Will it be a 9 oz day or just a 7? My life now that I'm back at work feels as if it boils down to ounces. How many ounces will I pump? It makes so much sense. A 9 oz day makes me feel powerful and as if I can really do this whole thing, work, three kids, finish my master's degree, breastfeed for a year again, and so forth. A 7 oz day makes me feel like breastfeeding will fail, my child is starving, I'm not doing so great at catching up with work, and that I'll eventually just fizzle out at everything. It doesn't help that the daycare took license to feed Charlie formula whenever she cries because I was short the first day and had to send 1 measly ounce of formula with her. She ate 5 oz all day on Monday and yesterday they fed her 14 and 5 of those were formula. I am angry but at the same time trying not to stress myself out with control issues. It's a big mess though.

My head runs into...if they feed her so much, has she not been getting enough while nursing? Oh yes she has, she's fine, those silly women probably just don't realize that she finishes the bottle much faster than she finishes nursing and is just wanting to be able to suck longer but instead they feed her. Grrr, if they keep feeding her so much then she's going to start wanting more but I'm not going to be able to keep up with her demand since I'm stuck at work pumping 3 times a day trying to be as discreet as possible so nobody will think I'm a freak or get jealous that I have these "privileges." I miss her, maybe this weekend will be better and she'll get back on a good schedule. I hate pumping when I get home from work but I have to in order to get that last ounce for the next day. Why didn't I pump more when I was on leave?

See, it's ugly in there! SO....bummer, bet you're glad to read today!!

Soon, life will go back to a normal I never really expected for my life. Three kids, a husband, a dog, a home to keep, and a full time job as a stinkin' supervisor at an organization that I adore. As I've gone through this maternity leave, it's been a lot different for me emotionally. I haven't cried yet about going back to work. There isn't that aching wish/hope/dream that something miraculous will happen and I can stay at home with the kids. Gracious, not that I don't want to, but I have finally accepted that it's not going to happen for me. I don't even mean this in some cynical defeatist type of way. It's just that God has worked out in me that my job is a gift. Somehow I was able to work at home for over a year and enjoy my sweet babies, watch Addie learn to walk, nurse her until she was 16 months old, teach Freddie his ABCs and all their sounds, teach him how to count to 10 at least :), potty train Addie, and eventually become pregnant and spend my first trimester able to rest at home! That was a truly wonderful time, but not without significant sacrifice and hardship. I often struggled with guilt while I was working that my kids would be better off at daycare where someone could pay more attention to them or they would have friends to play with. It's just never perfect as a mom I guess, we're always wanting more and better for our kids even when it is too much for us to do or provide.

So, on August 22nd, I'm heading back to work. This past Monday, I took Freddie to his first day of kindergarten. Life is so busy. 5:30 wakeup, shower, get dressed, fix hair/makeup; 6:00 nurse Charlie and pray she goes back to sleep; 6:30 get breakfast ready for kids & me, load up car with bags, computer, backpacks, etc. 6:45 wake up kids, brush teeth, get them dressed, hand them to-go breakfasts, brush hair, potty, etc; 7:05 OUT THE DOOR OR ELSE ; 7:15 drop Freddie off at school; 7:20 drop girls off at daycare; 7:30 head to work! This week has been good practice. All of it is just crazy and all on about 5 hours of sleep a night. It's amazing the stamina that God can provide to us when we are doing His work. I have to believe that raising a family, serving them, teaching God's love, and sharing that loving family with your community is truly God's work! I am sure I will blog more as an outlet for how badly it will hurt to send my new baby girl to daycare and how Addie is acting out now that she's not getting enough Mommy time, and how Freddie wailing at the kitchen table with his poor lefthanded handwriting problems!

P.S. I am watching A Baby Story and this woman is a weenie! ;) HAHAHA!