't even remember what my gifts were but it felt extravagant...I need to ask Jason to remind me. Then we took Freddie to his first ever movie, "How to Train your Dragon," which he found terrifying and spent a large majority of the movie hiding under the chairs! It was a lot of fun though and the day was just super sweet.

This Mother's Day I am 34 1/2 weeks pregnant and have my two sweet children to remind me daily of both the blessings and hardships of motherhood. We had lunch at Caper's again and our sweet Rachel joined us then I got a glorious nap and a date night to Barnes & Noble and Copeland's for a late dinner. Jason got me two beautiful painted canvas prints of pics of the kids that I love and drumroll please..........A NEW CAMERA! It will be making an appearance soon on the blog since my poor Sony has been near caput for the past year and a half or more! Church was wonderful, my husband was charming and kind, and my kids were absolutely themselves 100%.

So, this Mother's Day, I want to focus on those things that often go overlooked when we thank our mothers. Things that I didn't really remember or realize until I became a mother. Thank you moms for not minding holding chewed up spit out food in your hand when we take bites that are too big or tried a veggie that just wasn't what we'd hoped. Thank you moms for always seeming to be a magic trash can for all the paper, wrappers, empty drinks, tissues, and other goodies that we are "all done" with! Thank you moms for having purses full of toys, snacks, candies, extra panties, and chapsticks just to keep us entertained and prepared. Thank you moms for having what seems like 8 arms to carry said purses, catch the food, wipe the noses, catch us before we fall, carry us when we're throwing fits, hold hands across parking lots, and point to things you need that you can't find the name for. Biggest on my heart right now though is a big thank you to the moms that chose life, moms that chose love and sacrifice, to my sweet sister who chose life for sweet Freddie at the age of 15 and then chose life again when she voluntarily gave up her rights and asked that the court grant us custody. I have never been more proud of her or more in awe of her strength. No matter the sad and painful choices that led us to that point, she was given a chance to make another and she chose love and life for her son. I love you Sissy, and I will always be grateful to you.

Pajamas

2011-04-26T13:40:00.002-05:00

I just finished reading this book called The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls. It's a memoir about this girl growing up with extremely eccentric parents that were neglectful, irresponsible, a bit crazy, one was an alcoholic, the other severely psychologically disturbed, and just pretty much wild. The books is really good and some things reminded me of my own childhood, especially that guilt over feeling that you've abandoned your siblings. I cried at the end of the book, just thinking about how I would have made different choices as a young adult if given the chance again.

The best way to get out of that funk was to count through the good choices I've made and the ways that I'm able to provide my sweet babies with stability, structure, love, and pajamas. Yes, pajamas. Not that they are necessary or anything, but I know that I never really had a set of pajamas. Maybe when I was a baby I had some sleepers or something, but in my whole life I only remember having oversized thrift store shirts and old gym shorts that I slept in. My dad had a pair of pajamas that I think we got him for Father's Day once. My mom had some awesome satin type ones that she found on sale somewhere. They didn't wear them super often though. My brother and sister never seemed to have pajamas either. It was just "night night shirts" or some type of underwear/undershirt combo. I remember getting some things that more resembled pajamas in college, but I'm still pretty pajamaless. My kids though....they have an entire drawer in their dresser dedicated to pajamas. They have long sleeved pjs, shorts & tops sets, footed pjs, princesses, dinosaurs, racecars, apples, birdies, and even a matching set with fish on them. They love their pajamas, and nothing makes me happier than when they get to stay in them all day long! I love how the pants ride up and create saggy knees while the bands are tight around the calf. I love how every single pair of pajamas seems to create an insane diaper wedgie on Addie, and how their bellies poke out right under their shirts. I love how Addie sometimes refuses to take off her princess pajama top and I've taken her to school, the doctor, and out to eat in that top with a pair of jeans! I love how Freddie will create his own combos and pair an alligator top with dinosaur bottoms for the ultimate carnivore pj experience. He has this one pair of Calvin Klein PJs I found at a yard sale with little buttons on the front of the pants and they are wayyyy to small now but he won't stop wearing them. The top is an 80s midrift and the bottoms are like skin tight capri pants. I giggle every time he puts them on and make some lame Saved By The Bell reference that he will never get. I just love pajamas for my babies. It's strange how things so simple seem to make life more normal than I ever knew before. When I was a kid, the word "pajamas" was like saying "automobile" instead of just "car." It was fancy. When we say pj's, my kids think of bedtime stories, hugs and kisses, tucking into bed, night night songs, and "I'm not sweepy!"

What are some things you do to create a better world for your kids or even for yourself?

2 Months Away

2011-04-15T21:51:00.002-05:00

Today is April 15th. I am due June 15th, wha huh???

Things are in full spring swing around the Allen house. This weekend there's soccer, birthday party, a friend get together, Palm Sunday service, the church picnic and Easter egg hunt, and a bake sale. Next week there's an egg hunt at school, multiple services at church, Friday off work, woot, then a weekend of Easter gatherings and remembering the death and resurrection of Jesus. I really enjoy Easter with my family. It's a time to create new traditions with my kids and find ways to share God's love with them in a way their little minds can comprehend. I never really had that growing up, so this is completely new territory for me. As I told them the story of Easter the other night, they both got so sad and asked me, "Jesus died? Why he died?" Their sadness was so overwhelming and sincere that I understood so much more fully what faith like a child really means. It's a strange thing as a parent because I want to protect them from the more painful realities of the world, but I can't really teach them how amazing God's love is without them first coming to the realization of how very grim things would be without it. Just something to think about.

Other things going on, Jason and I are taking a just the two of us trip to Dallas the last weekend of April and it's going to be wonderful. I have never spent the night away from both the kids. Not that I can remember anyway, nope, don't think I have. I'll worry while I'm away, but I know Jason and I need this time. We've been savoring alone time together a lot more lately and we are both sharing in some anxiety as we realize that three kids is a lot more than two! As we wrangled them around Wal-Mart tonight, Jason motioned towards the two of them and then to my belly and lovingly said, "We're crazy!" He's probably right! The last time we were alone together was Tuesday night for our childbirth class. On the way home we laughed about how terrible music is these days and then tried to identify those truly horrible songs that we loved as teenagers. All those dance mix songs came to mind, "Be My Lover" by La Bouche, "Sex and Candy," and lots of others. It was fun. Childbirth class is fun too, and so confirming. The folks there look pretty normal and it feels like this isn't actually some fringe of society type of thing to do. I like that and I like that Jason gets to meet other supportive husbands that seem moderately normal to him (he thinks everyone is weird...so do I really).

In baby news though, I've gained only 15 lbs and I'm doing well with my diet. Charlie is head down and definitely a girl. We had a confirmation ultrasound over spring break. She punches me all the time and moves a lot at night. My SI joint is doing better after a few weeks with a chiropractor. I have a final ultrasound scheduled for May 19th where as long as the baby is not measuring too big, I will be officially cleared for home birth. I'll have my home visit the next week where the midwives will come out and we'll talk about plans for the birth and really get going on all this. I have to order all of my supplies too. It's really just kind of on auto right now, it's gonna happen! Sweet friends are planning a shower for me in May, then there's Mother's day, then we'll have Freddie's bday party somewhere at the end of May, then MY MOM is coming on June 10th, then Charlie will be here, and the whole crazy thing will be just beginning again!

Wanted: More Patience!

2011-04-02T20:45:00.005-05:00

I need more patience with my children, specifically my weirdo son. Gracious knows that I love my babies with all of my heart. It is just getting increasingly more difficult to tolerate the craziness that is my son's behavior.

He is constantly talking and it is usually just saying, "Maaa!?"

"Yes, Freddie?"

"Uhhhh.....(blank stare) I like you!"

"I like you too, Freddie."

"Uhhh...Maa?"

"Yes, Freddie?"

"Um.....do you....Ma do you, do you, Um....Ma do you know what movie I like?"

"Which movie?"

"That movie Toy Story 3, that's a good movie."

"Yup."

"Uh, Maaa?"

"Yes, Freddie."

"I know how about we could do before bed."

"What?"

"Ummm...we could, Maa we could um watch that movie...we could watch Toy Story 3!"

This is actually a pretty productive conversation, but they usually aren't so and they happen at least 25-30 times a day. He talks so fast that he doesn't even pronounce Mama, it's just, "Maa!" This is combined with a lot of whining recently and bursting into tears when he puts his shoes on backwards. He has also taken to making airplane noises, shooting pretend guns, talking to himself, T-Rex walking through public places including tucking his elbows into his sides and stomping, rolling his head around while laughing and talking to himself, constantly sniffling and refusing to blow his nose until he's forced to by my nagging and a big droop of snot about to run into his lips. Disgusting, I know! This is typical kiddo behavior, but my patience is so short sometimes that I worry he may get a complex. I nag too much over stupid things. I know that pregnancy, a 2 year old in potty training, and the extreme pain my back are all combining factors in this though. Still, pray if you can for me to have more patience with him and to enjoy his silliness rather than let it be a bother to me. It breaks my heart when I look back on a day and see that I've burdened him more than I've praised him. Sweet crazy kid, how I wish we could all be more like you!

Much Better

2011-03-29T20:34:00.002-05:00

I feel much better thanks to more pillows at night and a few visits to a really kind chiropractor. I'm not very excited about the $40 a visit, but hopefully I can just be able to walk! I don't have much else. No pictures yet of the quilts, mostly because I have only finished one. It was a lot more work than I anticipated! The kids have adjusted very well to sharing a room together. Sweet potato girl is just so big. I can't believe it. Anyway, not much to say, just checking in!

Promises

2011-03-25T23:28:00.003-05:00

I have been busy with some crafting lately. I set out to make quilts for Addie and Freddie's beds. Toddler bedding is really a pain. It's either ugly, gaudy, super cheap, or incredibly expensive for 2 yards of fabric. Even finding a sheet set for a toddler bed is crazy expensive. I saw some cute sets at Target, but they were $25-$30 a piece and not really perfect by any means. They just weren't what I wanted. Why can you get twin size bedding for next to nothing and then be expected to pay out the wazoo (like $70 for a quilted toddler bedding set) for two yards of fabric to go on a miniature bed?

Anyway, I didn't really save money because my supplies cost me about $40 and there is no coordinating top sheet, but I found very cute fabric and gained experience in quilt making! It has been really fun and I was able to customize the size to actually cover the bed instead of go up to the bottom of the pillow and stop and barely lip over the edge of the bed. ANNOYING! The promises come in with me "promising" to post pictures when I'm done! We put the kids' room together today and they are both sleeping peacefully in their new co-ed room. We have worked so hard today and this weekend has more work in store with cleaning and organizing and maybe some nesting for Charlie girl. Freddie's sweet little quilt and matching pillowcase is in the washer now. I'm so excited! Not that I attached the binding correctly, cut it accurately, joined the ends right, or at all "mitered" the corners in any recognizable way, but I'm just remembering how many times a week it will be washed due to my sweet boy's pee pee palooza he has nightly. This is a functional thing! ;) Stay tuned!

Discomfort

2011-03-20T20:37:00.002-05:00

I has it!

I've been googling, a dangerous pastime, I know. Google has led me to the diagnosis of pelvic arthropathy.

"A woman with pelvic arthropathy will feel pain mostly around her pubic area spreading out to the groin and the front and back of the thighs.

Some kinds of movement, such as lying on her back and trying to turn onto her side, worsens the pain. When she walks, her steps will get shorter until she is almost waddling. Walking up and down stairs is especially difficult.

Some degree of pelvic joint pain affects most women in the later stages of pregnancy but the discomfort for a small group of women is often underestimated. For these women, pelvic arthropathy might develop early in pregnancy and last well after delivery."

That's me, my pelvic bones ache. Not my hips like with Addie, not even my SI joint as badly as with Addie. Every night though, my pelvic bones/groin aches and hurts especially when I lay down for bed. During the day at work I've had multiple people mention the discomfort on my face when I walk. I'll ask my midwives about this, but for now google wins! At least I have something to call it that sounds really terrible so I can talk about how my pelvic arthropathy is acting up! Would more walking help? More water? Massage? I just don't know, but for now I'm just in pain.

Maturity

2011-03-18T09:44:00.003-05:00

I am not nearly as mature as I thought. Also, lots of people 20-35 years older than me are also not very mature. I'm discovering that a lot of folks are bitter, ugly, scorned, and then even more bitter inside. I have my days where I wallow and feel very sorry for myself and feel like the victim, the target, the "all about me" days, you know. I could never live in that state though for some extended period of time. It would be miserable. Unfortunately, so many of the people in our lives do live in that state and it's always bubbling under the surface. It is so ugly and hurtful when it comes out.

Here's my announcement to the world that refuses to take the blinders off. JESUS is the only reason I have anything. My LOVING GOD is the only reason I am alive. OBEDIENCE to CHRIST is the only way I've found to make anything go "right" in my life. It is not because I'm "likeable," "peppy," rich, blonde, funny, a suckup, fake, cute, lucky, or even a particularly good person that anything good has ever happened to me. On the other side of that coin, it is only because of the evil living on this earth, the spirit of meanness and pain, the devil that lives here even in the hearts of men that any of the horrible things in this life have happened to me. It wasn't because I was bad, I was "unlikeable," I was unlucky, ugly, fat, or brunette. I have to remember that when mean people make my life unbearable or when it seems that the ugly hearted get nowhere in life, that God could turn their lives around just as easily in a moment. More bad things will happen in this life and I will not blame myself or "the universe" nor will I give credit to myself or the universe when blessings come. So, thank you Jesus for helping me to daily remove bitterness from my heart and anger from my soul that I may live in your light rather than darkness. Help me bring that light with me into the dark places where I find so much cruelty and selfishness so that I shall not be dragged into it!

Letting Go

2011-03-07T12:08:00.002-06:00

I'm having a very hard time right now letting go of my kids in their own rooms. There are dozens of pros to moving Addie and Freddie in together and dozens of cons. Right now the biggest con is that I am having an emotionally difficult time letting go of Addie's "nursery" and all of her girlie things and all the nesting and work I put into it (mostly due to knowing that I will not have that kind of time to individualize a room for Charlie). At the same time, Freddie's room is all boy and filled with the smell of little boy pee, trucks, trains, and robots and superheroes.

Pros
Freddie's room is bigger = more room for toys, playtime, two toddler beds
New room to decorate for both of them
Charlie's own space to sleep/not sleep for probably the first year of her life
A new nursery to nest in for new baby
Their room can be more grown up and have big kid toys separated from baby toys
Addie might do better in her big girl toddler bed with big brother there with her
Consolidation = more space to grow as a family into our home!

Cons
Emotional turmoil for Mom
Bedtime could be a terror with both of them talking/getting out of bed, etc.
Mornings could be a terror with Freddie waking up considerably earlier than Addie most days
The work!!! So much to move, rearrange, not enough closet space for both of them, etc.
The loss of individual space for them for timeouts, naps, etc.
Fear of supervision issues at night/nap time/boo boos, he hit me, get out of my bed, that's mine, etc.

Any advice for this overthinking mom? You can see that my blog has become more active free therapy for me lately, huh??

Thoughts & Things

2011-03-01T17:17:00.003-06:00

As I get further along in this pregnancy, more questions are coming to mind. Do you wanna help with some? Okay, great, thanks. :)

1) Where should I set up the birthing pool?

I would like it to be in a room where I can close the door and just relax alone or with just Jason and me but still allow other people a common room to sit and visit. Thoughts?

2) What if I freak out?

3) Can I do this without my mom or Jason's mom? (she's not planning to attend so that she can watch the kiddos)

4) How can I explain to people that the kind of help I need when the baby comes is not the kind where they take the other kids away?

I know that sounds odd, but I just have this fear that folks will want to help out by taking Addie and Freddie for outings, sleepovers, extended stays, etc. and this summer will be my only time with all three of them before Freddie starts kindergarten and I go back to work. Any suggestions or thoughts/experiences in this area?

5) What if Jason and I aren't "telepathic" as Ina May and her hippies say?

I don't really think that's a good word for it but the question remains. What if he doesn't know what I need, he can't apply pressure in just the right spot on my back, he gets overwhelmed and then angry with me for being a brat? The man can't even tolerate it if he scratches my back and I redirect him to the correct itchy part and I have no idea if it's because he's a punk or if I am. Thoughts again?

I have lots more, but I figure those will be answered by my midwife as things get closer and I have my home visit. What do you say about these though??

Great Weekend!

2011-02-20T23:08:00.002-06:00

Yep, we had one. Friday night I got to just hang out and chat with my sweet Rachel. Baby Charlie must have really enjoyed our conversation because she was doing some gymnastics on Friday night. It is always fun to feel her move but this was extreme! Saturday we made it to Murray Park, had a little picnic, played in the sunshine, and even broke out the bike and tricycle for the kiddos. The whole family got a great nap and then a visit from some family. The kids were entertained for hours and so grateful of the gifts they were given. It always makes me feel so good to see them show thanks and grateful hearts.

This morning I taught Sunday school and took both kids despite our 11 o'clock lunch date with Nana and Pappa Bob. The kids actually hate to miss church and get a little tiffed if we sleep in and they miss seeing some of their favorite people. Addie loves the ladies who teach in the nursery and Freddie loves the children's director. We skipped big church which was a compromise to go eat pizza with the grandparents, it was accepted! ;) We all got gifts from Nana & Poppa Bob. I got pens, Jason got cigars, and the kids got tons o'candy!! Once again, the kids were grateful and sweet. Even though they get gifts and surprises almost every time they see Poppa Bob, they are still excited and thankful. I told the kids that they have lucky grandparents! Anyway, we got another great nap, I finally went to the grocery store, and I even got some work done that I was behind on from last week. Now I'm watching one of those outrageous medical shows on TLC. It's late, but I'm not eager to start the week. Well, I'm eager for another weekend though! Spring seems to be springing and I couldn't be happier.

Ina May G.

2011-02-09T19:22:00.002-06:00

I almost finished devouring Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. I can't believe I didn't read it when I was pregnant with Addie and hoping for a natural delivery. I only read one book, watched one movie (Ricki Lake's The Business of Being Born), read a lot on the internet, and followed the weekly pregnancy guide book...oh and I read a breastfeeding book. That was it. Well, I took a hospital sponsored childbirth class also. Since I've been pregnant with this little gal I've been much more proactive in my knowledge gathering.

Have I told you all that we are seriously considering Charlotte Olivia for baby girl's name? We'd likely call her Charlie. We really like it, and there have been virtually no other names Jason and I have both agreed on. There's always a chance though that the goods were seriously hiding in that first ultrasound and it's actually a boy! ;)

Okay, back to Ina May. She is amazing. Her writing is simple and you can tell she is kind of a nerd about her work (which makes me love her even more, everyone should geek out about things they love). She has educated herself from so many fields and time periods and her resources in this book are astounding. I've never heard anyone speak/write so plainly yet have such rich analysis, story telling ability, presence, and gobs of documented information/statistics to share. I'd love to meet her, and I'd probably have something like celebrity shock if I did! The funniest thing is that although she is a midwife, her nurturing side seems much more matter-of-fact than it does our Southern style of "honey-child" "sugar dumplin' " and such. She just knows women can do this and therefore she nurtures that ability. I want to go to The Farm in TN where she lives on her hippie commune and practices, but the odds of meeting her or that she'd be available seem pretty slim! I know lots of people have been on the Ina May bandwagon way longer than me, so sorry to just be catching on! The feminist in me is just so empowered by her, the things she teaches and believes in, and the women who came before her whom she respects so much. I would recommend reading her books pregnant or not. I'm on to her first book, Spiritual Midwifery, when I finish this one!

Snow and Sweeties

2011-02-05T12:16:00.003-06:00

I took pictures last month during the big snow and here are a few for your viewing pleasure.

I can't believe how grown up she looks, not to mention boofull aka beautiful. ;)

Love my hubbers.

Update: All is well

2011-02-01T22:43:00.002-06:00

Baby girl is fine, heartbeat is strong. It's possible she shifted around and is making it harder for me to feel her. At the ultrasound she was feet down so if she is head down or laying sideways I may not be feeling those kicks/movements as much. I feel better though and had no issues with my blood sugar despite the root beer and candy....all the more reason I think it's a conspiracy anyway!

Thanks for the thoughts!

Homemade Sugar Test

2011-02-01T13:37:00.002-06:00

I am downing a Barq's root beer and I've had two fun size candybars in the past 10 minutes. No I have not gone stark raving mad from lack of yummy foods. I just haven't felt the baby move in probably 3-4 days now and it is starting to worry me. When I look at my sugars though, it doesn't surprise me. I have had blood sugar below 100 over half of the time I am checking, poor baby has no energy! ;) Anyhow, I've decided to see if I can stir up some movement with a good sugar shock and if not then I'm calling the midwife. No need to be worried, but I had a pretty good rythm of feeling her move for a couple of weeks so that's the only reason I'm concerned now. There has been a rather sudden slump in her movements almost to nothing that I can recall in the past few days. Cross your fingers that I feel movement and don't go into diabetic shock! ;)

Snow Cream- Inspired Post

2011-01-31T09:24:00.002-06:00

I was inspired by Candice to do a recipe post for snowcream. I usually make it with Pet milk (evaporated milk), sugar, and vanilla. I changed up my recipe last time we got snowed in because I didn't have any evaporated milk and voila, it was even better!

Ingredients

Lots of fresh snow (Tip: Put a large bowl outside to collect your snow and bring it in right before you're ready for it...I used a metal bowl because it gets really cold to keep the snow from getting melty on the bottom)

2 Cups Heavy Whipping Cream

1 Cup Sugar

2 tsp Vanilla

Directions

Heat your heavy cream in a heavy pot until it just simmers, stir constantly (do not boil!) Turn on low heat and stir for 10-15 minutes until mixture thickens and turns to a thicker creamy consistency. It will also turn a nice cream color.

Add your sugar and vanilla, stir until completely dissolved

Put this mixture in the freezer until it is completely cooled (you don't want to melt your snow!)

Once mixture is cooled, bring in your snow and slowly add your cream mixture until all the snow is covered and there is a little bit of liquid in the bottom of your bowl. Stir until smooth then serve quickly! Tip: I put mine back in the freezer and although it takes awhile to thaw out again, it tastes just as good the next day!

20 Weeks = HALF WAY

2011-01-28T20:59:00.002-06:00

OOOOhOOOh, we're half way there. OOOOOhOOOOOH, livin' on a prayer, take my hand, we'll make it I swear.

Yes, some Bon Jovi love. Dixon Parnell would be so proud of me! ;) So we're at 20 weeks, that's 5 months, that's half of 40 weeks, half way to the due date (closer really). It's very hard to believe. This pregnancy is flying by like crazy strange fast. I am taking good care of myself though. I've been eating right, my sugars have been fine for the past week that I've been checking them, and I feel kind of empowered being able to control this "disease" that I have by making good choices about the food I eat. If only I would do that ALL the time! I go to the doctor on the 10th of February for my evaluation to see if the doctor will clear me for a home birth. Cross your fingers for me!

Hmm, in other preparation I've finished reading my Birthing From Within book and Ricki Lake's Your Best Birth, and now I'm on to Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. It feels so comforting to read these books. I guess I'm of the mindset that knowledge is power. Power, in the case of childbirth I think, makes all the difference between having an active vs. a passive birth. My reading has also been opening my eyes to the fact that ANY type of birth can be powerful and mom can be an active participant, but not without knowledge, surrender, and the desire to be present. I know surrender sounds like the opposite of power, but I mean surrender to your body, surrender to the pain, surrender to the circumstance you find yourself in, surrender to the cesarean birth, whatever it is so that you can be powerful with your body instead of against it. I'm a big hippie, I know.

Wait until you've heard my latest. I did not watch Food Inc, and decide to turn organic vegan...sorry to those of you who did. I know it was a powerful movie! ;) I attended a training hosted by a chiropractor, nutritionist, and wellness coach. She was awesome, found out she's also a believer, and she's just one of those motivating positive people. I am VERY cautious about chiropractic care in general but after she spent like 2 hours answering all my questions and such I felt more comfortable at least trying it. My midwife said it would help with my SI joint pain. It's Dr. Traci Bishop out of LR. Her nutritional stuff is also very interesting. She basically says the food pyramid lied to us and that we need to be fat burners instead of "sugar" burners. She insists that we should be taking in plenty of good fats, avoiding sugar (high fructose corn syrup especially), empty carbs, acidic drinks, artificial sweeteners, and drinking at least half our body weight (in ounces) in water. I'm trying out some of her ideas and feel pretty good about it. She also talked about "Burst Training." It's all very interesting.

Kay, that was a very boring post! Sorry!

Lady!

2011-01-21T19:57:00.002-06:00

We are going to have another little lady in the house! I'm sure everyone saw on facebook anyway, but all the same. Here's the announcement, we're having a girl! She was not nearly as cooperative as her sister. Addie was spread eagle, head down, butt up, legs over her head the moment they peeked at her. This one was cross legged, stubborn, and feet down. The ultrasound tech worked so hard, and it's about 90% certain that it's a girl, but I guess she/he could have been hiding something really well! I think we'll have another ultrasound in a month or so because the baby was till pretty small and they couldn't quite see everything as clearly as they wanted. Otherwise though, the baby has a healthy little body. It was so good to see her and watch her move! It was very different though, because you really had to work at it to make out body parts and stuff. Addie was very clear, but we were at almost 21 weeks with her when we had the ultrasound. It's amazing the difference in size.

Oh...I met a girl at work who is using the same midwife. I wasn't clear if she is pregnant now or planning to get pregnant. We'll see. The best part about all of that is that she's perfectly normal looking. You know, she doesn't wear tie dyed t-shirts, Birks, hemp sandals, flowy skirts, nor does she have dreds or anything! She's just a normal gal, like me. She even commented on how all the doulas there have hippie baby names. Isn't that hilarious? We discussed how good it was to find people beating the stereotype of midwife, doula loving, home birthers! ;) I hope I get to talk to her more. She works in the houses, so we don't run across each other super often.

Work, work, work...btw it is hard! I know I'm a weenie, but man these past few weeks have been tough. I'm very tired and sort of mentally drained. Everyone has been wonderful, but I still feel lost most of the day. We're also implementing a lot of new policies and processes surrounding documentation, which has made it even harder to learn things. Did I mention that I'm still doing all of my old job duties as well? Yep, so like triple the work! I did go through my first experience of advertising for a job, reviewing applications/resumes, interviewing, and then hiring someone! That was all very exciting, except for the turning people down part. I really didn't like that part at all. Anyway, I hired an awesome gal with amazing references so I'm very hopeful for a smooth transition. I'm just bummed that it may be 30 days before she can start. Prepare for a dog tired wiped out, crazy loon named Amanda to take over this blog! Okay, off to help get the kids in PJs. I miss them so much. They are doing better than I am I think. Freddie just hates getting up in the mornings and Addie is still dog tired when she gets home. Luckily, Jason has started picking them up around 4, so Addie gets an hour nap and can make it until bedtime without so much drama. I talked to the doctor about it, worried that she was not getting enough sleep. She told me that all kids are different and Addie just may really need more sleep during the day, so I'm willing to help her get it. I hate to see her so tired and delirious.

Whine

2011-01-17T22:44:00.003-06:00

I am whining due to lack of readership/comments on recent posts. Although, that consists of like 4 people or so and one of them is out with "twins" ;), some have been traveling, and another is just a silent stalker who bugs me when I don't update! Anyhow, I figure it's my fault for neglecting to update for quite awhile especially around the holidays. SO...I'm going to do better and see if it helps.

Baby news, I am officially stricken with the diabeetuhs...imagine Wilford Brimley is saying that word and you'll have the correct pronunciation. ;) It's just fun to say it that way. My midwife is being very cautious with me and I have definitely made the change in my diet. The worst part was the three hour glucose test I had to endure at the health department. That stunk it up big time. So, what's the big deal? I had it last time, right? Well, here's the deal. Since I tested positive for gestational diabetes I have to be seen by a doctor or nurse midwife and cleared for a home birth. This adds an additional hurdle, and if my sugars (which I'll have to be checking 4 times a day!) and weight gain do not stay under control then a doctor or nurse midwife would not be able to clear me for a safe home delivery. I think I've decided to go with Dr. Guy Henry at Grace Women's Clinic here in Little Rock. I've had a friend go to him during pregnancy and she appreciated his liberal approach as far as natural childbirth is concerned. The midwives highly recommend him, and my new insurance will cover him starting in February. I'd have to pay out of pocket to see a nurse midwife because my insurance company only covers one here in Little Rock (only two in all of Arkansas) and she is strongly affiliated with hospital policy at UAMS. Therefore, it would be slightly risky to allow her the final decision. The other that I'd pay out of pocket for has an amazing reputation and actually delivered a friend's baby at home, but that could be a few hundred dollars that we don't really have.

The plan for now is to eat right, try to get some good exercise routine going, and test my sugars 4 times a day until probably the second week of February and then go in for an appointment with the doctor. Surely if my sugars are all in recommended range then the doctor will be able to feel comfortable clearing me or maybe just following up again before labor. I still will have to check my sugars and be followed by my midwife and her apprentice. I will also still have to go back to the nurse practitioner at the health department after 35 weeks as well for a final examination, the Strep B test, and a final clearance concerning my diabetes. Lots of things have to fall into place, but there's no reason they shouldn't. It's all up to me taking good care of myself, so I just will.

Ummmmm.......we have our ultrasound on Wednesday afternoon!!!! We should be able to see if we're having a boy or a girl and I'm super excited both to see our baby for the first time and to start preparing for this new little life in a new way...with stuff! ;) No, I just want to be able to decide on a name, tackle a knitting project, dream up nursery decor, and be able to tell the kids if they're having a baby sister or a baby brother. It's just too exciting! Tune in for news on Wednesday! May I also say that this day brings some sense of hesitation in me, because I know there's always a chance that something could be wrong with our little one that we haven't seen yet. I know that babies have been lost before ultrasounds, heartbeats can't be found, and all that joy can turn so quickly into mourning. I'm not trying to be morbid, just reverent and aware. I have so much love and joined sorrow for those who have struggled with these things all the while I pray not to have to.

Two

2011-01-13T22:32:00.002-06:00

My baby girl used to be one year old.

Now she is two years old!

My post is two days late, but all the same. I can't believe it. Although, I'm handling this birthday a lot better than the first. Maybe since I've been at home with them I haven't felt like it flew by so fast or that I'd missed everything. 2010 is going to fly though! Addie is precious and adorable, she's incredibly smart, and she is silly and girly and so much fun. She also has the worst temper in the world, is ornery beyond compare, throws the biggest ugliest fits, yells and screams, is the best at tantrums, and can not be reasoned with in the slightest. I guess I just need to remember how much I love her now, despite her bipolar tendencies. Then I can look back on this time as preparation for the teenage years and hormones! Thank you friends who love her and family who adore her. I get completely choked up when I think about how my kids will grow up with this extended family of people who love them and care about them, and know them. It means so much to have shared these two years + 2 months (you know, that small period of time where we were pregnant parents of 1!) of parenthood with you all. Pray that the two year old beasts leave my sweet daughter alone soon and for potty training to take off like a rocket in the next few months!

Addie's Snowy Birthday Party

2011-01-09T21:27:00.003-06:00

Well, the snow didn't keep us from having a wonderful birthday party for baby girl. She had a great time and we had a lot of fun. We missed a lot of people who couldn't make it or had to leave early, but we made the best of it and ended up having a really great time. I'm so grateful for our sweet friends and family. Addie Belle is a lucky little girl to have these great folks to grow up with. My sugar plum had a tea party bday, which was supposed to be Barney themed but we found no Barney anywhere! I searched high and low at five different stores. We didn't have time to really prepare beforehand and buy stuff online with all our Christmas goings on and then my work week I just didn't even think about it. The teaparty theme worked out anyway with a little help from Dora, who was readily available at every store I entered! Anyhoo, I'll post more this coming week as I enjoy a snow day tomorrow and then Addie's birthday is Tuesday and I'm going to send cupcakes to school with her. That sweet angel baby is such a big girl now. Wednesday I have a prenatal appointment and Addie's two year check up. I'll get to spend the day with her and have some Mommy Daughter time that is way overdue. Mostly because she's absolutely rotten to the core right now. The terrible twos are in full swing and I'm downright exhausted most days. Thankfully she's adorable and so sweet when she's happy that it kind of makes up for it!

My 2012 Goals

2011-01-02T21:06:00.002-06:00

I hardly ever actually make New Year's resolutions, but this year I'm totally out of the dieting category so I figured I'd go for it! :) No, eating better is definitely going to be one of them.

1) Eat according to the requirements for gestational diabetes from now until the end of the year in hopes of losing the baby weight and some extra by January 2012.

2) Prepare Freddie for Kindergarten by completing the readiness calendar distributed by the school district and teaching him basic reading skills!

3) Potty train Adeline

4) Learn to quilt (I learned to knit in 2010 so why not quilting next?!)

5) Knit a baby sweater and booties

6) Go on a romantic trip with Jason, no kiddos

7) Read 6 books for pleasure (preferably fiction because I'm always reading about babies, birth, knitting, etc. because I can just easily pick it up and put it back down!)

Here are some gimmes...

8) Start a new job!
9) Have a baby!
10) Learn how to be a full time working mom of 3!

The End of an Era

2011-01-01T21:01:00.002-06:00

Yep, my last weekend before heading back to full time work. I can hardly believe it. These past two weeks have gone by too quickly and have been way too full of hustle and bustle with the holidays. We've hardly had time to breathe, and now all of the sudden it's Saturday night. One more day until the craziness begins again.

Addie is in her room screaming because she wants her pacifier, yes it will be two weeks on Monday and she is still crying for it and asking me about it. I don't know what to do and I feel awful. Who says that pacifiers aren't acceptable for 7 year olds anyway? I think she'd probably wean herself off before then, eh? I think the kids are going to have a rough week ahead of them with all of these changes, but hopefully they will be able to adjust quickly. I'm just a bundle of emotions and worries.

Baby #3 News:

I failed my 1 hour sugar test

I now have to take the 3 hour sugar test at the health department this Wednesday morning

I have felt some little baby rolling movements

Now I worry when I don't feel them for a couple of days

I am oficially unable to wear any non-maternity pants except one oversized pair of slacks from 30lbs ago

I feel fat, not pregnant, just inflated and fat

My SI joint pain has returned, which I think is in large part due to too much jumping while playing the Kinnect

We have our 18 week ultrasound scheduled for January 19th! We hope to find out the sex of the baby then...and no, neither of us really have a preference

I will have health insurance starting in February, so if anything should go wrong I will have a back up!

Side note: When the baby comes and I head back to work, we have discovered that with fulltime daycare for Addie and the new baby and the afterschool program for Freddie...we will be paying $215 a week for childcare. That's about $10,000 a year, people! Too bad they can't also get a college education while they're at it!

Hmm, not much else going on except for our amazing new minivan! We found a 2006 Toyota Sienna, white, 82k miles, great condition, only two previous owners, all service done at Landers and completely well kept/serviced, (no bells and whistles, dvds, power doors, etc., but a keyless entry is a step up for us folks!), for only $12k WOOOT! We hate to have a car payment at all, but this is much more in our price range than we ever thought and we were able to get the make and model we hoped for. We've driven it all around town and back since Wednesday and still have half a tank of gas too! I feel a bit like a grown up in that thing! I don't know when I'll get back into the blogging swing after this big transition but hopefully I'll find a good rythm that will include updating the masses! ;)

Changes A'Brew

2010-12-15T22:34:00.002-06:00

According to that wheel thingie bopper magiggy I am 14 weeks today, how did that happen? I'm counting my weeks on Fridays. Either way, this week is 14! We've now heard little bebe's heartbeat on two lovely occasions. I know I didn't post after my last appointment, but I did send an update on Facebook to let folks know everything was okay. God also gave me a great opportunity to have mercy for the plite of my midwife's apprentice. She was so sweet and caring towards me when I came in to hear the heartbeat that second time and so reassuring. She explained how we use this technology of the doppler to help us feel safe and secure, not to create fear. I liked that explanation and then after a few minutes of searching, she found the baby's heartbeat echoing right behind my own. They were beating together, one fast and one slow. It was very precious and Jason was there to hear it along with both of the kids!

So, after that visit and then today I had a full prenatal appointment, I really like my midwife's apprentice. I'm just going to call her my midlady-in-waiting (MIW)! ;) It's a good thing too, because the midwife, Mary, was there this evening and explained how she is kind of taking a back seat at this point in order to allow her apprentice the experience she needs to work through her requirements. I feel and felt comfortable with both of them and I think I may have needed this initial rough start to develop a better bond and connection with my MIW. Done!

Ok so for changes a'brew. I got the promotion at work!! YAY! Dread!! More yay, and then some more dread. I am absolutely devastated and heartbroken to once again be torn away from my children. The promotion will put me back full time in the office. It will also put me in an assistant manager position and then I'll transition to a supervisor in August/September when I return from maternity leave. I was not really intending on heading back to my high school dreams of being an independent career woman, but God has given me this opportunity to provide for my family in a way that I honestly didn't think possible. He also gave me a whole year at home with my sweet babies where I got to enjoy them and love them and really bond with motherhood. I fell into it so quickly with both at once that I really feel like I needed this year. There was a time after Addie was born that I actually cried when Jason left me home alone with them. I felt helpless and almost afraid. I am fearless and confident now in my ability to do EVERYTHING! I remember the fear of not being able to keep house, have time with the kids, cook, grocery shop, and find time for myself when I went back to work after Addie. Turns out, I really couldn't do everything the way I wanted, but I've consistently lowered my expectations until the goals are more attainable! In this year I have also seen the downside to being a "work from home mom," and it isn't the same as a stay at home mom. You have all the jobs and expectations as a SAHM plus the expecations of completing your job. I have excelled more so on the job end, hence the promotion...some days I felt guilty that the kids weren't at daycare. Others I felt like they were the luckiest kids ever to have me for a mom.

I start on January 3rd, so I have set some very high goals for the next two weeks or so. I need to potty train Addie, teach her basic colors and how to count to five, and how to sing the ABCs. I need to teach Freddie all of his lower case letters, how to count to 20, and how to read. I also need to reorganize the linen closet, clean the entire house, finish Christmas shopping, paint Freddie's bedroom, bake cookies with the kids, turn 28, visit with my brother over Christmas, wean Addie from the pacifier, sew inumerable projects, knit inumerable projects, buy a wardrobe for work that will fit my ever expanding waistline, send Christmas cards, and plan Addie's birthday party and send invitations. I think all of that is possible, don't you? Who wants to come over and help?

12 Week Blues

2010-12-07T14:15:00.002-06:00

Well, I have been rescheduled again. This time it was just pushed up half an hour, but I don't know if we can make it since Jason has the car today. We're going to give it a shot though. I feel like a loser today. No second car, no insurance, blah blah blah. I've read that at 12 weeks your hormone levels during pregnancy are at their absolute highest. That's what we'll attribute my whining and complaining to, kay? I am very frustrated. Medicaid sent me a card and I was so excited, but it was just a "temporary" one that has since been cut off. Now they need all that information that I asked if I could bring on the front end...I filled out this application in October! So, here comes the part where they see exactly how I'm over the limit by like .02 cents a month or something ridiculous. I was hopeful and optimistic about being able to do all of this without medical insurance and I guess I still have a back up plan or two up my sleeve. There's still that government subsidized insurance for folks with pre-existing conditions. We can't afford it, but in a pinch I think we could squeeze it in during the last couple months of my pregnancy if something does go wrong.

At this point, I'm just second guessing my entire plan. I've had some friends encourage me and I'm trying to remain calm. It is proving very difficult though. No heartbeat, no ultrasound, and no real prenatal appointment yet due to out of town issues, rescheduling, and my midwife's apprentice apparently being incredibly over worked and under slept. I broke down and cried on my couch today while attempting to eat some chips and salsa. I had to stop every few bites to take a deep mouth breath because my cold is preventing any oxygen from entering via nostril. I am very busy with work and feel a lot of pressure and concern over a recent possible promotion that would put me back at work full time but with a significant pay increase. In general, I just want to quit everything. It is too stressful to juggle these many different roles, and I'd prefer to just pick two or three and call it a life, ya know?! Jason and I talked about this recently, about how I feel like a big ol' failure in some area of my life every day. Maybe I need to focus on what I succeeded at that day, even if it is just tiny. It likely will be! ;) So, pray with me for a heartbeat today and that I can make it to my appointment on time. Otherwise, she's leaving at 4:30 even if I'm not there yet. The apprentice hasn't slept since the night before last...I guess it's part of her stressful job! Wah wah wah I know, just a big baby I am only thinking of myself. Thanks readers for providing free therapy for me today! I'll let you know what happens next. I knew there would be at least some portions of this journey that weren't so pretty, here's one of them!

Poor Publicity

2010-12-01T22:12:00.002-06:00

Tonight was supposed to be my second appointment with my midwife at Birthworks. I have been very excited about this appointment, hoping very much to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. We got there about 15 minutes early, which is so out of the ordinary for us. Found out that my midwife was called out of town for an emergency family situation. Since I hadn't received a phone call to reschedule, we all assumed that her apprentice would be coming. We waited about 30 minutes or so and then someone decided to call her for us, no answer. They texted, no reply. So, we sat and chatted and thought about where to get some dinner. Then it got to be about 6:30 and the lady waiting in the office explained that she an another midwife were headed to a home visit in Cabot at 7:00 and she would have to lock up. I felt a bit silly, but I was close to tears over not getting to try for the heartbeat again. Thankfully, the woman was very kind and mentioned that the other midwife would be there soon and we could always ask her if she could take a listen for us. A few minutes later this lady calls and explains how her husband was running late and that she is running late and so on. Despite all this, she was perfectly willing to give it a try when she got there at 6:45 or so. We tried for almost 10 minutes and nothing. No little heartbeat thundering away. I am trying not to worry or be too sad. I know it is still early to hear it on the doppler and I know that I have quite a few extra layers to get through. Still, after the crazy awareness and hypervigilance over my pregnancy with Addie and watching her grow from a fetal pole and yolc sac to a bean, to a south park baby, to a miniature person, all the way to a big baby girl....this is unbearable!

I shouldn't say it is poor publicity, because the ladies that were there helped me so much and were so kind. It is also apparently extremely out of character for the apprentice gal to be late or unorganized in any way. I hope she's alright! I also hope that my midwife's family is okay, that our baby is okay, and that we can reschedule for next week and maybe try again. You can hope with me if you like. It is just such a reassuring sound for so many reasons, and a beautiful moment that I was so looking forward to sharing with Jason tonight. I got home, managed not to cry, put my sweet angel sugar babies to bed, made chocolate chip cookies, and after eating 4 of them with a big glass of milk that had little ice chips in it...and a little blogging, I'm ready for bed!

Surge and Outage

2010-11-30T11:07:00.003-06:00

This is my energy we're talking about. I had a huge surge of energy during our trip and right after we got home. I got everything unpacked, cleaned house, cooked a big meal, we put up the Christmas tree and decorated, and I felt good. Today I am absolutely exhausted like can't keep my eyes open or my head lifted kind of tired! I think it's because I stayed up too late after going to bed between 9-10 for almost a week. I'm glad I was productive during my energy surge and it came at the exact time I needed it. However, now Christmas is in full gear and I need my energy to craft, keep up the house, chase the kids, and work of course. Maybe I'll just get to bed at a decent hour and hope tomorrow will go better. Tomorrow evening I have my next midwife appointment and we are so hopeful to hear the heartbeat! Wish and hope with us because I'm starting to get suspicious that I'm just making it up anyway! ;)

Chicago!

2010-11-27T12:44:00.002-06:00

The Allen clan just returned from a trip to Chicago! It was about an 11-12 hour drive, a bit more with traffic and kiddos. My darling father-in-law rented us a nice Camry for the trip and funded quite a bit of it. He also decided that the kids needed entertainment, so he bought EACH of them a personal DVD player as an early Christmas gift. I doubt it will be factored in though when Christmas shopping! We went on a secret mission.

My baby brother graduated from Navy Boot Camp!! He's a sailor!

Yep, my sweet little brother somehow made it through boot camp. I cried listening to his stories and immediately wanted to beat some folks up for being mean to him. I also wanted to hug some folks for taking him under their wings, loving on him, encouraging him, and standing up for him. Sometimes I forget what "big sister" mode feels like because I'm usually very busy being in mom mode. I imagine it is similar, but the pride I feel in him is not really the right word. I'm not being prideful because it has nothing to do with me. Amazed, encouraged, hopeful, excited, fearful, disbelieving, surprised, shocked, okay those are all words I've felt watching him over the past few days. He looks so handsome in his uniform and so tall. When did he get that tall? I'll try and post pictures soon, but my jankity camera died not too long into the trip. The iphone picked up most of the highlights. This was a secret mission because he didn't want to tell folks in fear that he may not make it, that some cantankerous family members may not agree with his choices or even worse, try and do something to sabotage him. Yes, these are legitimate concerns in my family! Sad, but true.

Our children were blessed angel babies on the trip. The dvd players helped! Really though, they were so good. Addie usually does terribly in the car, but I think she cried for a total of 30 minutes during the entire round trip. I was really amazed and grateful. They were also so well behaved during the LONG graduation ceremony, out in public, at a fancy restaurant in downtown Chicago on Thanksgiving, at a busy continental breakfast, in the hotel room, at bedtime, the whole time! It was a serious blessing that I had prayed for, and now I feel so much more confident that we will be able to travel joyofully as a family together, even with three! So, hip hip hooray for my brother the Sailor, and hats off to my beautiful sweet babies who absolutely adore their Uncle Ben, and mad props to Daddy and me for being patient and kind with each other and our company despite over 24 hours in the car together in one week! Also, a huge thank you to those of you who ordered crafts, helped with my yard sale, prayed for us, encouraged me, and sent your well wishes, letters, and cards to my brother, just everything. All that saving went to our trip (not really Christmas...sorry I may have fibbed a little, but this was our Christmas present to each other). Off I go to save Freddie, he's having a meltdown in his room over something...oh he brought it to me. He's bawling because he can't close his tub of cars. NAP TIME!!

Parenting Hall of Fame

2010-11-18T07:13:00.004-06:00

Mom let Daddy get the kids ready while I packed lunches this morning. It is one of those few days a month where we both have to go in to work and the kiddos have to go to daycare.

Nothing seemed too out of the ordinary, despite me being aghast at their outfits/hair, etc. Addie is wearing a tan short sleeved shirt with hot pink flowers on it (a kind of older, more ratty hand me down type of thing), and a pair of blue jeans with red cherries embroidered on them with pink and white shoes. Her hair is not brushed and her face has crusty milk and boogers on it. I tried to wipe her clean, but my heels were not permitting the fight with her. Freddie is in desparate need of a haircut, so we don't bother trying to comb anymore, especially not freshly slept in hair. It's wild, curly, unruly, and full of cowlicks in every direction. Daddy put him in his only clean pair of jeans, black western style Wranglers. The only long sleeved shirt that wasn't navy blue (and therefore offensive to Jason's matching abilities with black jeans) was a 5T long sleeved thermal mulberry colored shirt with sewn in shoulder panels. It looks like a football jersey, almost. The shirt hangs off of him in every which way and goes almost to his knees. I don't think anybody got their teeth brushed this morning either...well child anyway.

I dropped them off, kissed their sweet faces, and left with my head down thinking about how cute they really are if given the time necessary to dress them appropriately. We stopped on the way out to sign them in and there it was. The 11x17 glossy flyer with the dates in bold white lettering. A sweet little girl in a bow and her best Christmas dress smiled up at us from the page. Suddenly, I gasped in horror. Jason was surely afraid of the worst. "It's PICTURE DAY!!!??? How could I forget?!!!!"

I guess I know that our parenting highlights are actually behind us. I remember picture day at their old daycare. We fussed over their hair, even used hairspray to keep it in place. We put them in perfect little outfits to match the season of their picture. In short, it was a production. I guess today was its own sort of production, but not the same type of grand finale!! Maybe I can snap a picture of them when I pick them up, just for a laugh!

Guilty Plea and Fried Squash

2010-11-16T21:01:00.003-06:00

Whew, that's over for now! We got to court and at the last minute the defendant decided to plead guilty. He pleaded guilty (um, yes Jason and I googled the past tense of plead!). There will be a sentencing hearing on January 5th. During that hearing, the judge, not a jury will decide his sentence. I have to share a victim statement with the court. The prosecution will be attempting a maximum sentence with prison time while the defense will be attempting to get the lightest sentence and maybe just time in county rather than prison. I think it will also be an emotional day, especially as I will be reading a prepared "victim statement" discussing how this event has impacted Freddie, our family, etc. As if any of that could be summed up into some kind of written statement. I'll give it a shot though. So, thank you for your prayers, and I'll be sure and ask again come January! The prosecution felt this was a very good thing, because they feared going to trial that he may only get a 2nd degree battery charge, but this ensures 1st degree domestic battery. I told them how strange it is to have something like this summed up by domestic battery. The words don't fit the crime at all.

So, to end my evening I went to the store with my kids who were tired and cranky from daycare all day. I had to fill a few WIC checks, I ain't scared to admit that we receive WIC benefits. However, my kids acted up so badly that I got those pity looks from everyone. Addie was the worst. It was like a different child! She pulled my hair in the parking lot and laughed about it. She screamed "potty, poop in it, potty!!!" She tried to escape the cart, jumped up and down, got out of the cart, ran down the front aisle, and garnered much attention from other shoppers. The cashier was very kind but of course there was a problem with my WIC check, I forgot a quart of milk and then they were arguing about some brand of whole wheat tortillas. It never fails. So, as I was dragging Addie and attempting to keep Freddie in his seat I felt a hand on my arm. The woman behind me in line grabbed by arm and leaned in very close to whisper. "If you need help with food, Zion Lutheran Church has a food pantry and I can give you the number. They are just wonderful and you could get some really good things especially for the kids." I was too dumbfounded to refuse and would have felt rude to have refused, so I stayed and let her dig for a card in her purse and write the number on it as the cashier commented on how Addie's terrible two's must have started early and how I had my hands full. I so badly wanted to say, "Oh, just wait about 7 1/2 more months!" Wouldn't they have died? :) I was so close to tears by the time I left that store, but a talk with my mom had me laughing about it pretty soon. Needless to say, I needed some comfort food when I got home. I made baked pork chops and homemade fried squash that was DELICIOUS!

Court Tomorrow

2010-11-15T20:18:00.004-06:00

It is finally happening. We are going to trial tomorrow for the prosecution of one Brandon B. for the abuse and battery against Freddie. I am pretty shocked that it's actually happening after all of the rescheduling and extensions. It is going to be okay no matter what happens. God has given me the peace I need to understand that our legal system is not going to make anything better. If I can just hold on to that understanding and peace, then I should be able to make it through without too much anger.

It is going to be a circus, a performance, a little song and dance, razzle dazzle for the benefit of the judge and jury. I would like to believe that the prosecution cares that "justice" be brought for the crime, but I am painfully aware that this is a two year old case that nobody in that office can attach themselves to and maintain sanity. This is also a happy ending, with a child who is alive, well, loved, adopted into a safe home, and thriving. The defense attorney probably does not think Brandon is innocent, and would be a complete sociopath if not given the title of defense attorney where it is their ethical duty to ensure everyone a fair trial regardless of their innocence or guilt. I know this is a cynical view, but we are expecting human beings to make rational decisions after seeing horrid pictures of Freddie's little body, hearing testimony from my emotionally vacant sister, weighing possibilities, feeling societal and racial guilt, and with full knowledge that they can not KNOW what happened or who did what. I wish I had the super power ability to read people's minds and memories and broadcast it so that the truth would be revealed clearly for everyone. Even those are tainted by now though, and I'm sure people are capable of convincing even themselves of complete alternate realities because the monstrous truth is too impossible to bear.

So, tomorrow pray for us, that small community of brothers and sisters in justice and peace. The witnesses, the lawyers, the jury, the judge, the court reporter, the press, the observers, the bailifs, and the defendant that we can judge with rational minds, speak honestly, discern the truth, rise to the occasion, trust each other, and maintain dignity and respect for the very things that make us human. Love and thanks to all of you who have prayed for our family and all who will.

A Few Pictures

2010-11-14T20:28:00.003-06:00

The most handsome little boy this side of the Mississippi.

The absolute silliest little sugar dumplin.

"Siddy (silly) Mama," says my Addie Belle.

The loves of my life, can you see Jesus in there too? He's there!

What I'm Reading

2010-11-12T09:18:00.004-06:00

The midwife clinic I've chosen teaches a birth class based on principles taught in this book. Birthing from Within by Pam England. I immediately wondered what this book was about, especially compared to the popular Bradley Method which is "Husband-Coached Childbirth." I checked it out at my local library and I've been flying through it. Let me share for a bit on what I'm learning.

First of all, I will offer a disclaimer. There was a time in my life when I thought natural childbirth and home birth was absolutely ridiculous. I was of the impression that if drugs are available, USE THEM! I thought home birth was only for backwoods hillbillies and dirty hippies. I hate to be so blunt, but those were completely my thoughts. You remember when I posted about how I've had to eat a lot of crow because I spent so much of my youth developing opinions on things that I had no interest or investment in. Well, childbirth was one of them! My heart has changed so much, even in wanting to have kids. As a teenager, I never really wanted to get married or have kids. My MOPS group is doing a great study and one of the questions they asked was, "What was one of your 'I'll nevers' before you had kids?" All these women said things like co-sleeping, spanking, saying "because I said so," and so on. When they got to me, I said, "I was NEVER going to have kids!" We all got a great laugh out of it. The point is that God has worked in me a new heart with new desires that honestly I'm still getting used to. So, during my pregnancy with Addie I thought about what I wanted her birth to be like. I educated myself and I talked to friends. Manda G. Money

Why....grr I get mad at blogger. Anyway, Amanda was a big proponent of natural childbirth and really got me excited about that possibility. Honestly I was afraid of an epidural, episiotomy, and a c-section more than I was empowered about giving childbirth without drugs. You can read about that whole experience on my old xanga blog Part 1, Part 2, & Part 3

Hopefully those links will work. Alright, on to the book. It is totally hippiefied but I love it. The first several chapters are devoted to describing birth art and how it can reveal your assumptions, fears, and hopes for childbirth. I even tried my hand at drawing a "Journey through Childbirth" picture. I was pretty amazed at all the symbolism that came out in my drawing. Pam wrote this book with her husband, who is a psychologist. She is very merciful to all women, even those who do want to use drugs, have a hospital birth, don't want to breastfeed, whichever. She advocates natural childbirth and breastfeeding and care from a doula and/or midwife in whichever setting you give birth. Her book really promotes respect though, for a mother's journey and her power. She explores birth in other cultures and some of the stories are amazing. She also discusses our culture's assumptions about childbirth and pain, and how the woman's body is completely equipped for childbirth. There are several chapters on the husband's role during childbirth and I just love it. Her methods promote the husband as a partner, an encourager, and a father rather than a coach or a guide through childbirth. She brings up the great point that no matter how much we love our husbands, that they are not women and in many cases we are going to be less receptive to their coaching for that very reason...they have never experienced childbirth and have no frame of reference for our pain or the changes going on in our bodies. It was definitely not a negative assumption, just kind of true for me at least. She also describes the dad as needing to be cared for during labor as well, that he needs guidance, reassurance, and time to take rests and breaks as well from the exhausting event of labor. Right now I am reading the last few chapters on pain management techniques. I'm trying very hard not to be skeptical and just open my mind to these options. I love that she talks about Laborland or this place that your mind-body goes during labor that is almost disconnected from the environment you are in and totally focused/concentrated on your body and labor. She uses holding ice cubes for one minute and practicing the pain management techniques to "simulate" a one minute contraction (um, she totally admits that nothing can prepare you or actually simulate labor pain!). Jason and I tried the first one together last night and I feel pretty good about it. So far, what I've figured is that labor actually takes extreme concentration. I always thought that you may need to just "check out" and try to float out of the pain or something. According to Pam's research and experience though, women have to be completely connected with the pain in order to listen to their primitive brain and respond to the body's cues during labor. It's all very new and exciting, and slightly scary.

Okay, that's my incredibly long post for today! I'd like to encourage everyone to set out today to challenge your opinion on something. Think of an issue or idea that you have a very strong opinion on. Examine it. Does this issue concern you at this point in your life? When did you develop this opinion? Are you different, or have you had new experiences since then? What information did you use to develop the opinion? Is there new information? Does your heart feel peaceful about this or strained? What can you do to make your heart more peaceful? I think it's kind of amazing when God helps me examine these things, because sometimes I'm left even more turned around because I don't get an answer right away. It seems like my sweet Jesus really enjoys those times when I am actually open to listen rather than trapped in my own sea of opinion and self-righteousness. They are rather uncomfortable for me, but I always come out on the brighter side of things.

7 Years ago!

2010-11-08T17:57:00.002-06:00

Yep, 7 years ago I was really hungry about this time. We had such a long day and a whirlwind of loved ones, friends and family. It was a beautiful day, our wedding day! It is so very hard to believe everything that we've done together and been through together. I know that seven years is nothing much compared to those lovely couples that are going on 25, 30, even 50! We'll get there I know, but for now I am in awe of how the love of two people can grow into so much more. We were just two young college kids getting married way too young, and somehow God has created a beautiful family full of people who love Him! I'm very grateful for my friend, my partner, my husband who is so merciful every day to love me just as I am. Happy Anniversary to us!

Little Patience and Poor Humor

2010-11-02T14:17:00.002-05:00

These are my most prominent symptoms so far. I don't think my 4 year old's shenanigans are funny and I can not imagine having the patience necessary to try potty training again. Barney is stupid and annoying but so vital to my sanity at the same time! I just really wish I was nicer and had more energy. When I get finished with work in the afternoon I just want to nap with the kids despite the full sink, dirty toilets, mess of a room that I still haven't put back together since the redo, and multitude of other things. It may not be so bad if Jason wasn't also tired after a long day of work and to his wit's end with my lack of housework. I guess he just doesn't understand that facebook and blogger don't take nearly as much energy as loading the dishwasher. Ya know? ;)

In fact, I am trying to find a way to nap right now but the kids are off schedule today and may not get an afternoon nap....which means none for me either! Let's hope together that Addie doesn't pee on the couch and my husband will come home with a more merciful heart this afternoon. Oh, I guess I could pray for speedy recovery from this stage of tiredness but really I'd rather just have the opportunities to nap!

More on Adventure Baby

2010-10-31T23:29:00.002-05:00

So, I did all the things on the list I posted. I met with a second mid-wife after Deb Philips. Deb was very very nice. I need to email her and tell her so. She is so experienced and very confident in women. She was very interested in my story and was incredibly encouraging. I really liked her. There was just something missing. I don't know, it was like I just didn't feel as warm and cuddly inside as I wanted to. It doesn't make much sense, but I figured I would just meet with the lady from Birth Works and see how it would go.

So, I met with Mary Alexander at BirthWorks here in Little Rock. She was very sweet, also encouraging, confident, and experienced. Mary was also rather cautious, especially related to my previous gestational diabetes. Mary was incredibly sweet to my kids, who spent a large part of their time rummaging through her toys in the office then running through the halls and closing doors that are probably older than Jason and me put together. The office is in a really cute older home off of Markham. Mary was a good blend of nurturing and professional, coddling, and realistic. It felt right. In short, we've chosen Mary as our midwife! I have my first official appointment with her next Wednesday. Here are the coolest parts. It costs $2600 total for prenatal care and the home birth. There are extra costs for supplies, $70-80 for a list of items needed and then $150 for renting the birthing pool. I mean, that's about what we paid in copays and deductibles when we had full insurance with Addie anyway! It also includes an 8 week long natural childbirth class given by Birth Works and in a group of other couples/women who are having home births. What an awesome resource, huh? I'll talk more about what I've learned regarding midwives here in Arkansas. Just wanted to give you a quick update!

Symptoms: Tired, nauseous without puke (I just be sure and eat as soon as I feel it coming on and I'm okay), and really that is it. Oh, I have had some rather irritable bowels, but it could just be anxiety!

Yellow

2010-10-28T09:39:00.003-05:00

I know it isn't polite to just assume that your children are adorable, but sometimes it is just so plain to see! I FINALLY have my camera working. Thank you to anyone who threw a shout out up there for me. I have taken lots of pictures in the few minutes the camera works, and I was able to get them all uploaded last night. I found my extra battery and it seems to be holding a charge a lot better. So, here is a little peek. I put the rest on my facebook. These were taken at my friend Rebekah's little girl's birthday party in June. It was so much fun and this sweet series of pictures are making me think that they will be some of my very favorites when Addie Belle is grown. Here it is....

Yellow Day

Toddler Tip-Yogurt & Cereal Mix Up

2010-10-27T09:08:00.004-05:00

Thought I'd share another tip today. You know how toddlers are incredibly messy and they have kinda awful dexterity especially when it comes to using spoons? ;) Well, Addie is no exception. There are many things she loves to eat but when it comes to breakfast she really likes yogurt and cereal of all sorts. Yogurt is often very hard for her to keep on the spoon and cereal is a pain because she spills the bowl and it falls everywhere for the dog to eat.

Solution: Mix the yogurt and the cereal! She gets extra calcium and nutritional value from the yogurt and it becomes so much easier for her to get onto the spoon. The cereal doesn't fall on the floor and the yogurt doesn't drip off the spoon. It's perfect! She loves it and eats every bite. Her face and hands are still messy, but the alternatives are much worse.

Also, I buy very few brand name food items but I do purchase Dan-o-nino yogurt by Dannon. It comes in mom and kid friendly small servings, is sweetened with real sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup, is full fat for growing toddlers and my 4 year old's visible rib cage hip bones ;), has lots of yummy flavors, and it is super thick so it is perfect for the kiddos to eat without the drippy issue. It usually costs around $2 for the six pack but I often find coupons for .50 to 1.00 off and you can usually find them included in sales at Kroger. These are awesome for lunch bags too!

Eat on the Cheap

2010-10-26T17:20:00.004-05:00

Eating is expensive. It just is whether you are grocery shopping, stopping for fast food, or out on the town. Food has become a luxury item, an entertainment item, a service industry rather than a basic human necessity. Since people enjoy it so much and use meals as a way to fellowship with others and for a break from the kitchen, our beautiful capitalist country has taken the opportunity to jack up the prices.

I am challenged with the issue of trying to feed the family very cheaply (under $70 a week for everything including diapers, household items, dog & cat food, etc.) and incorporate low carb meals for myself and Jason. He is doing sooo well losing weight. He's lost probably over 30lbs now and I don't want my pregnancy and change in eating habits to sabotage his progress. I am also eating lower carb and following the same diet I did during the last months of my pregnancy when I tested positive for gestational diabetes. This also requires low carb, high protein, high fiber, and low fat. AAAhh! So, I'm going to try and share some recipes and ideas to help folks who may be in a similar predicament.

Tonight's Meal- Red Beans & Rice (Rice Optional)

Ingredients
1lb red beans (or light kidney beans...different stores call them varying things)
1/2 lb smoked turkey sausage cut into 1/4" slices (I only have to use half the package so I can get two meals out of a $2 package of meat!)
1 tsp onion powder
3 tsp Tony Cachere's Cajun Seasoning
1/2 tsp black pepper
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp ground thyme
1 bay leaf
1/2 tsp ground red pepper
1 cup brown rice
Louisiana Sauce as needed

Wash your beans and check for rocks. I know this seems silly, but I find at least one tiny rock half the time. It would not be fun to bite into that and the kiddos could totally choke or break a tooth, so I'm super paranoid about it now.

Place beans in a crockpot and top with all seasonings
Put in 10 pieces or so of your smoked turkey sausage
Top with 5 cups of water and stir well

Cook on low for 6-7 hours then add the rest of the sausage about an hour before serving. (This is to keep your sausage from getting cooked down and having very little flavor)
Add salt and Louisiana Hot Sauce to taste. * I take out a few servings for the kids then kick the pot up with some more red pepper and a few shots of Louisiana! If you LOVE Popeye's style Red Beans and Rice I have another tip. Take a potato masher and mush up your beans to your desire consistency. This thickens your beans and creates a smoother creamy texture much like my beloved Popeye's!

Cook rice according to directions.

Nutritional Information

1 cup of Red Beans
Net Carbs (Carbs minus Fiber *note* you can safely subtract Fiber as long as there are over 3 grams in a serving) - 34 grams
Fiber - 10 grams
Calories - 190
Fat - 5.5 grams
Protein- 16 grams

1/4 cup of brown rice
Carbs - 11 grams
Fiber - 1 gram
Calories - 54
Fat - 0 grams
Protein - 1 gram

I separated these because Jason won't eat the rice and I can have 1/4 cup and stay under my 45 carb allotment for dinner. The kids can have more rice if they want. This is a meal that can be altered for everyone's dietary needs.

Best Part - Total cost (not including spices) Estimated $2.69
Beans - 1.19
Turkey Sausage (only used half) - 2.00/2 = 1.00
Rice (only used 1/4 of the box)- 2.00/4 = .50

Hope you enjoy! It's tasty, a great fall meal, cheap, and meets everyone's nutritional needs, AND it's a crockpot meal so it takes no time to prep!

A New Adventure for the Allens

2010-10-22T17:48:00.003-05:00

Having children may seem like old hat to some, especially those on their third child. Not us! We are pregnant! Second pregnancy, third child. We are pregnant and excited, anxious, grateful, surprised, a bit terrified, amazed at God's grace and provision, and happy. These emotions all depend on the time of day or way of the wind! So, my blog may be taken over for awhile with this new adventure of ours. Jason and I will look over at the kids sometimes and just turn back to one another and both of us are thinking, "Three, what ever will we do with three?! We'll be outnumbered!" :)

This adventure will show you how a middle class family manages to survive a second pregnancy, third child with no health insurance and little to no extra income. It will be a struggle but a beautiful story of God's faithfulness. It will be beautiful and I'm very excited to share it with you all.

Step 1) Praise the Lord!
Step 2) Immediately began taking my prenatal vitamins and tracking my calories and nutritional info on www.babyfit.com which is a free website by the same folks that brought us Sparkpeople! It is great.
Step 3) Started a yoga mama video to complete 3 times a week for flexibility, strength, and some peace!
Step 4 ) Applied for Medicaid after doing a pregnancy verification test at the Health Department
Step 5) Called my previous OB's office, hospital, and inquired about self-pay and sliding scale rates. Between the doctor's prenatal care and labor/delivery in the hospital this is running at about $10000.
Step 6) Looked into government options such as a new insurance programs specifically for people with pre-existing conditions. This is about $300 a month and has a similar deductible to most private insurance plans.
Step 7) Called a friend for advice on local midwives and set up consultation. This option allows for a homebirth with prenatal care through a midwife. Blood work, initial pap, and even necessary ultrasounds can completed through the Health Department for $5 per visit. The midwife charges between $2500-$3000 TOTAL. I met with Deb Phillips and she is awesome! I have an appointment next week with Mary Alexander from Birthworks.
Step 8) Tell friends and family, share the joy, and pray with a faithful heart that my God who loves me will provide for us and this miracle of life growing inside.
Step 9) BLOG! ;)

Dry Spell

2010-10-16T21:33:00.002-05:00

It will continue! The hat did not fit btw, sad. I accomplished some of my goals but not all last week. The yard sale was kind of a bust. More crafts have been possibly sold and I've got lots of plans for Christmas presents. I don't think I have as much time as I have plans though. ;) I need to get super organized but that likely won't happen so I think maybe I just need to get less ambitious! Too sleepy to post much more but I wanted to let folks know that I haven't disappeared. If you think of it, say a little prayer for a silly thing. I really need a new camera. My battery died again and won't hold a charge. I have taken a few pictures in the 10 seconds I get the camera to work and then it dies again. I just really don't want to have months missing out of our family pictures for the SECOND time because of this camera problem. I know it is a bit trivial, but it's just a small thing that has upset me so much over the past several months as my babies are growing and doing such fun things. Next up, Halloween, and we so need pictures! Do you know I haven't even gotten one picture of Freddie in his soccer uniform and he only has two more games? Pure crazy I say!

Dreams of Today

2010-10-05T11:20:00.002-05:00

So, I am a few things down from yesterday. Here's what I still need to do:

1) Complete a letter and math lesson with Freddie
2) Read 2 chapters from my women's group book
3) Cut fabric for Christmas banner and trace scallops

Here's what I finished last night...THE HAT!!! It's precious and I so hope it fits the birthday boy!

Today's List
1) Complete Work work
2) Clean entire house including sweeping, mopping, dusting, taking out garbage, vacuuming, scrubbing the guest bathroom, and clearing hallway of all yard sale clutter
3) Possibly meet with my master's project committee (trying to organize three people to an afternoon meeting at the LAST minute!)
4) Cut freezer paper and print Merry Christmas font, cut out stencils, and iron to scallops, paint letters and lay out to dry
5) Read 2 more chapters from my women's group book

I can do this, but I can't keep having leftovers from the previous day. Wish me luck. I'm almost done with Work work, so that's one thing down!

Time Management....I don't has it

2010-10-04T15:27:00.003-05:00

Nope, I'm completely overloaded with things to do this week and what am I doing...blogging!! I have created a six page schedule/list with each day of the week and a rough schedule and goals for the day. Today's is already completely behind as I've completed nothing on the list. I seriously hope that tomorrow's plans go better and that in the next hour I can accomplish something.

Immediate Goal #1- Do the dishes, wipe down counters, sweep kitchen, clear clutter and wipe down the dining room table. DONE!!

Immediate Goal #2 - Make grocery list...didn't happen until I got to the store!

Immediate Goal #4 - Cut fabric squares for my Christmas banner and trace the scallop I've drawn -Fail

MUST DOs: DONED
Go grocery shopping with Addie while Jason takes Freddie to soccer practice.
Come home and cook dinner and clean up afterwards -Jason did it, cooked and cleaned and put away groceries. He's my hero!!

Evening Goal #1- Complete one letter lesson and one math lesson with Freddie. -Fail!

Evening Goal #2 DONE- Complete Interview Questions and Survey Questions for my master's project for approval by the Institutional Review Board which meets on THURSDAY morning! AAAAHH!

Evening Goal #3- Read 2 chapters of my women's group book before bed...it's 11:19pm so we'll see about that!

Evening Wish- Complete the hat I'm knitting for Andrea's little boy. His first birthday is in two weeks and I can't believe it!

I'll come back later and see what's been accomplished! Oh, and pat on the back to me that I did do something productive today (besides Work of course...I'll use a capital "W" to indicate the kind of work that I get paid money for!). I cleaned out a basket that's been sitting in the garage for months. This basket is now home to all of my yarn, knitting needles, accessories, in progress projects, and it looks like some sweet, organized woman with a knack of tidiness and a taste for chamomile lives here....as a very uncomfortable guest!

Rescheduled Again-Legally Dumb!

2010-09-30T11:21:00.002-05:00

Yep, the trial has been rescheduled again. How silly is that? November 16th is the new date, just in time for Thanksgiving!

Goings on round here: Kids are big, Freddie is a nutty soccer player who appears to come down with a severe case of ADHD on the soccer field! Adeline is obsessed with her new baby doll that Daddy bought her. Obsessed to the point of fit throwing and worrying herself to death over its well being. Can you say, "overdeveloped toddler maternal instincts!"

So far, I've had no hits on my banners. I've sold a couple of my bows, well four to be exact. I used that money to pay a portion of my MOPS dues. I joined a women's group at a local church where I took the kids to a summer play group and I really like it. We're reading a book called Momology and I think it's just good food for my mom soul. Then I have a Bible/Book Study every other Wednesday night with ladies from our church that is a Manda soul feeder and just a great opportunity to be involved and get to know my church sisters better. I also joined the Women's Club of Otter Creek which meets once a month and hosts several community events. It's definitely not my normal cup of tea, but I'm trying to branch out and just be me even in a forum that doesn't always fit my style. I'm not a type A person, and despite my cheery demeanor (usually...), I'm also not an extrovert. Those personality tests always depend on my mood and I'm usually right in between one or the other. I just don't fit, so my decision is that since I don't fit anywhere, I can fit everywhere!! ;) I think its important for women to be exposed to lots of different types of personalities. I've know the Type A'ers my whole life and even chose a major in college filled with that type and often disappeared behind them until it came test or paper time. Then...I'm totally type A, like the type that better make an A! People who think they have it all under control need a reality check just as much as people who feel completely overwhelmed all the time. Nobody is perfect and talents are just as valuable whether they come for overbearing Olivia or meek Melissa!

What do you think? Isn't there room for a more reserved, shy, worker bee, with a surprise in every group? I've met a lot of women in the past year that surprise me constantly. I met someone who seems kind of, what's the word...mousey? Yes, that's it. Then, she opens her mouth and speaks brilliance and exudes confidence. I met one of those beautiful gals, super fashionable, high heels, perfect hair and nails, and then she's the most demure, sweet, and mild mannered person that often shrinks into the background to let someone else shine. I wonder how people categorize me, do you wonder that? We're reading The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg in our book study and I really love it so far. I would totally suggest it to anyone, especially those who feel like I do. I often feel that I don't fit and I struggle to be different/better than I am, but Ortberg argues that God created our personalities and gifts to be used in a perfect way. God wants us to be the "best version of ourselves" not of someone else! God needs shy people and followers as much as he loved leaders. God will not scorn us for failing to be meek if we are natural leaders. I just love the truth of it and the edification of the body of Christ instead of this often constant message that we aren't good enough, we should do more, tithe more, read more, give more, volunteer more, witness more, on and on. Be you, and be the absolute best You that God intended and created You for. Lovely, I say, lovely!

Glad

2010-09-21T12:18:00.004-05:00

I'm glad that Freddie is finally learning and understanding his letters and sounds. I'm glad that he is comprehending that numbers equal amounts of things and that he is on the verge of being able to count to 10 without forgetting 7! This is amazing progress because six months ago he only knew 4 or 5 letters and maybe one sound that was just memory rather than actually understanding how letters and sounds work. Oh that was a hard one. He could not consistently count to 5 and was so easily frustrated. Now he can happily sit down for lesson time and is proud of himself when he gets it right. Freddie is even able to recognize some words now, thank you Dr. Seuss!

Our biggest struggle is definitely going to be handwriting. We are working from a book by Kumon that seems pretty similar to the Handwriting Without Tears program. It starts with horizontal and vertical lines, then diagonal, then curves and circles. Instead of working on the letters in order, it categorizes them by the types of lines and the difficulty. The problem here though is that Freddie is left handed and I'm not. Thankfully, my mother-in-law is left handed and can give me some tricks on helping him.

The book itself though is written for a right handed person, and I am not of the mindset that left handed folks should learn to write just like everyone else. I mean, if its true that his preferred writing hand is actually linked to the areas of his brain that he's tapped into, why would I want to fight it? So, when the book says to draw an "A" by starting at #1 (located at the top point) and go to the stop sign (located at the end of the first leg) by moving your hand from the top of the A to the bottom...Freddie would naturally want to move his hand from the bottom of the second leg, move to the top, then down to create the first leg, then from right to left to cross them. Unfortunately, he also wants to follow the book but he physically has such a hard time and it is far from smooth. I know it's a process, but maybe there are left handed handwriting books out there somewhere. Maybe he'll embrace his different style and stop insisting on following the numbers! I'm still glad though, glad that he is sweet, glad that he told me today while trying to draw a circle, "I think I'm having some trouble here." I'm glad that he loves Toy Story and has agreed excitedly to let me make his and Addie's Halloween costumes so they can be Woody and Jessie, and glad that he is wearing a pirate hat right now. I'm glad that Addie insists every color is pink and does everything her big brother teaches her. I'm just glad, pleased, grateful, and oh just wait for it....content! Thank you, Jesus, and help me continue in contentment today and tomorrow!

Upapound

2010-09-17T09:30:00.002-05:00

Yup, up a pound since two weeks ago when I weighed last. That was not how it was supposed to go. However, I can not be too discouraged because we had a crazy haywire nutty cheat weekend over labor day. It was Jason's birthday and many others including 3 cakes that I baked for special folks. Let me give you a rundown of our weekend/week in food.

Saturday Night: Benihana Date Night Sushi and Double order of Hibachi Fried Rice ($30 gift certificate for the birthday boy!)

Sunday Night: Amanda's Infamous Spaghetti with Italian Sausage and Garlic Bread

Monday
Breakfast at IHOP-Chicken Fried Steak & 1 Pancake
Lunch: Cookout at Nana's, homemade mac n' cheese, hamburgers, new potatoes with butter, honeybun cake
Dinner: Marketplace, sweet potato fries drenched in brown sugar and butter, creamed spinach, fried shrimp, crab cake, chocolate mess --DEATHH!!!
Party: Homemade Dark Chocolate Hershey's Cake with Butter Roux Icing (you may remember this as the BittyBetty HoHo Cake)

Tuesday: Hummus with whole grain pita chips...and seriously I think that's all I ate all day!

Wednesday: Strict Diet

Thursday: Homemade Dark Chocolate Hershey's Cake with ButterCream Icing (Rachel's Birthday) This one turned out soooo delicious!

Friday: Sushi dinner with friends of Rachel- bday dinner

Saturday:
Lunch: German chocolate cake with sweetened condensed milk poured in while hot topped with coconut pecan icing (Sister's Bday Cake!)

Dinner- Kristina's Bday dinner delicioso- Ciao Baci deliciousness with a Pomegranate Martini (we were too toasted after the first one to order more!), Baci Schnitzel, and handmade gnocchi in a cream sauce, all of this preceded by baked bries in puff pastries stuffed with walnuts, apples, figs, and caramelized onions

Then I managed to stay clean from last Sunday to now...but I say that if I only gained one pound from all that, it's kind of a miracle!! ;) I am not eating another ounce of sugar or processed, bleached flour product until Halloween! I was honestly sick after Jason's birthday extravaganza and thought about how those things were just a normal part of life before I made my declaration of independence from fatness. Gross, but I would eat Ciao Baci all the time if I had the money and be fat and happy!

Retribution

2010-09-15T10:16:00.003-05:00

Oooh that sounds ominous, huh? :) I felt compelled to blog about a recent discussion that God and I had while I was in the shower. It is sometimes the only quiet part of my week (I say this because I only get to shower about 3-4 times a week!). So, I really think God uses it to find me calm and peaceful so that He can be heard.

We are set to go to trial AGAIN on the 30th of this month. I don't know if it will happen or what will be the final outcome. If you remember my last post about this, I was angry and hurt because I felt like nobody was going to pay or have any consequence for what happened to sweet Freddie. This idea came to my head again as I was scrubbing out the oil with some delicious Aveda Shampure. Then it was like God just obliterated me and my petty thoughts. He said to me, "This has already been paid for, in full. Jesus already paid and suffered the consequences for what happened to Freddie." WHAT??!!! Say, huh? Jesus became sin on the cross and he paid for my sins and the sins of the world so that we could be clean and holy and enter the kingdom of heaven. I know this, but surely not this? Surely He missed one?

NO!! Jesus became EVERY single sin that was ever or will ever be committed against anyone. It is still painful for me to think of, but I need no retribution. There will be no earthly justice good enough to please God. My Father has forgiven me and His grace can cover even this with the blood of Jesus. My prayers should be focused that the person who almost killed Freddie would repent, acknowledge the sin, accept Christ, and enter into the Kingdom of Heaven, that Christ's payment and death for our sin would not be in vain.

I will always be mindful of this, especially as I enter the courtroom. What beautiful peace God was able to bring me, and devastation again realizing the weight of what Jesus carried for us. As he died on the cross, he became those actions, those mighty blows against my son, He became the impact that separated Freddie's gallbladder and the blood that seeped into his body, Jesus became the bruises, the belt, the extension cords, the hand and arm holding the weapons of pain against Freddie's tiny two year old body. He became the anger, ignorance, and rage that it took to carry these things out. Jesus became those things while enduring His own agony and He did not break, because my Jesus knew His sacrifice would cover even this and we would know our God. I would be Freddie's mom and we would protect him. I can not ask for anymore retribution than that, there is no other penance or payment that would so entirely compensate. Thank you, Lord.

More Crafts for Sale

2010-09-13T18:43:00.004-05:00

$12 for knitted cap

$8 for Knitted Bow Headbands, $5 for babies and kids.

Ask me about colors and yarn options!

EMAIL TO ORDER: amandaarallen@gmail.com

Levity

2010-09-10T10:04:00.003-05:00

This blog needs some of that levity business. It's a horrible movie though, don't put it in your Netflix queue. Right now is a beautiful moment in my week because both of my children are happily playing in Addie's room. They are together, but not fighting. They are not crying or complaining, in fact, they are both sitting in a pile of books "reading." Neither of them has needed me for at least 10 minutes despite the fact that I walked by the doorway to check on their silent selves. Every now and then Addie will come into the hall and blow me a kiss.

So far, this has not happened at all this week or in a few. When Jason is home, they often entertain themselves, especially when it is just him. Not with me though, I'm wayyy too popular among the tots. It has been a little rough lately with the sibling rivalry and a very clingy 20 month old. I am very much enjoying this few minutes and I'm looking forward to some quality time with them today. I've promised myself after this rough week that I will not say anything negative about them or to them today (besides "No" anyway!). As much as I joke about them being "rotten," "wild," "crazy," "hooligans," "driving me crazayyy," la la la etc. I really don't want them to ever think that about themselves. They are getting older, especially my Fredster and he can hear and understand these words. So, here's to creating a positive self-image for my children and a happy, content, mom full of praise for her babies. Thank you, Lord, for my children. Help me be a better steward of my time, my wisdom, and my opportunities to shape their lives and identities towards you!

Well, Addie has brought me a baby doll wrapped up in a blanket....and I see a brown streak of leaky poo on her pants, so it's time to go!

Pray with me

2010-09-07T13:52:00.002-05:00

Please pray with me for this sweet baby girl. She was born on September 4th, to my dad and his new 30 year old wife (oh and yes...this 30 year old wife is Russian, but I am pretty sure he didn't buy her off the internet or anything, so no fears there). I am honestly heart broken for this precious miracle of life. I do not even know what to pray for. Mostly, I hope that my dad has changed somehow, that through the loss of his relationship with his daughter and grandson (me and Freddie) that he has realized that his behavior, abuse, and alcoholism is not going to cut it. I hope that he is loving to this child and his new wife. It doesn't seem so, based on what I've heard from his contact with my sister. I can still hope though.

I want to pray that this woman realizes the monster that my dad really is and leaves him as soon as possible and seeks refuge with her own family. I want to pray that this little girl never even knows my dad so that he can not emotionally or physically hurt her the way he has EVERYONE in my family. I just can not believe in all the world that my loving God would allow this man to reproduce, again. I know He did though, and there must be a reason. Please pray with me that God protect this baby and her mother. She is an innocent, beautiful gift, and she does not deserve the life my siblings and I had. I wish so badly that I could hold her and protect her. She is not one ounce of my blood (this being my "ex" step-dad and all), but that instinct to shield her and protect her as I do my own brother and sister is still there. I am in tears right now thinking of how I will never know her and she may never have the support of her brother and sisters to help her through the pain she will so likely endure from that man. Part of me has a terrible guilt, that if I had only done enough, pressed charges against him, ruined his life, put him in jail, anything, that he may not have been able to hurt anyone again. I never seem to be strong enough, always doling out mercy and subscribing to this unabashed hope that he'd just be my dad again somehow. How broken I am, my Father, still not content with my Heavenly dad, wishing and crying over the loss of my earthly one. Please just pray, whatever God speaks to your heart, whatever you feel is right. I know there is power in prayer, no matter hopeless I feel. Pray for sweet Natasha.

Hey you, the five of you who read my blog..yea, you guys!

2010-09-06T00:04:00.002-05:00

Okay, so only one response on my banners. I know folks have had time to look. So, feedback, too expensive, not interested, need better pictures, could make it yourself? Tell me! Let friends know too if you want. See, this is why I haven't bothered in the past, the disappointment isn't really any fun. It's more fun to just make something for someone and give it to them as a gift. SO, idea, I'll make it for you to give to someone else as a gift! Problem solved!

Anyway, tomorrow is Jason's 29th birthday! He lucks out and gets a birthday on Labor Day this year. I tried a new cake recipe. Hershey's Deep Dark Chocolate Cake. It's supposed to be a breeze to make. Not so much for the baking challenged. It calls for 1/2 cup boiling water & 1/2 cup brewed coffee (well, folks suggest using half water/half coffee anyway). Here's what I did wrong, I added the boiling ingredients before I mixed the eggs and milk in with the dry stuff for two minutes instead of after. Then, I wasn't able to immediately transfer the mix to the baking pans because I had to give some grimey children a nice bubble bath before bed. So, when I finally got around to baking them, I guess the magic had worn off. The cakes taste alright, but ended up being more like bland brownies. I made a new type of frosting called Butter Roux which has a light fluffy texture, but it isn't as good as buttercream by any means. Over all, I'm sad with the turnout. I feel like I made a big HoHo Cake. Hopefully, Jason will once again eat my creation with a big smile and pretend it's delicious no matter what! If I make Butter Roux again I'm using vanilla instead of almond extract, it keeps reminding me of those HUGE salon/economy size things of Almond Shampoo that my mom used to have when she worked as a hairdresser. Who wants to eat shampoo? Here's to hoping that the rest of his birthday todos will turn out better! You know, sometimes it makes me sad that I probably won't get a home baked cake for my birthday again any time soon (I refuse to bake my own birthday cake, it's not right), but poor Jason might prefer a delicious creation from Mickey's Bakery over this BittyBetty (instead of LittleDebbie) snack cake I made!

Crafts for Sale!

2010-09-03T00:54:00.005-05:00

I've decided to see if friends and family would be interested in buying some of my crafts. It always seems so crazy to me that anyone would want to buy things I sewed in my bedroom. Then tons of folks suggest it and I have finally decided to just go for it. I'd like to start putting some extra money back for the Holidays. Not necessarily for gifts, but for the extra groceries, goodies, decorating, baking, and outings like the Pumpkin Patch, The Christmas Tree Farm, hayrides, homemade fudge, cookies, stockings, oh the wonderful things that are headed our way soooo soon!

There are lots of things that I've made, but my banners have been the most popular. Here are a few that I've made so far.

Here's Addie's. It's kind of shabby chic, lots of girly colors but with flowers, gingham, and vine prints. There are several font options too.

This one I made for a friend's daughter and it is my favorite so far! I used more of a typewriter font and created a really clean stencil. This is more of a girly mod with lots of pink and brown. The middle space has a handpainted butterfly with the little girl's initial painted onto a wing.

This is my sweet Freddie's banner. It is adorable, lots of primary colors, some paw prints, and don't forget those Hogs!

So, for the details. I can do birthday banners and even personalized ones with names, just name banners for a child's room or even a dorm room! I'm also going to make some holiday banners. If you'd like a cooky one for Halloween or a Merry Christmas banner, I can do it. I may even try a "Welcome" banner in the front hallway! The banners are made from cotton fabric, each scallop is backed with a solid coordinating color, and the hangers are created using cotton binding tape. The loops are about 4 inches long making it easy to hang anywhere! The best part about these banners is that they will last and can be passed down to use every year. It's a very special, personal gift to give or decoration for your own home. I have loved making them. I got the idea from a book that I love but have created my own process and special touches to make them unique.

Banner: $30
Add a Name: $5

Just email, facebook, or comment here if you want one.
We can discuss the colors/theme/event, etc. I think these can fit just about anyone's needs! Thanks everyone, send your friends a link to the blog and I'll try and post more pictures as I get another one finished.

Fat Stats

2010-08-28T01:55:00.002-05:00

I know "fat" is such a crude word, sorry!

Since I weighed at work the first time for our own Biggest Loser competition (May), I have lost 15lbs! I am fairly certain that the majority of that has been over the past 5 weeks. The best part about this is that it is keeping me motivated to keep away from the bad stuff. As Fall approaches, it's going to get more difficult with the holidays and goodies and the urge to bake! Any tips? I am thinking of scheduling some "cheat" days ahead of time so that I can bake with the kids and not feel like I'm off plan. If it's scheduled, then it's part of the plan, right? ;)

You know, someday I'm going to recharge my camera battery and take pictures. I have not taken any pictures since the 4th of July. What kind of crazy is that? I certainly haven't posted any in ages. These babies are getting big!

P.S. Thank you for your input and please continue to give it on my WFHM (Work from home mom) post. Each moment in the day creates a case for one side or the other!

Survey Says?

2010-08-25T14:10:00.002-05:00

I obviously rely on the opinions of others way too heavily. Hence, this question.

Which is better?

A) Kids at home with a loving but working mom that honestly does not have more than two hours or so of "quality time" to spend with them each day and at least 3 days out of the 6 day work week is quite stressed.

B) Kids in a structured daycare with constant attention and play with other kids from 630-530 every day with an hour or so of quality time with parents in the evening and then all day on weekends.

The kids are starting to notice my increased work load when I get busy and they get antsy. They are getting terrible at entertaining themselves and there is a lot more sibling rivalry these days. I hear screaming from Addie and whining from Freddie constantly. I mean, there are wonderful times of course. Just watching them run up and down the hallway and hearing their sweet barefeet splat across the hardwood floor is enough to make me choose to be at home no matter what. I just worry sometimes that I'm somehow not fulfilling all of their needs or that I'm not giving them enough attention. Working from home is a wonderful blessing and an answered prayer. I guess I'm not doubting it, I just need some type of affirmation that this is actually a better thing for my kids! ;) Oh, feel free to comment if you believe otherwise, that's what the question is for. I may need some new words of wisdom to help me through this time and to broaden my perspective on the whole thing rather than just seeking people who agree with me.

It would probably also help if I knew any other work from home moms. My examples of SAHMs are truly that, and it isn't fair to compare myself with that example (or any, but it's my womanly nature to do so). I'm going to a potluck for the Otter Creek Women's Club, Group, I don't know. It's next month and I am hoping to meet some more ladies in the area. I also have some ideas, shocking I know! I'm trying to organize a kid friendly Trick-or-Treat this year by having people sign up to agree to no scary costumes/decorations/music, frightening signs, la la la and give them
specific colored balloons to put on their mailboxes to indicate to families with young children that this is a house that won't traumatize their kids! We'll see what folks think.

Free Man Anti-Stank

2010-08-23T15:44:00.001-05:00

Free Rightguard Total Defense Deodorant: $3/2 printable coupon on coupons.com and $2/2 ecoupon on Kroger.com Both come off the purchase (scan that Kroger card), and they are on sale for 2.49 each this week...you get $.02 back for buying them, woooohooo! This is the only kind of deodorant that Jason will use. It smells fantastic too, which is great because he's totally anti-cologne. Oh my sweet husband is so far from Metrosexual that it isn't even funny! ;)

10 Adults 6 Kids

2010-08-19T10:08:00.003-05:00

That's how many folks are going to be at my hizzy tonight for dinner. I hope nobody minds being crowded, standing to eat, and changing diapers!

Oh, and I have prematurely given up on this round of potty training. She just does not want to sit on the potty and I feel like it's traumatic every time we go and I try to have her sit longer than .02 seconds. I'm perfectly okay with this, just slightly worried that it will make it harder next time we try since she knows I'm a weenie now! I also think I need to wait and make it a family adventure because my darling husband seems to have NO interest whatsoever in assisting with this potty training situation. I believe it is his secret desire to prevent her from growing up. ;) I don't blame him really. I have some 18 month Fall onesies that are so cute, and she couldn't have worn them and tried to use the potty! Silver lining! We'll see how she does in another couple of months.

Then on Saturday, we're heading to Memphis for a wedding shower for good friends, well they are family really. I suppose we need to sign our name to the gift my mother-in-law is getting for the couple. ;)

Potty Training, Take Two

2010-08-17T20:18:00.002-05:00

So, remember a couple of months ago when I talked about Addie spontaneously telling me she had to poo and then going on the potty? Yep, we tried a potty training intro then and it really didn't take so I happily put her diaper back on and left her be for awhile. On Sunday night we started again after a lot of development in that area. She is able to put her legs in her shorts/undies and pull at least the front up a little. She can identify pee and poo and that she needs to go. She can hold herself and say "pee pee" & "poooop." So, I got her a potty chair and off we went. Honestly, she is doing great, but I am just really tired. I think she can feel my stress. I am not stressed about cleaning up goop from the floor or clothes, it's more just the lack of time that I have. Working from home doesn't give me hours on end to sit in the bathroom with her while she gets up and down up and down and begs for a sticker or a stamp well before she's done anything to earn it! I also have sweet Freddie lingering outside the bathroom wishing we would come out, missing both me and his sister. I tried letting him in on the potty training fun, but she gets way too distracted and just gets straight up to play.

The biggest problem I see right now is time, so hopefully she'll get more comfortable and it will be less difficult to get her to sit down for more than 5 seconds at a time. She tells me about 30 times a day that she needs to go, and only went pee on the potty 1 1/2ish times today. So, I've spent a LOT of time in there! Any suggestions on the #2 issue? I read once that children often feel like poo is an "extension" of themselves, so the idea of flushing it away down the toilet is actually frightening and disturbing to them. I don't know how that works in their heads, but Addie had a complete freak out last night when she needed to poo, crying, stomping, holding herself, but refused to actually sit on her potty chair or the training seat on the big potty. She just screamed, "NOOOOO," and cried. The only way she would calm down for a second is when I gave in with a sip of Diet Coke in the BIG Sonic cup. She held it like some kind of fiend and finished up her hiccuping sobs and then still only peed. She pooed in the floor today but she knew it was coming and just did not want to sit on the potty. Do we have a consensus here...I think she's ready but I'm perfectly willing to stall some more. Changing diapers is way easier at this point and anybody who told me differently was a liar liar pants on fire! ;)

Complainosaurus Rex

2010-08-14T12:19:00.003-05:00

I'm going to fight off the urge to crawl back into bed. Oh me, I'm just tired of "struggling" with everything from weight to money. I guess nobody has it easy, but it certainly feels that way doesn't it? So, you're thin and have lots of money...per my facebook question, what do you worry about? Maybe then you have a cruddy husband or health problems or mental instability! ;) Maybe life seems just perfect but you are an evil selfish person with no real friends. I don't know. Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing these problems on anyone. It is just a complete mystery to me.

I just have to start going through my list of blessings so that I don't dwell on the poor me's. We are going to make it, and Jason told me today that he doesn't care if we have money because we are together and happy. He also pointed out that the kids don't mind (....yet anyway, but oh sweet goodness may we have more ample resources when they are teenagers), and that they are happy babies. I don't know what else I could ask for! (Actually...yes I do, like timely immunizations instead of a month behind because you're still paying off the last doctor's bill...but like I said, I just have to quit this!).

In the mean time, God is making miracles happen. Thanks to everyone who encourages me with my bargain shopping, couponing, crafting, and general creativity that is honestly my most important contribution to my family. My job doesn't actually cut it when it comes to making enough money to support us, but if you combine that with staying at home with the kids, making $35 grocery trips for a week's worth of food, dutifully managing a one car household, selling some homemade goodies on the side, and $.05 per diaper deals, then we've got something we can work with!

New scale needed

2010-08-08T21:57:00.002-05:00

My scale is completely jacked up. It weighs me in 10-15lb increments of crazy on a daily basis. I finally weighed at work on the nurse's scale and since the last time I weighed there, which was about 5-6 weeks ago.....I weigh 7 lbs less! Now, I've been trying to figure out some rhyme or reason to my scale at home to see if I can add/subtract to get my correct weight but there's no such possibility. I'll weigh again on Thursday since I'll be at work again. Otherwise, I'll be weighing in every two weeks when I'm on campus until I have the money to buy a decent/dependable scale. Seven pounds though, that's 28 sticks of butter melted right on off! Oh and I feel so much better anyway because my scale at home told me I weighed 20lbs more when I started my July 21st way of life change rant than I weighed in at work on Friday. I know I didn't lose 20lbs, so my starting weight wasn't as staggering as I thought. I thought I'd gained a buttload since my last at work weigh in. So, new goal, lose 80 lbs by January 2012. I will do it!

Fine...I get it

2010-08-05T21:13:00.002-05:00

Post something too spiritual and nobody wants to say anything. I see how it is! ;) Sometimes there's just that and that's that and that's it, so no need to say anything else about that. I understand.

Dissonance. I have it.

2010-08-01T00:12:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about messages I have held onto in my life. My pastor told me, when I found out my 15 year old sister was pregnant shortly after my parents' divorce, that God put me in many roles on this earth but that I need to focus on those instead of ones I put myself in. I wanted to be my sister's mom, not her sister, and a father to my family instead of a daughter. That message helped me with so much guilt and fear, and it allowed me to turn away when I couldn't handle the stress or when I knew there was nothing I could do to help besides pray. That message played in my head when I had to protect myself and my marriage from the absolute crazy that was my family. It was the right message then, but it almost prevented me from even seeing a new role that God had asked of me. Do you know how many times I told myself, "You are not Freddie's mom?" It took a long time to get over that and somehow still feel that I had some healthy boundary and ability to discern what place I fill. I know it sounds silly, but when you cling to something for so long as kind of a shield against things that would hurt you, it feels almost embarrassing to see how wrong you were and terrified of what else you may be wrong about.

Just something I was pondering over. I know that God will protect me and my husband and children while also allowing me to serve others as a sister and a daughter. I feel safe, but I've learned lessons to put my trust in God, not in my ability to do better, make better choices, set better examples, on and on. Do you have anything you cling to, a tried and true security blanket, strapped down somewhere in your faith that may be blinding and binding you from the very God that gave it to you?

Somebody is cute

2010-07-30T20:44:00.001-05:00

And she looks just like her dad, minus the polka dotted shower cap!

Week One

2010-07-29T17:17:00.003-05:00

No loss, no pounds gone away, no motivation to continue...I want to eat chicken fingers from West End with honey mustard. I'm not going to though, being very poor has its advantages! Maybe next week we'll see some progress. My Freddie Monster came home this afternoon and now he's singing "Zachius was a wee little man, a wee little man was he" It makes my heart happy. I didn't know that song until I was in my twenties! ;) Addie is wearing some big girl panties tonight, we'll see how that goes!

Starving but motivated

2010-07-27T13:05:00.002-05:00

Last week I made a life altering decision. I don't want to be fat anymore. Yup, I used that ugly word, FAT! I'll post my rant here for you all to read. I wrote this in an email to dear Rachel. We are sticking to it, dang it! I have a goal...a lofty goal. I want to lose 100 pounds before January 2012 when the whole big Hunt/Allen/Sadler clan are planning a big trip to Disney World. That is a year and a half, and I WILL do it.

I WILL LOSE THIS WEIGHT!! I will look at pictures of myself in all of life's moments and smile instead of cringe, and I will stop taking tags off my facebook pictures! I will not buy anymore "one size bigger" jeans, and I will not make anymore excuses. I will not allow food to determine my happiness or my mood to determine my food. I will not buy into the lie that I like myself just as I am, because I don't. I am broken in my need to feel accepted while I have merely given up. I am a creative, loving, inspiring, hard working, giving, and amazing woman that is stuck in a body that tells others that I "can't." I can't take care of myself, I can't control myself, I can't take responsibility, and I can't muster up the energy to care. No more!

The story God started...

2010-07-23T23:31:00.000-05:00

I started this in January 2010, when I asked myself why I wanted so badly to breastfeed Addie. This is the strange place that question got me, and I'm finally mustering up the courage to just post it.

Part I (of a likely many...)

I think I'm going to take this down a long winding road and bring it on back again, promise! The person I am now is so far from who I was as a child, in high school, or even starting out in college. The Lord has really softened me and turned my heart towards desires I never thought possible. Growing up witnessing the abusive mess that was my parents' marriage, that was not a relationship in the cards for me. At least, not the kind where the man is smarter than me, makes more money than me, or gets to run the show in any way. My mom taught me to not be "like her." She emphasized school, money, career, security, and getting all of this very quickly. She pushed me into kindergarten early, to graduate early, to get some kind of imaginary head start in life. I graduated high school at 16, and then she was devastated and made me wait to start college until the next year. I never wanted to get married, never even considered having children, and certainly had plans to be 30 before I would even consider it. I liked kids, thought they were sweet and all, but they were always a "burden" in my mind and nobody in my family ever rejoiced over a pregnancy. Nobody! In fact, people mourned babies. My grandmother cried when my mom got pregnant with my little brother and again when my aunt was pregnant with her first child. It was all kind of horrifying to me, and I actually learned to pity women with children. I know this is disgusting, but it was the absolute norm when I was growing up. Can you imagine it? It makes me just want to cry right now to know that all those sweet babies were born and nobody prayed to thank God for them. I bet nobody was thankful for me either.

At 17, I finally broke free. I earned myself a nice fat full ride scholarship to UCA in Conway. My parents lived in California at the time but I knew they wouldn't stay long and I had grandparents close by. I had a plan, and I'd had one for a long time. I would find a way to never have to depend on my parents again. Oh the guilt I still suffer for leaving my brother and sister there to fend for themselves. I should probably talk to a therapist about this, but Blogger will have to do! I love my mother dearly, but she was completely broken when she was with my step-dad (the only dad I know) and could not help herself or me and my siblings. My parents thought I joined a cult in college when my outlook started to change as a result of accepting Christ. You would think that college is where you go to run wild and sow all those wild oats and "find yourself." I did find myself, exactly where God would keep me safer than I ever had been in my life. I was put smack dab in the middle of four of the most amazing Christian women I have ever known. They were the first ones that ever showed me what compassion, trust, kindness, & friendship looked like on a daily basis. Before them, my dear Andrea was the only girl I ever allowed in. Girls suck, mean girls anyway, and even we had our times. God saved me, blessed me, encouraged me, tested me, wept with me, and held me up despite my desperate attempts to sink back down into the slavery of my life before Him. He had created me to be soft, warmhearted, loving, maternal, and oh my sweet goodness, SUBMISSIVE to His rule in my life. I was none of those things, and Kristina, Amanda, can I get an AMEN on how I fought? God had created me to be His daughter, Jason's wife, and a mother and He had serious work to do!

Thank you

2010-07-16T23:27:00.003-05:00

Thanks to all of you who have been so encouraging during my hopeless moment. I needed it, and I've managed to get back into the denial stage for now! I think we'll just have to do the least expensive plan for Jason & the kids that requires basically paying in $8000 before they'll pay 80% of anything major. That would at least keep us from going bankrupt if there was a major issue and well child/immunizations/etc. are covered 100%. Me...well we'll just have to pray that things change, because it would be an additional $200 a month or so for me in that plan, bringing it back up to the $400 range per month. Something will change, I just believe it.

In other news, I made a birthday banner last week for a friend's little girl. It is my favorite that I've done so far and now I've got the itch to do more! I've got another to do in September, so I think the jersey knit hats I'm making right now will keep me busy until then. Then it will be time to get on the knitting so the kids have homemade hats and mittens to keep them warm (minus the large holes from dropped stitches and accidental yarn overs, etc) this winter!

Hopeless Moment

2010-07-12T22:06:00.003-05:00

Get ready for too much disclosure! I'm having one, a hopeless moment where I've worked my way into a pit of despair. Most of the time I keep the reality of finances and the lack of healthcare neatly wrapped up in a bow of denial and a stupid grin that says, "God will take care of it!" Yes, I say it is a stupid grin, because God doesn't seem all that interested in finding me or my kids an affordable health insurance plan. It's probably one of those things where He's telling me that he takes care of the birds and the flowers and they don't worry, so why do I!? I was removed from my benefits plan & moved to part time at work in order to start working from home. I'm not hating or anything, because it's been one of the most wonderful blessings ever! It's just unfortunate that no benefits was actually considered a "selling point" in order to make the work from home situation even happen. At first, I thought that it would be okay. I thought we would surely find an affordable private option. Nope, not the case. We don't qualify for Medicaid now that Jason is teaching and to put all of us on his plan is close to $800 a month. Does anyone have an extra mortgage on a small home laying around every month?! We've called and applied for all sorts of plans and they are all too expensive or offer basically no coverage. I can't get the good ol' Arkansas Blue to cover me because of infertility issues.

I know this is a downer, and I'm sorry. I am just so angry that our ravenous need for capitalist profit has created a money sucking drain hole out of what I consider a basic need, to get help when you are sick! The only reason anybody needs health insurance is in case something happens, something big. Doctor's visits really aren't that expensive and even if you went once a month, it won't cost you as much as paying for insurance. With the plans I've seen, the health insurance company (at least on private plans) doesn't pay anything out until you've paid in anywhere from $5-$10 thousand dollars in deductibles/copays/coinsurance anyway, and if somebody has ten thousand dollars to put towards health insurance, odds are they could afford to pay for whatever big happened anyway! So, the only way to get out of this hopeless moment is to go back into denial. One of us needs a second job in order to pay for health insurance, because we can't imagine going bankrupt and losing our home and car and everything else if that something "big" did happen. We certainly can't pay for additional childcare and healthcare, and we certainly can't even begin to consider having another child when I have no coverage and we don't qualify for Medicaid. I can't imagine seeing less of my husband either, and we just keep pushing it off and away because it is too painful and disgusting and hopeless to think about very often. I guess this is being an adult, realizing that no matter how hard you work, or how much you think your kids deserve something, or how much pain and anxiety you feel, nobody is going to hand you anything and nothing is going to be "fair." So, my sweet babies, please don't get sick, and dear God, if you can't fix this now for whatever reason, please don't let the "something big" happen!

Blogger Bummer

2010-07-06T10:43:00.000-05:00

I am only creating a new post because it's the only way my reading list updates, isn't that silly?

Happy 4th Birthday, Freddie!

2010-06-24T23:57:00.003-05:00

The Freddie Monster is 4! We had a great day together with lots of fun. Granted, he was much more concerned with when his party at the "swimming park" was going to happen! Sweet boy, he's really funny and wonderful. He also thinks that I'm the "silliest mamma I ever saw my whole attire (entire) life, ok?" I'll post more about our day and some pictures!

Things She Can Say at 17 Months

2010-06-22T20:23:00.004-05:00

Addie can say lots of things with signs and she can finally say lots of things with her mouth. I need to write them down anyway, so why not do it on my blog where I can't lose it! ;)

Sign

Please
Water
Milk
Cat- BRAND NEW!!
Eat
Horse- Also brand new, like just today, but she doesn't do it right. It's really cute!
Bye Bye
Juice
Soft/Pet
Share
Sorry
Bath
Up
Sleep

Hmm....I'm sure there are more, but I can't think of them all.

Say
Milk- she just said this for the first time at dinner tonight!
Ball
Nana
Mamma
Dada
Bubba
Bob
PaPa
Dog - 1st word
Cat
Thank you (sort of)
Cookie
No- new favorite and she says it with about 3 syllables!
Addie (she knows and says her sweet little name and it makes me so happy)
Baby
Blankey (bankey)
PeePee
Eye
Shhh (does that count as a word)
Meow (mowww)
Quack Quack (she can also make the sound "mmmmm" for a cow and "ahh ahh" for a monkey and "ffff, ffff" for a dog, all of which is really cute)

I've racked my brain and that's all I can think of. She's just over 17 months now and is getting super rotten. She has evil looks, rolls her eyes at me, is constantly filthy and then rubs food in he hair, slaps, hits, runs away, screams at her brother, tells us "naaaaooooo," and refuses to share or be patient. Does this sound pretty typical to everyone?! :) She also gives big hugs and kisses & high fives, runs like Frankenstein, giggles hysterically all the time, tickles herself in the floor while saying, "Tickle, tickle, tickle" (add that to the list!), she's gone pee pee on the potty one time, plays with her hair when she's tired to get to sleep, carries around her blanket I made for her, has such a sweet little voice, and amazes us constantly with all she can do and how much she loves us and we all love her. Freddie definitely gets the big brother of the year award putting up with all she puts him through. He handles it pretty well though and reminds her often that she's just a "lil' tiny baby and I'm a big boy." He also tells her when she's being "wude," and when to share and not to hit, etc. We try to keep him from taking on so demanding of a role, but I know it's hard when you're the oldest and those little ones just don't respect you. So, I think we're going to teach her to respect and obey her big brother while also trying to make sure he knows that it isn't his job to correct her or make her do right. It's way too big of a responsibility, even for me some days!

Crafts, Chemistry, Christening & Klappenbach

2010-06-20T16:11:00.011-05:00

So, let's start with Klappenbach's. It's a delicious bakery in Fordyce, AR. Jason's hometown! I've never been despite all the trips down there, but when you're a native you take these things for granted. Here are the kids cheesing outside. I wish that they would both look at the camera at the same time someday.

I also wish that my darling little girl wasn't so beautiful that I want to cry all the time! ;)

The food was sooo good, this is their Philly Cheesesteak on Sourdough, yummmm!

He is such a little man these days, he'll be 4 on Thursday!!

Now, on to the christening....we christened summer at the pool. Excuse the lack of pictures of Freddie. He wouldn't stand still long enough, nor would he get out of the water long enough for me to snap a decent picture! ;)

This is Addie's "Cheese" face that comes along with a nice baby talk, "Cheeeeeee"

CHEMISTRY: Making Laundry Detergent

I've discussed this before and posted a link, but here is the tutorial I use again. It's great and easy. You just grate up a bar of soap, I used cheapo Ivory on this one.

Melt your soap flakes a little at a time in about 4 cups of boiling water, stir until they are all dissolved, then pour this into a 10 gallon bucket. Add 1 cup washing soda & 1/2 cup of Borax, stir well. Then add about 3 gallons of cool water & stir for a few minutes.

Then you put your lid on and let it sit overnight. It turns out like really watery jelly and it smells great and works like a charm, as well as any laundry detergent I've used. We still use stain remover and bleach when necessary, but this is a teensy fraction of the price of laundry detergent. This batch will last us for over a month!! You only use 1 cup per load.

CRAFTING: Father's Day Gift

The kids had "fun," but I raised my voice a few times and there was a HUGE mess afterward. The end result was too precious though. I got the idea from a craft blog a friend linked me to. Here's the link. Mine are smaller, but it was better with little ones!

Notice those sweet arms & hands are the "tree bone" as Freddie called them! ;)

Other Crafted Goodies:

Knitted baby caps for a set of twin girls, due any time now! One is sort of pointed, but I got better by the second one. Oh well, I think they turned out just darling. I'm so excited to meet Paige & Peyton!

And Finally.....Freddie's Birthday Banner! It wasn't nearly as time consuming to do his as it was Addie's and I had a lot more fun watching it all come together. It's just perfect for him and I'm super pumped to make another for a friend's little girl next month!

Disclaimer: All of these crafts have happened over a course of weeks/months and I just haven't gotten around to posting so don't go be aghast! Ha!

Crack Shot

2010-06-18T09:58:00.002-05:00

Yup, shot the top off of an inch thick rake from at least 20 yards away. I did this at Jason's dad's house with his 22. I had once shot a tennis ball off the top of a bird house that was wayyyyyy further away but they took the bird house down so his dad told me to shoot the top of the rake. I shot and it blew off, who would have ever known I was such a markswoman?! Jason said he's scared but I have to remind him that I don't actually have a gun, nor do I want one. However, after our midnight ride back home after a belt blew out on our car on the dirt road....I would not mind shooting me a few deer. I've decided I agree with Louis CK, deer are not beautiful and majestic, they are nocturnal rats that can do a lot more damage to your car. We saw at least 20 either in the middle of the road or waiting by the side to dart out in front of us. Stupid deer.

Goings On

2010-06-10T09:25:00.002-05:00

Summer has officially hit the Allen household. We have been swimming 3 times now and I took the kids to S.P.L.A.T. (Summer Preschoolers Learning Activity Time) at a local church. It was miserably hot and I came close to death, because we walked there and then the activity was outside. I don't think any of us made many friends that day, because we scared people off with our red faces. I felt like an old woman because I was wiping my sweat off with paper towels and baby wipes the whole time. It was pretty sexy.

There are lots of swimming pics of the kids on facebook that Nana posted, so feel free to check 'em out sometime! I may get up the gumption to take pictures again soon, who knows?! ;) Oh, and Jason is finished teaching his first year of high school, woo hoo! I've been attempting to grow tomatoes, but I just don't know if they are going to do anything. It's been about six weeks now and there's no evidence of tomatoes. I started from 6" plants too, so I'm not very hopeful. My basil is doing quite well though, so at least I'll try making some pesto. I'm knee deep in crafts, a superman cape and Freddie's birthday banner. Only two more weeks until my deadline!

Keep us in your thoughts next week, as the trial for Freddie's abuser is scheduled for the 16th & 17th. This August will be two years since it happened and there has been talk of a possible plea bargain and now the man is trying to stall again by saying he wants to hire his own attorney instead of using the public defender. Talk about a waste of money considering they have been preparing for this case for two years now! Anyway, I have been struggling with this need for some time of justice as if our legal system is the great distributor of such things. I never thought I was vindictive and I felt forgiving, but I realize that I'm just not there yet. I have been able to let it rest in the back of mind thinking that the person responsible for Freddie's horrid abuse would "get his" and be sent to jail forever. We're looking at probably about 3 years of actual time served and that's it. Is anyone else disgusted? I just have to keep reminding myself that God forgives and has forgiven so much more than I am capable of. There is forgiveness and I have got to muster up the courage to ask God for it so I can give it back, lest I be consumed with bitterness beyond what I can carry. Like I said though, I'm not there yet and I'm so grateful that my sweet Jesus is waiting beside me, just waiting for me to give Him the load.

Already Ready for Fall

2010-06-02T20:28:00.006-05:00

I love my darling Natural State, but I am already ready for the majestic flames of autumn to light up the horizon. Instead, I just have the muggy, mosquito ridden flames of sun reflecting off of asphalt. I do not like the summer here. I miss Spring already. I love the smell of honeysuckle. It is one of my favorite scents in the world but it can not be reproduced in candles, lotions, or sprays. That smell is bittersweet though, it means that summer is coming and my cool night breezes and sunny greenery of spring is soon to turn.

Here are some things to be thankful for this summer...just to keep me going for the next three months.

1. The Pool!
2. My blooming Camelias scratch that, Gardenias, they smell so pretty
3. Hopeful tomatoes
4. Lightning Bugs
5. More daylight
6. No school
7. The urge to read something as if I'm preparing for next year's Honors English class ;)
8. How cute my kids are with sweaty brows and those curly hairs at the nape of their necks & clinging to their foreheads
9. Grilling outside all the time
10. My alternative to a New Year's Resolution...the June diet, it's happened for years!

11.... one more. I love being a Southerner and the summer makes me think about it more. I feel heavy and constantly damp, like a huge weeping willow just hanging under the weight of the humidity. I have never tasted a mint julep, but I feel I should have a big wrap around porch to sit on and drink one while waving a huge paper fan. Jason picks on me at times when I get a little too girly, and says, "Oh I do declare, I believe I'm comin' down with the vapors." I laugh every time, mostly because of his hand fanning motion and hysterical high pitched southern drawl. This is no Savannah, but it will certainly do!

Little Susie Walker....walkin' down the street

2010-05-27T14:47:00.003-05:00

Didn't know what to do, so she stopped in front of me. Singing "Hey girl, do your thang, do your thang, STOP!" Hey girl do your thang, do your thang, STOP! Oh the fun of summer day camp for kiddos in Dallas. I learned so much, including this awesome circle dance & song number.

Anyway, I'm going to try and post a video of Addie Bitserton walking. Please enjoy Jason's creative license during the video as well.

Fredd IE

2010-05-24T09:14:00.002-05:00

We've decided to change how we spell the Fredster's name. My sis chose to spell his shortened name F-r-e-d-d-y. I would have chosen Freddie, and we did choose to spell Adeline's with an "ie". So, now he's starting a new daycare, can't write his name yet, and we're going to change it. Silly, I know, but just one more thing to help us claim our rights as parents!

So, Freddie is turning 4 in only a month! I can hardly believe it. We'll be celebrating at our local "swimming park" as he calls it. Very exciting. We're thinking about a bike as his big gift. He has pretty much outgrown his tricycle. It's so sad to see his little knees hit the handle bars as he rides. Such a big kid! He's also getting a handmade superman cape from Mom...with some consulting work from Dad to make sure I get the shield just right. I also have to finish/start his birthday banner. Lots to do this month, gotta get busy, but first I have to get over the stomach bug he so kindly passed to me this weekend. Thanks Freddie. So, if we have another kid, I feel like it needs to match somehow. We have Freddie and Addie by coincidence really, Adeline and Frederick. So German, so I wonder what we'd do next? (This is all complete assumption people, don't go gettin' any ideas!)

Now it works....great

2010-05-18T18:03:00.005-05:00

Knitting

Goodness he is sweet! This is a knitted scarf, my very first completed knitting project. It is stockinette stitch with some rows of garter stitch...blocks of v's and then a row of bumps. Thing I didn't know when I started is that when you do the v's pattern, the scarf rolls in. So, it's more like a tube. That's okay though, it is still really cute on him and he loves it so it's a success!

This is my next project, a scarf for Addie to wear next winter. It's cotton, so nice and soft. This one is a rib stitch, which are columns of v's alternated w/columns of bumps so it won't roll. Lesson learned.

Mother's Day at Caper's

Bang Trim by Mama...never again!

The Wonder Place!!

Does his face not say, "Wonder?"

Arts & Crafts

We made lunch bag puppets, the one on the left is a peacock, in case it was hard to tell!

My Little Kaniky and...well she doesn't really fit with the era of Grease in this picture! Freddy is wearing his biker jacket upside down in this picture btw, his own invention. Addie's outfit is handmade by her Nana Tina.

Okay, now I'm tired. I'll post more another day!

Blogger Blarg

2010-05-18T17:48:00.003-05:00

Stinkin' won't let me upload pictures. After all my hard work finding the cable and uploading, editing, on and on, blargity blarg blarg!@

No Pictshas!

2010-05-16T08:50:00.002-05:00

Do you know your camera and ipod can get viruses? I'm sure other people know that, but I didn't. Jason said he fixed it, I hope so!

Update, update, I finished my 5K! I have been training for the past 10 weeks and sadly let myself go a bit the last two weeks before the race. At one point I was able to run for 35 minutes! Too bad my pace was so slow that I had just gotten over two miles by then so I got a bit discouraged that I would never be able to run the 5K. It felt impossible to run any faster or run for over 45 minutes! Well, it is still impossible for me, but I will improve. I ran the first mile, then did intervals for the next mile, and then ran the 1.1 miles to the finish line. It was miserable, not fun, hot, rainy, muggy, embarrasing at times as walkers and elderly people left me in their dust & I was all alone feeling like that last person in the race. Rachel would run back and do laps around me and encourage me the best she could, poor girl, I was pretty awful to her. I had a terrible attitude, but it's over now and if I can convince her to run with me ever again I plan on doing another one in July. The Firecracker 5K!

Other updates, ADDIE CAN WALK! I posted this on facebook, but now I'm making the blog announcement! She is definitely still wobbly and only does it when the mood strikes her, but there's no going back. We know she can do it! It took a yoga mat rolled out in the living room to convince her. She is totally going to be a hippie! I gotta go teach me some Sunday school but there are lots of pictures coming your way soon. I've got my first completed knitting project to show you, an Addie walking video, and hopefully some bubble action! ;)