I've been thinking a lot lately about messages I have held onto in my life. My pastor told me, when I found out my 15 year old sister w...

Dissonance. I have it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about messages I have held onto in my life. My pastor told me, when I found out my 15 year old sister was pregnant shortly after my parents' divorce, that God put me in many roles on this earth but that I need to focus on those instead of ones I put myself in. I wanted to be my sister's mom, not her sister, and a father to my family instead of a daughter. That message helped me with so much guilt and fear, and it allowed me to turn away when I couldn't handle the stress or when I knew there was nothing I could do to help besides pray. That message played in my head when I had to protect myself and my marriage from the absolute crazy that was my family. It was the right message then, but it almost prevented me from even seeing a new role that God had asked of me. Do you know how many times I told myself, "You are not Freddie's mom?" It took a long time to get over that and somehow still feel that I had some healthy boundary and ability to discern what place I fill. I know it sounds silly, but when you cling to something for so long as kind of a shield against things that would hurt you, it feels almost embarrassing to see how wrong you were and terrified of what else you may be wrong about.

Just something I was pondering over. I know that God will protect me and my husband and children while also allowing me to serve others as a sister and a daughter. I feel safe, but I've learned lessons to put my trust in God, not in my ability to do better, make better choices, set better examples, on and on. Do you have anything you cling to, a tried and true security blanket, strapped down somewhere in your faith that may be blinding and binding you from the very God that gave it to you?

1 comments:

Miss W said...

Mine is more selfishness than anything. I think, "I take care of me and mine, and only anyone else IF I have the resources left over." God's been showing me lately how really really selfish I am. It hurts. I think the worst thing is that I get more involved in DOING than BEING. People around me need love, acceptance, and someone to listen to them. They don't need super-duper-do-everything person.

I don't know if that went along with your post, but I had to post something. :)