Today I feel awful. I don't know if anybody else has had this problem, but I feel like I have failed somehow at this whole breastfeeding thing. I have moved to only pumping once a day at work, due to part resentment towards the evil pump that is not my baby and part inconvenience and business at work. I've had a co-worker or two complain about it not being fair that pumping is allowed while others don't get "breaks," and I guess it has taken its toll. Addie is sleeping through the night and she gets 3 solid meals a day. I only get to nurse in the morning and twice in the evenings and then weekends. She is having mainly formula with only about 4 oz a day of breastmilk. I have to give her a bottle after nursing sometimes because she's upset, frustrated, and obviously not full. I know that she's nine months old, and that I've made it a long way. My hope was to continue until at least a year if not after, and it just isn't working. I feel like giving up. Addie's doctor isn't very supportive, many family members think it's weird, co-workers ask me how long I'll keep nursing her, and I have gotten some strange looks when I tell people that she's started to try and stand up and nurse bent over! :) I never thought it would be harder now than it was at the beginning.
So, the fail part comes in because I had a visitor last night, she has bright red hair and she is terribly obnoxious. I don't know how long people normally go during breastfeeding without this visitor, but I feel like I have failed somehow and it is physically manifested in this terrible event. If I pumped more at work, if I pumped in between feedings at night and on weekends, if I'd waited longer to introduce solids, if if if if if. Did I also mention that Addie only weighs 16lbs 14 oz at 9 months? The doctor isn't "worried" but gave me a recipe to up the calories in her formula and lots of food suggestions to add calories/fat to her diet. Ho hum, that's me today, hmph, yuck, poo. Aren't you glad you stopped by???
4 comments:
I know you don't want to hear this but I totally admire the fact that you were able to breastfeed as long as you did! That mean red-head visited me after only 5 weeks...You never know.
Don't stress yourself out though, because that will make things worse. Just go with the flow. (no pun intended)
I am sorry that you are feeling so bad, but I want to tell you that you are still an inspiration to me in my breastfeeding venture, 9 months is HUGE goal and I hope to get there. You are still going to be my golden source of information. Its not your fault, life just got in the way.
Do you know if there is a La Leche League there in LR? My sister is part of one in Searcy, and they offer support/meetings for breastfeeding mothers.
Don't feel bad. My mom was unable to nurse ANY of us that long. And we still made it to adulthood. :)
Amanda, Good job! Do NOT feel like a failure! If I worked, I probably wouldn't have made it a week pumping.. those darn things are annoying! And all my children were low on the growth chart.. if she has always been low on the weight chart don't worry... love you!
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