12 Week Blues

Well, I have been rescheduled again. This time it was just pushed up half an hour, but I don't know if we can make it since Jason has the car today. We're going to give it a shot though. I feel like a loser today. No second car, no insurance, blah blah blah. I've read that at 12 weeks your hormone levels during pregnancy are at their absolute highest. That's what we'll attribute my whining and complaining to, kay? I am very frustrated. Medicaid sent me a card and I was so excited, but it was just a "temporary" one that has since been cut off. Now they need all that information that I asked if I could bring on the front end...I filled out this application in October! So, here comes the part where they see exactly how I'm over the limit by like .02 cents a month or something ridiculous. I was hopeful and optimistic about being able to do all of this without medical insurance and I guess I still have a back up plan or two up my sleeve. There's still that government subsidized insurance for folks with pre-existing conditions. We can't afford it, but in a pinch I think we could squeeze it in during the last couple months of my pregnancy if something does go wrong.

At this point, I'm just second guessing my entire plan. I've had some friends encourage me and I'm trying to remain calm. It is proving very difficult though. No heartbeat, no ultrasound, and no real prenatal appointment yet due to out of town issues, rescheduling, and my midwife's apprentice apparently being incredibly over worked and under slept. I broke down and cried on my couch today while attempting to eat some chips and salsa. I had to stop every few bites to take a deep mouth breath because my cold is preventing any oxygen from entering via nostril. I am very busy with work and feel a lot of pressure and concern over a recent possible promotion that would put me back at work full time but with a significant pay increase. In general, I just want to quit everything. It is too stressful to juggle these many different roles, and I'd prefer to just pick two or three and call it a life, ya know?! Jason and I talked about this recently, about how I feel like a big ol' failure in some area of my life every day. Maybe I need to focus on what I succeeded at that day, even if it is just tiny. It likely will be! ;) So, pray with me for a heartbeat today and that I can make it to my appointment on time. Otherwise, she's leaving at 4:30 even if I'm not there yet. The apprentice hasn't slept since the night before last...I guess it's part of her stressful job! Wah wah wah I know, just a big baby I am only thinking of myself. Thanks readers for providing free therapy for me today! I'll let you know what happens next. I knew there would be at least some portions of this journey that weren't so pretty, here's one of them!