According to that wheel thingie bopper magiggy I am 14 weeks today, how did that happen? I'm counting my weeks on Fridays. Either way,...

Changes A'Brew

According to that wheel thingie bopper magiggy I am 14 weeks today, how did that happen? I'm counting my weeks on Fridays. Either way, this week is 14! We've now heard little bebe's heartbeat on two lovely occasions. I know I didn't post after my last appointment, but I did send an update on Facebook to let folks know everything was okay. God also gave me a great opportunity to have mercy for the plite of my midwife's apprentice. She was so sweet and caring towards me when I came in to hear the heartbeat that second time and so reassuring. She explained how we use this technology of the doppler to help us feel safe and secure, not to create fear. I liked that explanation and then after a few minutes of searching, she found the baby's heartbeat echoing right behind my own. They were beating together, one fast and one slow. It was very precious and Jason was there to hear it along with both of the kids!

So, after that visit and then today I had a full prenatal appointment, I really like my midwife's apprentice. I'm just going to call her my midlady-in-waiting (MIW)! ;) It's a good thing too, because the midwife, Mary, was there this evening and explained how she is kind of taking a back seat at this point in order to allow her apprentice the experience she needs to work through her requirements. I feel and felt comfortable with both of them and I think I may have needed this initial rough start to develop a better bond and connection with my MIW. Done!

Ok so for changes a'brew. I got the promotion at work!! YAY! Dread!! More yay, and then some more dread. I am absolutely devastated and heartbroken to once again be torn away from my children. The promotion will put me back full time in the office. It will also put me in an assistant manager position and then I'll transition to a supervisor in August/September when I return from maternity leave. I was not really intending on heading back to my high school dreams of being an independent career woman, but God has given me this opportunity to provide for my family in a way that I honestly didn't think possible. He also gave me a whole year at home with my sweet babies where I got to enjoy them and love them and really bond with motherhood. I fell into it so quickly with both at once that I really feel like I needed this year. There was a time after Addie was born that I actually cried when Jason left me home alone with them. I felt helpless and almost afraid. I am fearless and confident now in my ability to do EVERYTHING! I remember the fear of not being able to keep house, have time with the kids, cook, grocery shop, and find time for myself when I went back to work after Addie. Turns out, I really couldn't do everything the way I wanted, but I've consistently lowered my expectations until the goals are more attainable! In this year I have also seen the downside to being a "work from home mom," and it isn't the same as a stay at home mom. You have all the jobs and expectations as a SAHM plus the expecations of completing your job. I have excelled more so on the job end, hence the promotion...some days I felt guilty that the kids weren't at daycare. Others I felt like they were the luckiest kids ever to have me for a mom.

I start on January 3rd, so I have set some very high goals for the next two weeks or so. I need to potty train Addie, teach her basic colors and how to count to five, and how to sing the ABCs. I need to teach Freddie all of his lower case letters, how to count to 20, and how to read. I also need to reorganize the linen closet, clean the entire house, finish Christmas shopping, paint Freddie's bedroom, bake cookies with the kids, turn 28, visit with my brother over Christmas, wean Addie from the pacifier, sew inumerable projects, knit inumerable projects, buy a wardrobe for work that will fit my ever expanding waistline, send Christmas cards, and plan Addie's birthday party and send invitations. I think all of that is possible, don't you? Who wants to come over and help?


Well, I have been rescheduled again. This time it was just pushed up half an hour, but I don't know if we can make it since Jason has t...

12 Week Blues

Well, I have been rescheduled again. This time it was just pushed up half an hour, but I don't know if we can make it since Jason has the car today. We're going to give it a shot though. I feel like a loser today. No second car, no insurance, blah blah blah. I've read that at 12 weeks your hormone levels during pregnancy are at their absolute highest. That's what we'll attribute my whining and complaining to, kay? I am very frustrated. Medicaid sent me a card and I was so excited, but it was just a "temporary" one that has since been cut off. Now they need all that information that I asked if I could bring on the front end...I filled out this application in October! So, here comes the part where they see exactly how I'm over the limit by like .02 cents a month or something ridiculous. I was hopeful and optimistic about being able to do all of this without medical insurance and I guess I still have a back up plan or two up my sleeve. There's still that government subsidized insurance for folks with pre-existing conditions. We can't afford it, but in a pinch I think we could squeeze it in during the last couple months of my pregnancy if something does go wrong.

At this point, I'm just second guessing my entire plan. I've had some friends encourage me and I'm trying to remain calm. It is proving very difficult though. No heartbeat, no ultrasound, and no real prenatal appointment yet due to out of town issues, rescheduling, and my midwife's apprentice apparently being incredibly over worked and under slept. I broke down and cried on my couch today while attempting to eat some chips and salsa. I had to stop every few bites to take a deep mouth breath because my cold is preventing any oxygen from entering via nostril. I am very busy with work and feel a lot of pressure and concern over a recent possible promotion that would put me back at work full time but with a significant pay increase. In general, I just want to quit everything. It is too stressful to juggle these many different roles, and I'd prefer to just pick two or three and call it a life, ya know?! Jason and I talked about this recently, about how I feel like a big ol' failure in some area of my life every day. Maybe I need to focus on what I succeeded at that day, even if it is just tiny. It likely will be! ;) So, pray with me for a heartbeat today and that I can make it to my appointment on time. Otherwise, she's leaving at 4:30 even if I'm not there yet. The apprentice hasn't slept since the night before last...I guess it's part of her stressful job! Wah wah wah I know, just a big baby I am only thinking of myself. Thanks readers for providing free therapy for me today! I'll let you know what happens next. I knew there would be at least some portions of this journey that weren't so pretty, here's one of them!


Tonight was supposed to be my second appointment with my midwife at Birthworks. I have been very excited about this appointment, hoping ver...

Poor Publicity

Tonight was supposed to be my second appointment with my midwife at Birthworks. I have been very excited about this appointment, hoping very much to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. We got there about 15 minutes early, which is so out of the ordinary for us. Found out that my midwife was called out of town for an emergency family situation. Since I hadn't received a phone call to reschedule, we all assumed that her apprentice would be coming. We waited about 30 minutes or so and then someone decided to call her for us, no answer. They texted, no reply. So, we sat and chatted and thought about where to get some dinner. Then it got to be about 6:30 and the lady waiting in the office explained that she an another midwife were headed to a home visit in Cabot at 7:00 and she would have to lock up. I felt a bit silly, but I was close to tears over not getting to try for the heartbeat again. Thankfully, the woman was very kind and mentioned that the other midwife would be there soon and we could always ask her if she could take a listen for us. A few minutes later this lady calls and explains how her husband was running late and that she is running late and so on. Despite all this, she was perfectly willing to give it a try when she got there at 6:45 or so. We tried for almost 10 minutes and nothing. No little heartbeat thundering away. I am trying not to worry or be too sad. I know it is still early to hear it on the doppler and I know that I have quite a few extra layers to get through. Still, after the crazy awareness and hypervigilance over my pregnancy with Addie and watching her grow from a fetal pole and yolc sac to a bean, to a south park baby, to a miniature person, all the way to a big baby girl....this is unbearable!

I shouldn't say it is poor publicity, because the ladies that were there helped me so much and were so kind. It is also apparently extremely out of character for the apprentice gal to be late or unorganized in any way. I hope she's alright! I also hope that my midwife's family is okay, that our baby is okay, and that we can reschedule for next week and maybe try again. You can hope with me if you like. It is just such a reassuring sound for so many reasons, and a beautiful moment that I was so looking forward to sharing with Jason tonight. I got home, managed not to cry, put my sweet angel sugar babies to bed, made chocolate chip cookies, and after eating 4 of them with a big glass of milk that had little ice chips in it...and a little blogging, I'm ready for bed!