According to that wheel thingie bopper magiggy I am 14 weeks today, how did that happen? I'm counting my weeks on Fridays. Either way, this week is 14! We've now heard little bebe's heartbeat on two lovely occasions. I know I didn't post after my last appointment, but I did send an update on Facebook to let folks know everything was okay. God also gave me a great opportunity to have mercy for the plite of my midwife's apprentice. She was so sweet and caring towards me when I came in to hear the heartbeat that second time and so reassuring. She explained how we use this technology of the doppler to help us feel safe and secure, not to create fear. I liked that explanation and then after a few minutes of searching, she found the baby's heartbeat echoing right behind my own. They were beating together, one fast and one slow. It was very precious and Jason was there to hear it along with both of the kids!

So, after that visit and then today I had a full prenatal appointment, I really like my midwife's apprentice. I'm just going to call her my midlady-in-waiting (MIW)! ;) It's a good thing too, because the midwife, Mary, was there this evening and explained how she is kind of taking a back seat at this point in order to allow her apprentice the experience she needs to work through her requirements. I feel and felt comfortable with both of them and I think I may have needed this initial rough start to develop a better bond and connection with my MIW. Done!

Ok so for changes a'brew. I got the promotion at work!! YAY! Dread!! More yay, and then some more dread. I am absolutely devastated and heartbroken to once again be torn away from my children. The promotion will put me back full time in the office. It will also put me in an assistant manager position and then I'll transition to a supervisor in August/September when I return from maternity leave. I was not really intending on heading back to my high school dreams of being an independent career woman, but God has given me this opportunity to provide for my family in a way that I honestly didn't think possible. He also gave me a whole year at home with my sweet babies where I got to enjoy them and love them and really bond with motherhood. I fell into it so quickly with both at once that I really feel like I needed this year. There was a time after Addie was born that I actually cried when Jason left me home alone with them. I felt helpless and almost afraid. I am fearless and confident now in my ability to do EVERYTHING! I remember the fear of not being able to keep house, have time with the kids, cook, grocery shop, and find time for myself when I went back to work after Addie. Turns out, I really couldn't do everything the way I wanted, but I've consistently lowered my expectations until the goals are more attainable! In this year I have also seen the downside to being a "work from home mom," and it isn't the same as a stay at home mom. You have all the jobs and expectations as a SAHM plus the expecations of completing your job. I have excelled more so on the job end, hence the promotion...some days I felt guilty that the kids weren't at daycare. Others I felt like they were the luckiest kids ever to have me for a mom.

I start on January 3rd, so I have set some very high goals for the next two weeks or so. I need to potty train Addie, teach her basic colors and how to count to five, and how to sing the ABCs. I need to teach Freddie all of his lower case letters, how to count to 20, and how to read. I also need to reorganize the linen closet, clean the entire house, finish Christmas shopping, paint Freddie's bedroom, bake cookies with the kids, turn 28, visit with my brother over Christmas, wean Addie from the pacifier, sew inumerable projects, knit inumerable projects, buy a wardrobe for work that will fit my ever expanding waistline, send Christmas cards, and plan Addie's birthday party and send invitations. I think all of that is possible, don't you? Who wants to come over and help?

Well, I have been rescheduled again. This time it was just pushed up half an hour, but I don't know if we can make it since Jason has the car today. We're going to give it a shot though. I feel like a loser today. No second car, no insurance, blah blah blah. I've read that at 12 weeks your hormone levels during pregnancy are at their absolute highest. That's what we'll attribute my whining and complaining to, kay? I am very frustrated. Medicaid sent me a card and I was so excited, but it was just a "temporary" one that has since been cut off. Now they need all that information that I asked if I could bring on the front end...I filled out this application in October! So, here comes the part where they see exactly how I'm over the limit by like .02 cents a month or something ridiculous. I was hopeful and optimistic about being able to do all of this without medical insurance and I guess I still have a back up plan or two up my sleeve. There's still that government subsidized insurance for folks with pre-existing conditions. We can't afford it, but in a pinch I think we could squeeze it in during the last couple months of my pregnancy if something does go wrong.

At this point, I'm just second guessing my entire plan. I've had some friends encourage me and I'm trying to remain calm. It is proving very difficult though. No heartbeat, no ultrasound, and no real prenatal appointment yet due to out of town issues, rescheduling, and my midwife's apprentice apparently being incredibly over worked and under slept. I broke down and cried on my couch today while attempting to eat some chips and salsa. I had to stop every few bites to take a deep mouth breath because my cold is preventing any oxygen from entering via nostril. I am very busy with work and feel a lot of pressure and concern over a recent possible promotion that would put me back at work full time but with a significant pay increase. In general, I just want to quit everything. It is too stressful to juggle these many different roles, and I'd prefer to just pick two or three and call it a life, ya know?! Jason and I talked about this recently, about how I feel like a big ol' failure in some area of my life every day. Maybe I need to focus on what I succeeded at that day, even if it is just tiny. It likely will be! ;) So, pray with me for a heartbeat today and that I can make it to my appointment on time. Otherwise, she's leaving at 4:30 even if I'm not there yet. The apprentice hasn't slept since the night before last...I guess it's part of her stressful job! Wah wah wah I know, just a big baby I am only thinking of myself. Thanks readers for providing free therapy for me today! I'll let you know what happens next. I knew there would be at least some portions of this journey that weren't so pretty, here's one of them!

Tonight was supposed to be my second appointment with my midwife at Birthworks. I have been very excited about this appointment, hoping very much to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. We got there about 15 minutes early, which is so out of the ordinary for us. Found out that my midwife was called out of town for an emergency family situation. Since I hadn't received a phone call to reschedule, we all assumed that her apprentice would be coming. We waited about 30 minutes or so and then someone decided to call her for us, no answer. They texted, no reply. So, we sat and chatted and thought about where to get some dinner. Then it got to be about 6:30 and the lady waiting in the office explained that she an another midwife were headed to a home visit in Cabot at 7:00 and she would have to lock up. I felt a bit silly, but I was close to tears over not getting to try for the heartbeat again. Thankfully, the woman was very kind and mentioned that the other midwife would be there soon and we could always ask her if she could take a listen for us. A few minutes later this lady calls and explains how her husband was running late and that she is running late and so on. Despite all this, she was perfectly willing to give it a try when she got there at 6:45 or so. We tried for almost 10 minutes and nothing. No little heartbeat thundering away. I am trying not to worry or be too sad. I know it is still early to hear it on the doppler and I know that I have quite a few extra layers to get through. Still, after the crazy awareness and hypervigilance over my pregnancy with Addie and watching her grow from a fetal pole and yolc sac to a bean, to a south park baby, to a miniature person, all the way to a big baby girl....this is unbearable!

I shouldn't say it is poor publicity, because the ladies that were there helped me so much and were so kind. It is also apparently extremely out of character for the apprentice gal to be late or unorganized in any way. I hope she's alright! I also hope that my midwife's family is okay, that our baby is okay, and that we can reschedule for next week and maybe try again. You can hope with me if you like. It is just such a reassuring sound for so many reasons, and a beautiful moment that I was so looking forward to sharing with Jason tonight. I got home, managed not to cry, put my sweet angel sugar babies to bed, made chocolate chip cookies, and after eating 4 of them with a big glass of milk that had little ice chips in it...and a little blogging, I'm ready for bed!

This is my energy we're talking about. I had a huge surge of energy during our trip and right after we got home. I got everything unpacked, cleaned house, cooked a big meal, we put up the Christmas tree and decorated, and I felt good. Today I am absolutely exhausted like can't keep my eyes open or my head lifted kind of tired! I think it's because I stayed up too late after going to bed between 9-10 for almost a week. I'm glad I was productive during my energy surge and it came at the exact time I needed it. However, now Christmas is in full gear and I need my energy to craft, keep up the house, chase the kids, and work of course. Maybe I'll just get to bed at a decent hour and hope tomorrow will go better. Tomorrow evening I have my next midwife appointment and we are so hopeful to hear the heartbeat! Wish and hope with us because I'm starting to get suspicious that I'm just making it up anyway! ;)

The Allen clan just returned from a trip to Chicago! It was about an 11-12 hour drive, a bit more with traffic and kiddos. My darling father-in-law rented us a nice Camry for the trip and funded quite a bit of it. He also decided that the kids needed entertainment, so he bought EACH of them a personal DVD player as an early Christmas gift. I doubt it will be factored in though when Christmas shopping! We went on a secret mission.

My baby brother graduated from Navy Boot Camp!! He's a sailor!

Yep, my sweet little brother somehow made it through boot camp. I cried listening to his stories and immediately wanted to beat some folks up for being mean to him. I also wanted to hug some folks for taking him under their wings, loving on him, encouraging him, and standing up for him. Sometimes I forget what "big sister" mode feels like because I'm usually very busy being in mom mode. I imagine it is similar, but the pride I feel in him is not really the right word. I'm not being prideful because it has nothing to do with me. Amazed, encouraged, hopeful, excited, fearful, disbelieving, surprised, shocked, okay those are all words I've felt watching him over the past few days. He looks so handsome in his uniform and so tall. When did he get that tall? I'll try and post pictures soon, but my jankity camera died not too long into the trip. The iphone picked up most of the highlights. This was a secret mission because he didn't want to tell folks in fear that he may not make it, that some cantankerous family members may not agree with his choices or even worse, try and do something to sabotage him. Yes, these are legitimate concerns in my family! Sad, but true.

Our children were blessed angel babies on the trip. The dvd players helped! Really though, they were so good. Addie usually does terribly in the car, but I think she cried for a total of 30 minutes during the entire round trip. I was really amazed and grateful. They were also so well behaved during the LONG graduation ceremony, out in public, at a fancy restaurant in downtown Chicago on Thanksgiving, at a busy continental breakfast, in the hotel room, at bedtime, the whole time! It was a serious blessing that I had prayed for, and now I feel so much more confident that we will be able to travel joyofully as a family together, even with three! So, hip hip hooray for my brother the Sailor, and hats off to my beautiful sweet babies who absolutely adore their Uncle Ben, and mad props to Daddy and me for being patient and kind with each other and our company despite over 24 hours in the car together in one week! Also, a huge thank you to those of you who ordered crafts, helped with my yard sale, prayed for us, encouraged me, and sent your well wishes, letters, and cards to my brother, just everything. All that saving went to our trip (not really Christmas...sorry I may have fibbed a little, but this was our Christmas present to each other). Off I go to save Freddie, he's having a meltdown in his room over something...oh he brought it to me. He's bawling because he can't close his tub of cars. NAP TIME!!

Mom let Daddy get the kids ready while I packed lunches this morning. It is one of those few days a month where we both have to go in to work and the kiddos have to go to daycare.

Nothing seemed too out of the ordinary, despite me being aghast at their outfits/hair, etc. Addie is wearing a tan short sleeved shirt with hot pink flowers on it (a kind of older, more ratty hand me down type of thing), and a pair of blue jeans with red cherries embroidered on them with pink and white shoes. Her hair is not brushed and her face has crusty milk and boogers on it. I tried to wipe her clean, but my heels were not permitting the fight with her. Freddie is in desparate need of a haircut, so we don't bother trying to comb anymore, especially not freshly slept in hair. It's wild, curly, unruly, and full of cowlicks in every direction. Daddy put him in his only clean pair of jeans, black western style Wranglers. The only long sleeved shirt that wasn't navy blue (and therefore offensive to Jason's matching abilities with black jeans) was a 5T long sleeved thermal mulberry colored shirt with sewn in shoulder panels. It looks like a football jersey, almost. The shirt hangs off of him in every which way and goes almost to his knees. I don't think anybody got their teeth brushed this morning either...well child anyway.

I dropped them off, kissed their sweet faces, and left with my head down thinking about how cute they really are if given the time necessary to dress them appropriately. We stopped on the way out to sign them in and there it was. The 11x17 glossy flyer with the dates in bold white lettering. A sweet little girl in a bow and her best Christmas dress smiled up at us from the page. Suddenly, I gasped in horror. Jason was surely afraid of the worst. "It's PICTURE DAY!!!??? How could I forget?!!!!"

I guess I know that our parenting highlights are actually behind us. I remember picture day at their old daycare. We fussed over their hair, even used hairspray to keep it in place. We put them in perfect little outfits to match the season of their picture. In short, it was a production. I guess today was its own sort of production, but not the same type of grand finale!! Maybe I can snap a picture of them when I pick them up, just for a laugh!

Whew, that's over for now! We got to court and at the last minute the defendant decided to plead guilty. He pleaded guilty (um, yes Jason and I googled the past tense of plead!). There will be a sentencing hearing on January 5th. During that hearing, the judge, not a jury will decide his sentence. I have to share a victim statement with the court. The prosecution will be attempting a maximum sentence with prison time while the defense will be attempting to get the lightest sentence and maybe just time in county rather than prison. I think it will also be an emotional day, especially as I will be reading a prepared "victim statement" discussing how this event has impacted Freddie, our family, etc. As if any of that could be summed up into some kind of written statement. I'll give it a shot though. So, thank you for your prayers, and I'll be sure and ask again come January! The prosecution felt this was a very good thing, because they feared going to trial that he may only get a 2nd degree battery charge, but this ensures 1st degree domestic battery. I told them how strange it is to have something like this summed up by domestic battery. The words don't fit the crime at all.

So, to end my evening I went to the store with my kids who were tired and cranky from daycare all day. I had to fill a few WIC checks, I ain't scared to admit that we receive WIC benefits. However, my kids acted up so badly that I got those pity looks from everyone. Addie was the worst. It was like a different child! She pulled my hair in the parking lot and laughed about it. She screamed "potty, poop in it, potty!!!" She tried to escape the cart, jumped up and down, got out of the cart, ran down the front aisle, and garnered much attention from other shoppers. The cashier was very kind but of course there was a problem with my WIC check, I forgot a quart of milk and then they were arguing about some brand of whole wheat tortillas. It never fails. So, as I was dragging Addie and attempting to keep Freddie in his seat I felt a hand on my arm. The woman behind me in line grabbed by arm and leaned in very close to whisper. "If you need help with food, Zion Lutheran Church has a food pantry and I can give you the number. They are just wonderful and you could get some really good things especially for the kids." I was too dumbfounded to refuse and would have felt rude to have refused, so I stayed and let her dig for a card in her purse and write the number on it as the cashier commented on how Addie's terrible two's must have started early and how I had my hands full. I so badly wanted to say, "Oh, just wait about 7 1/2 more months!" Wouldn't they have died? :) I was so close to tears by the time I left that store, but a talk with my mom had me laughing about it pretty soon. Needless to say, I needed some comfort food when I got home. I made baked pork chops and homemade fried squash that was DELICIOUS!

It is finally happening. We are going to trial tomorrow for the prosecution of one Brandon B. for the abuse and battery against Freddie. I am pretty shocked that it's actually happening after all of the rescheduling and extensions. It is going to be okay no matter what happens. God has given me the peace I need to understand that our legal system is not going to make anything better. If I can just hold on to that understanding and peace, then I should be able to make it through without too much anger.

It is going to be a circus, a performance, a little song and dance, razzle dazzle for the benefit of the judge and jury. I would like to believe that the prosecution cares that "justice" be brought for the crime, but I am painfully aware that this is a two year old case that nobody in that office can attach themselves to and maintain sanity. This is also a happy ending, with a child who is alive, well, loved, adopted into a safe home, and thriving. The defense attorney probably does not think Brandon is innocent, and would be a complete sociopath if not given the title of defense attorney where it is their ethical duty to ensure everyone a fair trial regardless of their innocence or guilt. I know this is a cynical view, but we are expecting human beings to make rational decisions after seeing horrid pictures of Freddie's little body, hearing testimony from my emotionally vacant sister, weighing possibilities, feeling societal and racial guilt, and with full knowledge that they can not KNOW what happened or who did what. I wish I had the super power ability to read people's minds and memories and broadcast it so that the truth would be revealed clearly for everyone. Even those are tainted by now though, and I'm sure people are capable of convincing even themselves of complete alternate realities because the monstrous truth is too impossible to bear.

So, tomorrow pray for us, that small community of brothers and sisters in justice and peace. The witnesses, the lawyers, the jury, the judge, the court reporter, the press, the observers, the bailifs, and the defendant that we can judge with rational minds, speak honestly, discern the truth, rise to the occasion, trust each other, and maintain dignity and respect for the very things that make us human. Love and thanks to all of you who have prayed for our family and all who will.

The most handsome little boy this side of the Mississippi.

The absolute silliest little sugar dumplin.

"Siddy (silly) Mama," says my Addie Belle.

The loves of my life, can you see Jesus in there too? He's there!

The midwife clinic I've chosen teaches a birth class based on principles taught in this book. Birthing from Within by Pam England. I immediately wondered what this book was about, especially compared to the popular Bradley Method which is "Husband-Coached Childbirth." I checked it out at my local library and I've been flying through it. Let me share for a bit on what I'm learning.

First of all, I will offer a disclaimer. There was a time in my life when I thought natural childbirth and home birth was absolutely ridiculous. I was of the impression that if drugs are available, USE THEM! I thought home birth was only for backwoods hillbillies and dirty hippies. I hate to be so blunt, but those were completely my thoughts. You remember when I posted about how I've had to eat a lot of crow because I spent so much of my youth developing opinions on things that I had no interest or investment in. Well, childbirth was one of them! My heart has changed so much, even in wanting to have kids. As a teenager, I never really wanted to get married or have kids. My MOPS group is doing a great study and one of the questions they asked was, "What was one of your 'I'll nevers' before you had kids?" All these women said things like co-sleeping, spanking, saying "because I said so," and so on. When they got to me, I said, "I was NEVER going to have kids!" We all got a great laugh out of it. The point is that God has worked in me a new heart with new desires that honestly I'm still getting used to. So, during my pregnancy with Addie I thought about what I wanted her birth to be like. I educated myself and I talked to friends. Manda G. Money

Why....grr I get mad at blogger. Anyway, Amanda was a big proponent of natural childbirth and really got me excited about that possibility. Honestly I was afraid of an epidural, episiotomy, and a c-section more than I was empowered about giving childbirth without drugs. You can read about that whole experience on my old xanga blog Part 1, Part 2, & Part 3

Hopefully those links will work. Alright, on to the book. It is totally hippiefied but I love it. The first several chapters are devoted to describing birth art and how it can reveal your assumptions, fears, and hopes for childbirth. I even tried my hand at drawing a "Journey through Childbirth" picture. I was pretty amazed at all the symbolism that came out in my drawing. Pam wrote this book with her husband, who is a psychologist. She is very merciful to all women, even those who do want to use drugs, have a hospital birth, don't want to breastfeed, whichever. She advocates natural childbirth and breastfeeding and care from a doula and/or midwife in whichever setting you give birth. Her book really promotes respect though, for a mother's journey and her power. She explores birth in other cultures and some of the stories are amazing. She also discusses our culture's assumptions about childbirth and pain, and how the woman's body is completely equipped for childbirth. There are several chapters on the husband's role during childbirth and I just love it. Her methods promote the husband as a partner, an encourager, and a father rather than a coach or a guide through childbirth. She brings up the great point that no matter how much we love our husbands, that they are not women and in many cases we are going to be less receptive to their coaching for that very reason...they have never experienced childbirth and have no frame of reference for our pain or the changes going on in our bodies. It was definitely not a negative assumption, just kind of true for me at least. She also describes the dad as needing to be cared for during labor as well, that he needs guidance, reassurance, and time to take rests and breaks as well from the exhausting event of labor. Right now I am reading the last few chapters on pain management techniques. I'm trying very hard not to be skeptical and just open my mind to these options. I love that she talks about Laborland or this place that your mind-body goes during labor that is almost disconnected from the environment you are in and totally focused/concentrated on your body and labor. She uses holding ice cubes for one minute and practicing the pain management techniques to "simulate" a one minute contraction (um, she totally admits that nothing can prepare you or actually simulate labor pain!). Jason and I tried the first one together last night and I feel pretty good about it. So far, what I've figured is that labor actually takes extreme concentration. I always thought that you may need to just "check out" and try to float out of the pain or something. According to Pam's research and experience though, women have to be completely connected with the pain in order to listen to their primitive brain and respond to the body's cues during labor. It's all very new and exciting, and slightly scary.

Okay, that's my incredibly long post for today! I'd like to encourage everyone to set out today to challenge your opinion on something. Think of an issue or idea that you have a very strong opinion on. Examine it. Does this issue concern you at this point in your life? When did you develop this opinion? Are you different, or have you had new experiences since then? What information did you use to develop the opinion? Is there new information? Does your heart feel peaceful about this or strained? What can you do to make your heart more peaceful? I think it's kind of amazing when God helps me examine these things, because sometimes I'm left even more turned around because I don't get an answer right away. It seems like my sweet Jesus really enjoys those times when I am actually open to listen rather than trapped in my own sea of opinion and self-righteousness. They are rather uncomfortable for me, but I always come out on the brighter side of things.

Yep, 7 years ago I was really hungry about this time. We had such a long day and a whirlwind of loved ones, friends and family. It was a beautiful day, our wedding day! It is so very hard to believe everything that we've done together and been through together. I know that seven years is nothing much compared to those lovely couples that are going on 25, 30, even 50! We'll get there I know, but for now I am in awe of how the love of two people can grow into so much more. We were just two young college kids getting married way too young, and somehow God has created a beautiful family full of people who love Him! I'm very grateful for my friend, my partner, my husband who is so merciful every day to love me just as I am. Happy Anniversary to us!

These are my most prominent symptoms so far. I don't think my 4 year old's shenanigans are funny and I can not imagine having the patience necessary to try potty training again. Barney is stupid and annoying but so vital to my sanity at the same time! I just really wish I was nicer and had more energy. When I get finished with work in the afternoon I just want to nap with the kids despite the full sink, dirty toilets, mess of a room that I still haven't put back together since the redo, and multitude of other things. It may not be so bad if Jason wasn't also tired after a long day of work and to his wit's end with my lack of housework. I guess he just doesn't understand that facebook and blogger don't take nearly as much energy as loading the dishwasher. Ya know? ;)

In fact, I am trying to find a way to nap right now but the kids are off schedule today and may not get an afternoon nap....which means none for me either! Let's hope together that Addie doesn't pee on the couch and my husband will come home with a more merciful heart this afternoon. Oh, I guess I could pray for speedy recovery from this stage of tiredness but really I'd rather just have the opportunities to nap!

So, I did all the things on the list I posted. I met with a second mid-wife after Deb Philips. Deb was very very nice. I need to email her and tell her so. She is so experienced and very confident in women. She was very interested in my story and was incredibly encouraging. I really liked her. There was just something missing. I don't know, it was like I just didn't feel as warm and cuddly inside as I wanted to. It doesn't make much sense, but I figured I would just meet with the lady from Birth Works and see how it would go.

So, I met with Mary Alexander at BirthWorks here in Little Rock. She was very sweet, also encouraging, confident, and experienced. Mary was also rather cautious, especially related to my previous gestational diabetes. Mary was incredibly sweet to my kids, who spent a large part of their time rummaging through her toys in the office then running through the halls and closing doors that are probably older than Jason and me put together. The office is in a really cute older home off of Markham. Mary was a good blend of nurturing and professional, coddling, and realistic. It felt right. In short, we've chosen Mary as our midwife! I have my first official appointment with her next Wednesday. Here are the coolest parts. It costs $2600 total for prenatal care and the home birth. There are extra costs for supplies, $70-80 for a list of items needed and then $150 for renting the birthing pool. I mean, that's about what we paid in copays and deductibles when we had full insurance with Addie anyway! It also includes an 8 week long natural childbirth class given by Birth Works and in a group of other couples/women who are having home births. What an awesome resource, huh? I'll talk more about what I've learned regarding midwives here in Arkansas. Just wanted to give you a quick update!

Symptoms: Tired, nauseous without puke (I just be sure and eat as soon as I feel it coming on and I'm okay), and really that is it. Oh, I have had some rather irritable bowels, but it could just be anxiety!

I know it isn't polite to just assume that your children are adorable, but sometimes it is just so plain to see! I FINALLY have my camera working. Thank you to anyone who threw a shout out up there for me. I have taken lots of pictures in the few minutes the camera works, and I was able to get them all uploaded last night. I found my extra battery and it seems to be holding a charge a lot better. So, here is a little peek. I put the rest on my facebook. These were taken at my friend Rebekah's little girl's birthday party in June. It was so much fun and this sweet series of pictures are making me think that they will be some of my very favorites when Addie Belle is grown. Here it is....

Yellow Day

Thought I'd share another tip today. You know how toddlers are incredibly messy and they have kinda awful dexterity especially when it comes to using spoons? ;) Well, Addie is no exception. There are many things she loves to eat but when it comes to breakfast she really likes yogurt and cereal of all sorts. Yogurt is often very hard for her to keep on the spoon and cereal is a pain because she spills the bowl and it falls everywhere for the dog to eat.



Solution: Mix the yogurt and the cereal! She gets extra calcium and nutritional value from the yogurt and it becomes so much easier for her to get onto the spoon. The cereal doesn't fall on the floor and the yogurt doesn't drip off the spoon. It's perfect! She loves it and eats every bite. Her face and hands are still messy, but the alternatives are much worse.







Also, I buy very few brand name food items but I do purchase Dan-o-nino yogurt by Dannon. It comes in mom and kid friendly small servings, is sweetened with real sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup, is full fat for growing toddlers and my 4 year old's visible rib cage hip bones ;), has lots of yummy flavors, and it is super thick so it is perfect for the kiddos to eat without the drippy issue. It usually costs around $2 for the six pack but I often find coupons for .50 to 1.00 off and you can usually find them included in sales at Kroger. These are awesome for lunch bags too!

Eating is expensive. It just is whether you are grocery shopping, stopping for fast food, or out on the town. Food has become a luxury item, an entertainment item, a service industry rather than a basic human necessity. Since people enjoy it so much and use meals as a way to fellowship with others and for a break from the kitchen, our beautiful capitalist country has taken the opportunity to jack up the prices.

I am challenged with the issue of trying to feed the family very cheaply (under $70 a week for everything including diapers, household items, dog & cat food, etc.) and incorporate low carb meals for myself and Jason. He is doing sooo well losing weight. He's lost probably over 30lbs now and I don't want my pregnancy and change in eating habits to sabotage his progress. I am also eating lower carb and following the same diet I did during the last months of my pregnancy when I tested positive for gestational diabetes. This also requires low carb, high protein, high fiber, and low fat. AAAhh! So, I'm going to try and share some recipes and ideas to help folks who may be in a similar predicament.

Tonight's Meal- Red Beans & Rice (Rice Optional)

Ingredients
1lb red beans (or light kidney beans...different stores call them varying things)
1/2 lb smoked turkey sausage cut into 1/4" slices (I only have to use half the package so I can get two meals out of a $2 package of meat!)
1 tsp onion powder
3 tsp Tony Cachere's Cajun Seasoning
1/2 tsp black pepper
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp ground thyme
1 bay leaf
1/2 tsp ground red pepper
1 cup brown rice
Louisiana Sauce as needed

Wash your beans and check for rocks. I know this seems silly, but I find at least one tiny rock half the time. It would not be fun to bite into that and the kiddos could totally choke or break a tooth, so I'm super paranoid about it now.

Place beans in a crockpot and top with all seasonings
Put in 10 pieces or so of your smoked turkey sausage
Top with 5 cups of water and stir well

Cook on low for 6-7 hours then add the rest of the sausage about an hour before serving. (This is to keep your sausage from getting cooked down and having very little flavor)
Add salt and Louisiana Hot Sauce to taste. * I take out a few servings for the kids then kick the pot up with some more red pepper and a few shots of Louisiana! If you LOVE Popeye's style Red Beans and Rice I have another tip. Take a potato masher and mush up your beans to your desire consistency. This thickens your beans and creates a smoother creamy texture much like my beloved Popeye's!

Cook rice according to directions.

Nutritional Information

1 cup of Red Beans
Net Carbs (Carbs minus Fiber *note* you can safely subtract Fiber as long as there are over 3 grams in a serving) - 34 grams
Fiber - 10 grams
Calories - 190
Fat - 5.5 grams
Protein- 16 grams

1/4 cup of brown rice
Carbs - 11 grams
Fiber - 1 gram
Calories - 54
Fat - 0 grams
Protein - 1 gram

I separated these because Jason won't eat the rice and I can have 1/4 cup and stay under my 45 carb allotment for dinner. The kids can have more rice if they want. This is a meal that can be altered for everyone's dietary needs.

Best Part - Total cost (not including spices) Estimated $2.69
Beans - 1.19
Turkey Sausage (only used half) - 2.00/2 = 1.00
Rice (only used 1/4 of the box)- 2.00/4 = .50

Hope you enjoy! It's tasty, a great fall meal, cheap, and meets everyone's nutritional needs, AND it's a crockpot meal so it takes no time to prep!

Having children may seem like old hat to some, especially those on their third child. Not us! We are pregnant! Second pregnancy, third child. We are pregnant and excited, anxious, grateful, surprised, a bit terrified, amazed at God's grace and provision, and happy. These emotions all depend on the time of day or way of the wind! So, my blog may be taken over for awhile with this new adventure of ours. Jason and I will look over at the kids sometimes and just turn back to one another and both of us are thinking, "Three, what ever will we do with three?! We'll be outnumbered!" :)

This adventure will show you how a middle class family manages to survive a second pregnancy, third child with no health insurance and little to no extra income. It will be a struggle but a beautiful story of God's faithfulness. It will be beautiful and I'm very excited to share it with you all.

Step 1) Praise the Lord!
Step 2) Immediately began taking my prenatal vitamins and tracking my calories and nutritional info on www.babyfit.com which is a free website by the same folks that brought us Sparkpeople! It is great.
Step 3) Started a yoga mama video to complete 3 times a week for flexibility, strength, and some peace!
Step 4 ) Applied for Medicaid after doing a pregnancy verification test at the Health Department
Step 5) Called my previous OB's office, hospital, and inquired about self-pay and sliding scale rates. Between the doctor's prenatal care and labor/delivery in the hospital this is running at about $10000.
Step 6) Looked into government options such as a new insurance programs specifically for people with pre-existing conditions. This is about $300 a month and has a similar deductible to most private insurance plans.
Step 7) Called a friend for advice on local midwives and set up consultation. This option allows for a homebirth with prenatal care through a midwife. Blood work, initial pap, and even necessary ultrasounds can completed through the Health Department for $5 per visit. The midwife charges between $2500-$3000 TOTAL. I met with Deb Phillips and she is awesome! I have an appointment next week with Mary Alexander from Birthworks.
Step 8) Tell friends and family, share the joy, and pray with a faithful heart that my God who loves me will provide for us and this miracle of life growing inside.
Step 9) BLOG! ;)

It will continue! The hat did not fit btw, sad. I accomplished some of my goals but not all last week. The yard sale was kind of a bust. More crafts have been possibly sold and I've got lots of plans for Christmas presents. I don't think I have as much time as I have plans though. ;) I need to get super organized but that likely won't happen so I think maybe I just need to get less ambitious! Too sleepy to post much more but I wanted to let folks know that I haven't disappeared. If you think of it, say a little prayer for a silly thing. I really need a new camera. My battery died again and won't hold a charge. I have taken a few pictures in the 10 seconds I get the camera to work and then it dies again. I just really don't want to have months missing out of our family pictures for the SECOND time because of this camera problem. I know it is a bit trivial, but it's just a small thing that has upset me so much over the past several months as my babies are growing and doing such fun things. Next up, Halloween, and we so need pictures! Do you know I haven't even gotten one picture of Freddie in his soccer uniform and he only has two more games? Pure crazy I say!

So, I am a few things down from yesterday. Here's what I still need to do:

1) Complete a letter and math lesson with Freddie
2) Read 2 chapters from my women's group book
3) Cut fabric for Christmas banner and trace scallops

Here's what I finished last night...THE HAT!!! It's precious and I so hope it fits the birthday boy!

Today's List
1) Complete Work work
2) Clean entire house including sweeping, mopping, dusting, taking out garbage, vacuuming, scrubbing the guest bathroom, and clearing hallway of all yard sale clutter
3) Possibly meet with my master's project committee (trying to organize three people to an afternoon meeting at the LAST minute!)
4) Cut freezer paper and print Merry Christmas font, cut out stencils, and iron to scallops, paint letters and lay out to dry
5) Read 2 more chapters from my women's group book

I can do this, but I can't keep having leftovers from the previous day. Wish me luck. I'm almost done with Work work, so that's one thing down!

Nope, I'm completely overloaded with things to do this week and what am I doing...blogging!! I have created a six page schedule/list with each day of the week and a rough schedule and goals for the day. Today's is already completely behind as I've completed nothing on the list. I seriously hope that tomorrow's plans go better and that in the next hour I can accomplish something.

Immediate Goal #1- Do the dishes, wipe down counters, sweep kitchen, clear clutter and wipe down the dining room table. DONE!!

Immediate Goal #2 - Make grocery list...didn't happen until I got to the store!

Immediate Goal #4 - Cut fabric squares for my Christmas banner and trace the scallop I've drawn -Fail


MUST DOs: DONED
Go grocery shopping with Addie while Jason takes Freddie to soccer practice.
Come home and cook dinner and clean up afterwards -Jason did it, cooked and cleaned and put away groceries. He's my hero!!


Evening Goal #1- Complete one letter lesson and one math lesson with Freddie. -Fail!

Evening Goal #2 DONE- Complete Interview Questions and Survey Questions for my master's project for approval by the Institutional Review Board which meets on THURSDAY morning! AAAAHH!


Evening Goal #3- Read 2 chapters of my women's group book before bed...it's 11:19pm so we'll see about that!

Evening Wish- Complete the hat I'm knitting for Andrea's little boy. His first birthday is in two weeks and I can't believe it!


I'll come back later and see what's been accomplished! Oh, and pat on the back to me that I did do something productive today (besides Work of course...I'll use a capital "W" to indicate the kind of work that I get paid money for!). I cleaned out a basket that's been sitting in the garage for months. This basket is now home to all of my yarn, knitting needles, accessories, in progress projects, and it looks like some sweet, organized woman with a knack of tidiness and a taste for chamomile lives here....as a very uncomfortable guest!

Yep, the trial has been rescheduled again. How silly is that? November 16th is the new date, just in time for Thanksgiving!

Goings on round here: Kids are big, Freddie is a nutty soccer player who appears to come down with a severe case of ADHD on the soccer field! Adeline is obsessed with her new baby doll that Daddy bought her. Obsessed to the point of fit throwing and worrying herself to death over its well being. Can you say, "overdeveloped toddler maternal instincts!"

So far, I've had no hits on my banners. I've sold a couple of my bows, well four to be exact. I used that money to pay a portion of my MOPS dues. I joined a women's group at a local church where I took the kids to a summer play group and I really like it. We're reading a book called Momology and I think it's just good food for my mom soul. Then I have a Bible/Book Study every other Wednesday night with ladies from our church that is a Manda soul feeder and just a great opportunity to be involved and get to know my church sisters better. I also joined the Women's Club of Otter Creek which meets once a month and hosts several community events. It's definitely not my normal cup of tea, but I'm trying to branch out and just be me even in a forum that doesn't always fit my style. I'm not a type A person, and despite my cheery demeanor (usually...), I'm also not an extrovert. Those personality tests always depend on my mood and I'm usually right in between one or the other. I just don't fit, so my decision is that since I don't fit anywhere, I can fit everywhere!! ;) I think its important for women to be exposed to lots of different types of personalities. I've know the Type A'ers my whole life and even chose a major in college filled with that type and often disappeared behind them until it came test or paper time. Then...I'm totally type A, like the type that better make an A! People who think they have it all under control need a reality check just as much as people who feel completely overwhelmed all the time. Nobody is perfect and talents are just as valuable whether they come for overbearing Olivia or meek Melissa!

What do you think? Isn't there room for a more reserved, shy, worker bee, with a surprise in every group? I've met a lot of women in the past year that surprise me constantly. I met someone who seems kind of, what's the word...mousey? Yes, that's it. Then, she opens her mouth and speaks brilliance and exudes confidence. I met one of those beautiful gals, super fashionable, high heels, perfect hair and nails, and then she's the most demure, sweet, and mild mannered person that often shrinks into the background to let someone else shine. I wonder how people categorize me, do you wonder that? We're reading The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg in our book study and I really love it so far. I would totally suggest it to anyone, especially those who feel like I do. I often feel that I don't fit and I struggle to be different/better than I am, but Ortberg argues that God created our personalities and gifts to be used in a perfect way. God wants us to be the "best version of ourselves" not of someone else! God needs shy people and followers as much as he loved leaders. God will not scorn us for failing to be meek if we are natural leaders. I just love the truth of it and the edification of the body of Christ instead of this often constant message that we aren't good enough, we should do more, tithe more, read more, give more, volunteer more, witness more, on and on. Be you, and be the absolute best You that God intended and created You for. Lovely, I say, lovely!

I'm glad that Freddie is finally learning and understanding his letters and sounds. I'm glad that he is comprehending that numbers equal amounts of things and that he is on the verge of being able to count to 10 without forgetting 7! This is amazing progress because six months ago he only knew 4 or 5 letters and maybe one sound that was just memory rather than actually understanding how letters and sounds work. Oh that was a hard one. He could not consistently count to 5 and was so easily frustrated. Now he can happily sit down for lesson time and is proud of himself when he gets it right. Freddie is even able to recognize some words now, thank you Dr. Seuss!

Our biggest struggle is definitely going to be handwriting. We are working from a book by Kumon that seems pretty similar to the Handwriting Without Tears program. It starts with horizontal and vertical lines, then diagonal, then curves and circles. Instead of working on the letters in order, it categorizes them by the types of lines and the difficulty. The problem here though is that Freddie is left handed and I'm not. Thankfully, my mother-in-law is left handed and can give me some tricks on helping him.

The book itself though is written for a right handed person, and I am not of the mindset that left handed folks should learn to write just like everyone else. I mean, if its true that his preferred writing hand is actually linked to the areas of his brain that he's tapped into, why would I want to fight it? So, when the book says to draw an "A" by starting at #1 (located at the top point) and go to the stop sign (located at the end of the first leg) by moving your hand from the top of the A to the bottom...Freddie would naturally want to move his hand from the bottom of the second leg, move to the top, then down to create the first leg, then from right to left to cross them. Unfortunately, he also wants to follow the book but he physically has such a hard time and it is far from smooth. I know it's a process, but maybe there are left handed handwriting books out there somewhere. Maybe he'll embrace his different style and stop insisting on following the numbers! I'm still glad though, glad that he is sweet, glad that he told me today while trying to draw a circle, "I think I'm having some trouble here." I'm glad that he loves Toy Story and has agreed excitedly to let me make his and Addie's Halloween costumes so they can be Woody and Jessie, and glad that he is wearing a pirate hat right now. I'm glad that Addie insists every color is pink and does everything her big brother teaches her. I'm just glad, pleased, grateful, and oh just wait for it....content! Thank you, Jesus, and help me continue in contentment today and tomorrow!

Yup, up a pound since two weeks ago when I weighed last. That was not how it was supposed to go. However, I can not be too discouraged because we had a crazy haywire nutty cheat weekend over labor day. It was Jason's birthday and many others including 3 cakes that I baked for special folks. Let me give you a rundown of our weekend/week in food.

Saturday Night: Benihana Date Night Sushi and Double order of Hibachi Fried Rice ($30 gift certificate for the birthday boy!)

Sunday Night: Amanda's Infamous Spaghetti with Italian Sausage and Garlic Bread

Monday
Breakfast at IHOP-Chicken Fried Steak & 1 Pancake
Lunch: Cookout at Nana's, homemade mac n' cheese, hamburgers, new potatoes with butter, honeybun cake
Dinner: Marketplace, sweet potato fries drenched in brown sugar and butter, creamed spinach, fried shrimp, crab cake, chocolate mess --DEATHH!!!
Party: Homemade Dark Chocolate Hershey's Cake with Butter Roux Icing (you may remember this as the BittyBetty HoHo Cake)

Tuesday: Hummus with whole grain pita chips...and seriously I think that's all I ate all day!

Wednesday: Strict Diet

Thursday: Homemade Dark Chocolate Hershey's Cake with ButterCream Icing (Rachel's Birthday) This one turned out soooo delicious!

Friday: Sushi dinner with friends of Rachel- bday dinner

Saturday:
Lunch: German chocolate cake with sweetened condensed milk poured in while hot topped with coconut pecan icing (Sister's Bday Cake!)

Dinner- Kristina's Bday dinner delicioso- Ciao Baci deliciousness with a Pomegranate Martini (we were too toasted after the first one to order more!), Baci Schnitzel, and handmade gnocchi in a cream sauce, all of this preceded by baked bries in puff pastries stuffed with walnuts, apples, figs, and caramelized onions

Then I managed to stay clean from last Sunday to now...but I say that if I only gained one pound from all that, it's kind of a miracle!! ;) I am not eating another ounce of sugar or processed, bleached flour product until Halloween! I was honestly sick after Jason's birthday extravaganza and thought about how those things were just a normal part of life before I made my declaration of independence from fatness. Gross, but I would eat Ciao Baci all the time if I had the money and be fat and happy!

Oooh that sounds ominous, huh? :) I felt compelled to blog about a recent discussion that God and I had while I was in the shower. It is sometimes the only quiet part of my week (I say this because I only get to shower about 3-4 times a week!). So, I really think God uses it to find me calm and peaceful so that He can be heard.

We are set to go to trial AGAIN on the 30th of this month. I don't know if it will happen or what will be the final outcome. If you remember my last post about this, I was angry and hurt because I felt like nobody was going to pay or have any consequence for what happened to sweet Freddie. This idea came to my head again as I was scrubbing out the oil with some delicious Aveda Shampure. Then it was like God just obliterated me and my petty thoughts. He said to me, "This has already been paid for, in full. Jesus already paid and suffered the consequences for what happened to Freddie." WHAT??!!! Say, huh? Jesus became sin on the cross and he paid for my sins and the sins of the world so that we could be clean and holy and enter the kingdom of heaven. I know this, but surely not this? Surely He missed one?

NO!! Jesus became EVERY single sin that was ever or will ever be committed against anyone. It is still painful for me to think of, but I need no retribution. There will be no earthly justice good enough to please God. My Father has forgiven me and His grace can cover even this with the blood of Jesus. My prayers should be focused that the person who almost killed Freddie would repent, acknowledge the sin, accept Christ, and enter into the Kingdom of Heaven, that Christ's payment and death for our sin would not be in vain.

I will always be mindful of this, especially as I enter the courtroom. What beautiful peace God was able to bring me, and devastation again realizing the weight of what Jesus carried for us. As he died on the cross, he became those actions, those mighty blows against my son, He became the impact that separated Freddie's gallbladder and the blood that seeped into his body, Jesus became the bruises, the belt, the extension cords, the hand and arm holding the weapons of pain against Freddie's tiny two year old body. He became the anger, ignorance, and rage that it took to carry these things out. Jesus became those things while enduring His own agony and He did not break, because my Jesus knew His sacrifice would cover even this and we would know our God. I would be Freddie's mom and we would protect him. I can not ask for anymore retribution than that, there is no other penance or payment that would so entirely compensate. Thank you, Lord.

$12 for knitted cap

$8 for Knitted Bow Headbands, $5 for babies and kids.

Ask me about colors and yarn options!

EMAIL TO ORDER: amandaarallen@gmail.com

This blog needs some of that levity business. It's a horrible movie though, don't put it in your Netflix queue. Right now is a beautiful moment in my week because both of my children are happily playing in Addie's room. They are together, but not fighting. They are not crying or complaining, in fact, they are both sitting in a pile of books "reading." Neither of them has needed me for at least 10 minutes despite the fact that I walked by the doorway to check on their silent selves. Every now and then Addie will come into the hall and blow me a kiss.

So far, this has not happened at all this week or in a few. When Jason is home, they often entertain themselves, especially when it is just him. Not with me though, I'm wayyy too popular among the tots. It has been a little rough lately with the sibling rivalry and a very clingy 20 month old. I am very much enjoying this few minutes and I'm looking forward to some quality time with them today. I've promised myself after this rough week that I will not say anything negative about them or to them today (besides "No" anyway!). As much as I joke about them being "rotten," "wild," "crazy," "hooligans," "driving me crazayyy," la la la etc. I really don't want them to ever think that about themselves. They are getting older, especially my Fredster and he can hear and understand these words. So, here's to creating a positive self-image for my children and a happy, content, mom full of praise for her babies. Thank you, Lord, for my children. Help me be a better steward of my time, my wisdom, and my opportunities to shape their lives and identities towards you!

Well, Addie has brought me a baby doll wrapped up in a blanket....and I see a brown streak of leaky poo on her pants, so it's time to go!

Please pray with me for this sweet baby girl. She was born on September 4th, to my dad and his new 30 year old wife (oh and yes...this 30 year old wife is Russian, but I am pretty sure he didn't buy her off the internet or anything, so no fears there). I am honestly heart broken for this precious miracle of life. I do not even know what to pray for. Mostly, I hope that my dad has changed somehow, that through the loss of his relationship with his daughter and grandson (me and Freddie) that he has realized that his behavior, abuse, and alcoholism is not going to cut it. I hope that he is loving to this child and his new wife. It doesn't seem so, based on what I've heard from his contact with my sister. I can still hope though.

I want to pray that this woman realizes the monster that my dad really is and leaves him as soon as possible and seeks refuge with her own family. I want to pray that this little girl never even knows my dad so that he can not emotionally or physically hurt her the way he has EVERYONE in my family. I just can not believe in all the world that my loving God would allow this man to reproduce, again. I know He did though, and there must be a reason. Please pray with me that God protect this baby and her mother. She is an innocent, beautiful gift, and she does not deserve the life my siblings and I had. I wish so badly that I could hold her and protect her. She is not one ounce of my blood (this being my "ex" step-dad and all), but that instinct to shield her and protect her as I do my own brother and sister is still there. I am in tears right now thinking of how I will never know her and she may never have the support of her brother and sisters to help her through the pain she will so likely endure from that man. Part of me has a terrible guilt, that if I had only done enough, pressed charges against him, ruined his life, put him in jail, anything, that he may not have been able to hurt anyone again. I never seem to be strong enough, always doling out mercy and subscribing to this unabashed hope that he'd just be my dad again somehow. How broken I am, my Father, still not content with my Heavenly dad, wishing and crying over the loss of my earthly one. Please just pray, whatever God speaks to your heart, whatever you feel is right. I know there is power in prayer, no matter hopeless I feel. Pray for sweet Natasha.

Okay, so only one response on my banners. I know folks have had time to look. So, feedback, too expensive, not interested, need better pictures, could make it yourself? Tell me! Let friends know too if you want. See, this is why I haven't bothered in the past, the disappointment isn't really any fun. It's more fun to just make something for someone and give it to them as a gift. SO, idea, I'll make it for you to give to someone else as a gift! Problem solved!

Anyway, tomorrow is Jason's 29th birthday! He lucks out and gets a birthday on Labor Day this year. I tried a new cake recipe. Hershey's Deep Dark Chocolate Cake. It's supposed to be a breeze to make. Not so much for the baking challenged. It calls for 1/2 cup boiling water & 1/2 cup brewed coffee (well, folks suggest using half water/half coffee anyway). Here's what I did wrong, I added the boiling ingredients before I mixed the eggs and milk in with the dry stuff for two minutes instead of after. Then, I wasn't able to immediately transfer the mix to the baking pans because I had to give some grimey children a nice bubble bath before bed. So, when I finally got around to baking them, I guess the magic had worn off. The cakes taste alright, but ended up being more like bland brownies. I made a new type of frosting called Butter Roux which has a light fluffy texture, but it isn't as good as buttercream by any means. Over all, I'm sad with the turnout. I feel like I made a big HoHo Cake. Hopefully, Jason will once again eat my creation with a big smile and pretend it's delicious no matter what! If I make Butter Roux again I'm using vanilla instead of almond extract, it keeps reminding me of those HUGE salon/economy size things of Almond Shampoo that my mom used to have when she worked as a hairdresser. Who wants to eat shampoo? Here's to hoping that the rest of his birthday todos will turn out better! You know, sometimes it makes me sad that I probably won't get a home baked cake for my birthday again any time soon (I refuse to bake my own birthday cake, it's not right), but poor Jason might prefer a delicious creation from Mickey's Bakery over this BittyBetty (instead of LittleDebbie) snack cake I made!

I've decided to see if friends and family would be interested in buying some of my crafts. It always seems so crazy to me that anyone would want to buy things I sewed in my bedroom. Then tons of folks suggest it and I have finally decided to just go for it. I'd like to start putting some extra money back for the Holidays. Not necessarily for gifts, but for the extra groceries, goodies, decorating, baking, and outings like the Pumpkin Patch, The Christmas Tree Farm, hayrides, homemade fudge, cookies, stockings, oh the wonderful things that are headed our way soooo soon!

There are lots of things that I've made, but my banners have been the most popular. Here are a few that I've made so far.

Here's Addie's. It's kind of shabby chic, lots of girly colors but with flowers, gingham, and vine prints. There are several font options too.

This one I made for a friend's daughter and it is my favorite so far! I used more of a typewriter font and created a really clean stencil. This is more of a girly mod with lots of pink and brown. The middle space has a handpainted butterfly with the little girl's initial painted onto a wing.

This is my sweet Freddie's banner. It is adorable, lots of primary colors, some paw prints, and don't forget those Hogs!

So, for the details. I can do birthday banners and even personalized ones with names, just name banners for a child's room or even a dorm room! I'm also going to make some holiday banners. If you'd like a cooky one for Halloween or a Merry Christmas banner, I can do it. I may even try a "Welcome" banner in the front hallway! The banners are made from cotton fabric, each scallop is backed with a solid coordinating color, and the hangers are created using cotton binding tape. The loops are about 4 inches long making it easy to hang anywhere! The best part about these banners is that they will last and can be passed down to use every year. It's a very special, personal gift to give or decoration for your own home. I have loved making them. I got the idea from a book that I love but have created my own process and special touches to make them unique.

Banner: $30
Add a Name: $5

Just email, facebook, or comment here if you want one.
We can discuss the colors/theme/event, etc. I think these can fit just about anyone's needs! Thanks everyone, send your friends a link to the blog and I'll try and post more pictures as I get another one finished.

I know "fat" is such a crude word, sorry!

Since I weighed at work the first time for our own Biggest Loser competition (May), I have lost 15lbs! I am fairly certain that the majority of that has been over the past 5 weeks. The best part about this is that it is keeping me motivated to keep away from the bad stuff. As Fall approaches, it's going to get more difficult with the holidays and goodies and the urge to bake! Any tips? I am thinking of scheduling some "cheat" days ahead of time so that I can bake with the kids and not feel like I'm off plan. If it's scheduled, then it's part of the plan, right? ;)

You know, someday I'm going to recharge my camera battery and take pictures. I have not taken any pictures since the 4th of July. What kind of crazy is that? I certainly haven't posted any in ages. These babies are getting big!

P.S. Thank you for your input and please continue to give it on my WFHM (Work from home mom) post. Each moment in the day creates a case for one side or the other!

I obviously rely on the opinions of others way too heavily. Hence, this question.

Which is better?

A) Kids at home with a loving but working mom that honestly does not have more than two hours or so of "quality time" to spend with them each day and at least 3 days out of the 6 day work week is quite stressed.

B) Kids in a structured daycare with constant attention and play with other kids from 630-530 every day with an hour or so of quality time with parents in the evening and then all day on weekends.

The kids are starting to notice my increased work load when I get busy and they get antsy. They are getting terrible at entertaining themselves and there is a lot more sibling rivalry these days. I hear screaming from Addie and whining from Freddie constantly. I mean, there are wonderful times of course. Just watching them run up and down the hallway and hearing their sweet barefeet splat across the hardwood floor is enough to make me choose to be at home no matter what. I just worry sometimes that I'm somehow not fulfilling all of their needs or that I'm not giving them enough attention. Working from home is a wonderful blessing and an answered prayer. I guess I'm not doubting it, I just need some type of affirmation that this is actually a better thing for my kids! ;) Oh, feel free to comment if you believe otherwise, that's what the question is for. I may need some new words of wisdom to help me through this time and to broaden my perspective on the whole thing rather than just seeking people who agree with me.

It would probably also help if I knew any other work from home moms. My examples of SAHMs are truly that, and it isn't fair to compare myself with that example (or any, but it's my womanly nature to do so). I'm going to a potluck for the Otter Creek Women's Club, Group, I don't know. It's next month and I am hoping to meet some more ladies in the area. I also have some ideas, shocking I know! I'm trying to organize a kid friendly Trick-or-Treat this year by having people sign up to agree to no scary costumes/decorations/music, frightening signs, la la la and give them
specific colored balloons to put on their mailboxes to indicate to families with young children that this is a house that won't traumatize their kids! We'll see what folks think.

Free Rightguard Total Defense Deodorant: $3/2 printable coupon on coupons.com and $2/2 ecoupon on Kroger.com Both come off the purchase (scan that Kroger card), and they are on sale for 2.49 each this week...you get $.02 back for buying them, woooohooo! This is the only kind of deodorant that Jason will use. It smells fantastic too, which is great because he's totally anti-cologne. Oh my sweet husband is so far from Metrosexual that it isn't even funny! ;)

That's how many folks are going to be at my hizzy tonight for dinner. I hope nobody minds being crowded, standing to eat, and changing diapers!

Oh, and I have prematurely given up on this round of potty training. She just does not want to sit on the potty and I feel like it's traumatic every time we go and I try to have her sit longer than .02 seconds. I'm perfectly okay with this, just slightly worried that it will make it harder next time we try since she knows I'm a weenie now! I also think I need to wait and make it a family adventure because my darling husband seems to have NO interest whatsoever in assisting with this potty training situation. I believe it is his secret desire to prevent her from growing up. ;) I don't blame him really. I have some 18 month Fall onesies that are so cute, and she couldn't have worn them and tried to use the potty! Silver lining! We'll see how she does in another couple of months.

Then on Saturday, we're heading to Memphis for a wedding shower for good friends, well they are family really. I suppose we need to sign our name to the gift my mother-in-law is getting for the couple. ;)

So, remember a couple of months ago when I talked about Addie spontaneously telling me she had to poo and then going on the potty? Yep, we tried a potty training intro then and it really didn't take so I happily put her diaper back on and left her be for awhile. On Sunday night we started again after a lot of development in that area. She is able to put her legs in her shorts/undies and pull at least the front up a little. She can identify pee and poo and that she needs to go. She can hold herself and say "pee pee" & "poooop." So, I got her a potty chair and off we went. Honestly, she is doing great, but I am just really tired. I think she can feel my stress. I am not stressed about cleaning up goop from the floor or clothes, it's more just the lack of time that I have. Working from home doesn't give me hours on end to sit in the bathroom with her while she gets up and down up and down and begs for a sticker or a stamp well before she's done anything to earn it! I also have sweet Freddie lingering outside the bathroom wishing we would come out, missing both me and his sister. I tried letting him in on the potty training fun, but she gets way too distracted and just gets straight up to play.

The biggest problem I see right now is time, so hopefully she'll get more comfortable and it will be less difficult to get her to sit down for more than 5 seconds at a time. She tells me about 30 times a day that she needs to go, and only went pee on the potty 1 1/2ish times today. So, I've spent a LOT of time in there! Any suggestions on the #2 issue? I read once that children often feel like poo is an "extension" of themselves, so the idea of flushing it away down the toilet is actually frightening and disturbing to them. I don't know how that works in their heads, but Addie had a complete freak out last night when she needed to poo, crying, stomping, holding herself, but refused to actually sit on her potty chair or the training seat on the big potty. She just screamed, "NOOOOO," and cried. The only way she would calm down for a second is when I gave in with a sip of Diet Coke in the BIG Sonic cup. She held it like some kind of fiend and finished up her hiccuping sobs and then still only peed. She pooed in the floor today but she knew it was coming and just did not want to sit on the potty. Do we have a consensus here...I think she's ready but I'm perfectly willing to stall some more. Changing diapers is way easier at this point and anybody who told me differently was a liar liar pants on fire! ;)

I'm going to fight off the urge to crawl back into bed. Oh me, I'm just tired of "struggling" with everything from weight to money. I guess nobody has it easy, but it certainly feels that way doesn't it? So, you're thin and have lots of money...per my facebook question, what do you worry about? Maybe then you have a cruddy husband or health problems or mental instability! ;) Maybe life seems just perfect but you are an evil selfish person with no real friends. I don't know. Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing these problems on anyone. It is just a complete mystery to me.

I just have to start going through my list of blessings so that I don't dwell on the poor me's. We are going to make it, and Jason told me today that he doesn't care if we have money because we are together and happy. He also pointed out that the kids don't mind (....yet anyway, but oh sweet goodness may we have more ample resources when they are teenagers), and that they are happy babies. I don't know what else I could ask for! (Actually...yes I do, like timely immunizations instead of a month behind because you're still paying off the last doctor's bill...but like I said, I just have to quit this!).

In the mean time, God is making miracles happen. Thanks to everyone who encourages me with my bargain shopping, couponing, crafting, and general creativity that is honestly my most important contribution to my family. My job doesn't actually cut it when it comes to making enough money to support us, but if you combine that with staying at home with the kids, making $35 grocery trips for a week's worth of food, dutifully managing a one car household, selling some homemade goodies on the side, and $.05 per diaper deals, then we've got something we can work with!

My scale is completely jacked up. It weighs me in 10-15lb increments of crazy on a daily basis. I finally weighed at work on the nurse's scale and since the last time I weighed there, which was about 5-6 weeks ago.....I weigh 7 lbs less! Now, I've been trying to figure out some rhyme or reason to my scale at home to see if I can add/subtract to get my correct weight but there's no such possibility. I'll weigh again on Thursday since I'll be at work again. Otherwise, I'll be weighing in every two weeks when I'm on campus until I have the money to buy a decent/dependable scale. Seven pounds though, that's 28 sticks of butter melted right on off! Oh and I feel so much better anyway because my scale at home told me I weighed 20lbs more when I started my July 21st way of life change rant than I weighed in at work on Friday. I know I didn't lose 20lbs, so my starting weight wasn't as staggering as I thought. I thought I'd gained a buttload since my last at work weigh in. So, new goal, lose 80 lbs by January 2012. I will do it!

Post something too spiritual and nobody wants to say anything. I see how it is! ;) Sometimes there's just that and that's that and that's it, so no need to say anything else about that. I understand.

I've been thinking a lot lately about messages I have held onto in my life. My pastor told me, when I found out my 15 year old sister was pregnant shortly after my parents' divorce, that God put me in many roles on this earth but that I need to focus on those instead of ones I put myself in. I wanted to be my sister's mom, not her sister, and a father to my family instead of a daughter. That message helped me with so much guilt and fear, and it allowed me to turn away when I couldn't handle the stress or when I knew there was nothing I could do to help besides pray. That message played in my head when I had to protect myself and my marriage from the absolute crazy that was my family. It was the right message then, but it almost prevented me from even seeing a new role that God had asked of me. Do you know how many times I told myself, "You are not Freddie's mom?" It took a long time to get over that and somehow still feel that I had some healthy boundary and ability to discern what place I fill. I know it sounds silly, but when you cling to something for so long as kind of a shield against things that would hurt you, it feels almost embarrassing to see how wrong you were and terrified of what else you may be wrong about.

Just something I was pondering over. I know that God will protect me and my husband and children while also allowing me to serve others as a sister and a daughter. I feel safe, but I've learned lessons to put my trust in God, not in my ability to do better, make better choices, set better examples, on and on. Do you have anything you cling to, a tried and true security blanket, strapped down somewhere in your faith that may be blinding and binding you from the very God that gave it to you?

And she looks just like her dad, minus the polka dotted shower cap!

No loss, no pounds gone away, no motivation to continue...I want to eat chicken fingers from West End with honey mustard. I'm not going to though, being very poor has its advantages! Maybe next week we'll see some progress. My Freddie Monster came home this afternoon and now he's singing "Zachius was a wee little man, a wee little man was he" It makes my heart happy. I didn't know that song until I was in my twenties! ;) Addie is wearing some big girl panties tonight, we'll see how that goes!

Last week I made a life altering decision. I don't want to be fat anymore. Yup, I used that ugly word, FAT! I'll post my rant here for you all to read. I wrote this in an email to dear Rachel. We are sticking to it, dang it! I have a goal...a lofty goal. I want to lose 100 pounds before January 2012 when the whole big Hunt/Allen/Sadler clan are planning a big trip to Disney World. That is a year and a half, and I WILL do it.

I WILL LOSE THIS WEIGHT!! I will look at pictures of myself in all of life's moments and smile instead of cringe, and I will stop taking tags off my facebook pictures! I will not buy anymore "one size bigger" jeans, and I will not make anymore excuses. I will not allow food to determine my happiness or my mood to determine my food. I will not buy into the lie that I like myself just as I am, because I don't. I am broken in my need to feel accepted while I have merely given up. I am a creative, loving, inspiring, hard working, giving, and amazing woman that is stuck in a body that tells others that I "can't." I can't take care of myself, I can't control myself, I can't take responsibility, and I can't muster up the energy to care. No more!

I started this in January 2010, when I asked myself why I wanted so badly to breastfeed Addie. This is the strange place that question got me, and I'm finally mustering up the courage to just post it.

Part I (of a likely many...)

I think I'm going to take this down a long winding road and bring it on back again, promise! The person I am now is so far from who I was as a child, in high school, or even starting out in college. The Lord has really softened me and turned my heart towards desires I never thought possible. Growing up witnessing the abusive mess that was my parents' marriage, that was not a relationship in the cards for me. At least, not the kind where the man is smarter than me, makes more money than me, or gets to run the show in any way. My mom taught me to not be "like her." She emphasized school, money, career, security, and getting all of this very quickly. She pushed me into kindergarten early, to graduate early, to get some kind of imaginary head start in life. I graduated high school at 16, and then she was devastated and made me wait to start college until the next year. I never wanted to get married, never even considered having children, and certainly had plans to be 30 before I would even consider it. I liked kids, thought they were sweet and all, but they were always a "burden" in my mind and nobody in my family ever rejoiced over a pregnancy. Nobody! In fact, people mourned babies. My grandmother cried when my mom got pregnant with my little brother and again when my aunt was pregnant with her first child. It was all kind of horrifying to me, and I actually learned to pity women with children. I know this is disgusting, but it was the absolute norm when I was growing up. Can you imagine it? It makes me just want to cry right now to know that all those sweet babies were born and nobody prayed to thank God for them. I bet nobody was thankful for me either.

At 17, I finally broke free. I earned myself a nice fat full ride scholarship to UCA in Conway. My parents lived in California at the time but I knew they wouldn't stay long and I had grandparents close by. I had a plan, and I'd had one for a long time. I would find a way to never have to depend on my parents again. Oh the guilt I still suffer for leaving my brother and sister there to fend for themselves. I should probably talk to a therapist about this, but Blogger will have to do! I love my mother dearly, but she was completely broken when she was with my step-dad (the only dad I know) and could not help herself or me and my siblings. My parents thought I joined a cult in college when my outlook started to change as a result of accepting Christ. You would think that college is where you go to run wild and sow all those wild oats and "find yourself." I did find myself, exactly where God would keep me safer than I ever had been in my life. I was put smack dab in the middle of four of the most amazing Christian women I have ever known. They were the first ones that ever showed me what compassion, trust, kindness, & friendship looked like on a daily basis. Before them, my dear Andrea was the only girl I ever allowed in. Girls suck, mean girls anyway, and even we had our times. God saved me, blessed me, encouraged me, tested me, wept with me, and held me up despite my desperate attempts to sink back down into the slavery of my life before Him. He had created me to be soft, warmhearted, loving, maternal, and oh my sweet goodness, SUBMISSIVE to His rule in my life. I was none of those things, and Kristina, Amanda, can I get an AMEN on how I fought? God had created me to be His daughter, Jason's wife, and a mother and He had serious work to do!